I climb so high that I can't sleep at night

We’ve been learning recently about compassion and community, real community. Our current book (for Faith and Action) is Compassion, by Henri Nouwen, Donald. McNeill, and Douglas Morrison. It’s my favorite book so far this semester. This is combined with my personal reading, mainly Emma’s War – about the war and conflict in Sudan, and How Much is Enough – about materialism and our constant struggle and desire to have MORE. The three of them are mixing in my head along with countless other things I’ve learned or heard about or that I know. It’s a very jumbled mess in my head. Everything seems to be related, but I don’t know how and I don’t know how to reconcile everything. It’s also combined with my Bible reading. My sophomore and junior years of high school I did really well with the Bible reading and since then have been trying (largely unsuccessfully) to get back into the habit. I’ve been doing well this semester. Reading the prophets, I see over and over how God rebukes Israel for materialism and oppression of the poor. It’s really…powerful, I guess, reading it in light of learning about poverty and conflict n the world.
Compassion is divided into 3 sections, The Compassionate God, The Compassionate Life, and the Compassionate Way. The book starts off with redefining compassion. To be human does not mean that we are compassionate. Compassion, Biblical compassion, is far rarer. Our society is largely competitive and it is nearly impossible to show compassion to those whom you are in competition with. It’s easy to give money or something to those “less fortunate,” but far more difficult to actually strive to live in their shoes and equally difficult to show compassion to your “equals.” There’s so much good stuff in this book that I can’t try to pick out good portions because I love all of it so far. I haven’t read the last section yet. But I am looking forward to it.
I also wonder a lot about how I’ll be changed by Uganda and by everything. This program is designed to challenge us and to confront us with things we may rather not face. I’m learning a ton and I feel like I’m changing, but changes here – in this environment when many people are feeling the same things – is different than at home, where no one else has had this experience. I think that a lot of how I think has changed, my outlook and worldview and opinions, that my behavior has to change. We learned a while ago about telos and praxis, your goal or purpose and your beliefs and actions. I hope that even when I’m home, these 2 things match up. I don’t need all the stuff I have. And I definitely don’t need any more stuff. But what do I need? What can I live without? What are necessities versus luxuries? II do know that it’s still okay to indulge in luxuries sometimes, but it’s important to keep them from becoming necessities. And here, my luxuries are a pillow, a breeze, a toilet and toilet seat, toilet paper, a new skirt, etc. Once I get home, I need to create a budget and actually stick to it. I need to resist spending money just because I have it or just because my parents are willing to give it to me.
A few days ago, my mom emailed me about a friend of my dad’s who’s selling his car for pretty cheap. My parents would pay for it, but I’d have to pay for insurance and such when I get home. My first reaction was yes, I would like a car. But I thought about it before I replied. I don’t know what my income will be when I get home, or if I’ll have one. I don’t really need a car, because my parents each have one and I can almost always get rides from people. Yes, I still want the car and have been very tempted several times to email my mom back and tell her that, but I restrain myself. I don’t need it. I don’t know if or how my parents not spending money on the car will help me, but it will cause me to spend more of my income on insurance and gas and a parking permit. I still really like the idea of owning my own car, something I hadn’t thought I would have until after college really. But the desire to own one just to have it also feels a little sketchy.
I’m just trying to reconcile everything in my head and it’s not very easy. I wish it was. Vaya con Dios.