You, have knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like I’m nothing

I'm breakable.

That's what I've been thinking about for the past little while today. Earlier, I was in a really great mood. Not sure why, but I was happy and peppy and bouncy. But then I got a reply to an email I'd sent earlier and felt attacked and got defensive and it's like my whole day's gone down. From what? One three or four sentence email that I probably ms interpreted? That's really enough to ruin my whole day? It's enough to make me question myself, to make me doubt my motivations and then my value. It's enough to make me realize that I'm not so far from all the insecurities I like to pretend are gone.

What does being a new creation even mean if I'm still struggling with the same insecurities, the same questions as I was 10 years ago?

I know that I'm not invincible, that I'm not unbeatable but I'm currently feeling very breakable, very fragile. Like a tiny rock that hits a windshield and makes a giant circle of cracks until the whole windshield shatters. I know I won't shatter, but it's hard to...live sometimes. It's hard to keep from pitying myself and drowning in my failures, my sins, all the ways I don't and never will measure up but it's also hard to keep from building the wall around me taller and thinker and stronger. I don't know how to keep the balance, to be vulnerable and open and be okay with emotions but not be overly emotional and driven solely by my feelings. I usually don't know what to do about the cracks in my heart so I just ignore them, live and function as if they're not there. I don't like talking about things that have hurt. I know there's hurt and there's a crack but if I look the other way, maybe no one else will see it either. I can't get out of this cycle alone. It's probably the thing that makes me the most aware that I need Jesus. I know that I can't do it alone, that if I try I'll be weird and emotiona and super clingy and...someone  wouldn't want to be friends with. But if my identity is really rooted in being God's creation, being made in the image of God...that's where my confidence comes from. That's the solid rock I can stand on.

The person who knocks me down, who breaks me and makes me feel like I'm nothing isn't the person who sent the email. It's not any of the people that have wounded me throughout my life, intentionally or unintentionally. satan's the one who does the wounding and the breaking. My issue is with him. The real battle is against him. It's in changing my thinking and my processing of events, or, actually, in God working to change my thinking and processing.

Vaya con Dios.