Does everything in my life have to be a stretching and growing experience? This semester has definitely been one whee I've grown the most, spiritually, in friendships, in expressing myself, and in resolving conflicts but sometimes I wish some areas of my life were just areas that I could be comfortable in. Like, if I'm growing a lot closer to God and learning to depend more on Him, which is something outside my 'comfort zone,' can't I be comfortable in times with my friends? Why does being in community have to feel like a discipline and something I have to stretch myself in? When I spend time alone, I feel lonely. It just happens, quite a bit actually. Can't I just have peace and rest and comfort in that area of my life for a little while? I feel like I'm explaining this badly, but last night I was thinking about my conflict resolution skills, or lack thereof, and knowing how much I have grown this semester or even in the past couple of years, but how far I still have to grow. I guess in a way I want to not grow in things, to be unaware of my deficiencies and not trying to stretch past my comfort zone so often. I don't want to have to consciously tell myself not to be jealous or passive-aggressive or focused, whether on homework or friends or whatever. I want things that are supposed to be fun to actually be fun.
This past weekend, I went to Rocky Point with my family and it was awesome. I didn't take my computer or any homework things homework and I think I needed that. I had the weekend to chill out and go snorkeling and sit on the beach and eat burritos and wrestle my sister/break our camper. But then I didn't get a whole lot of sleep so I'm entering the worst week of my semester sleep deprived and thus less motivated and more emotional than usual. Any time I think about things I have to do on top of schoolwork, I get panicky. Even just thinking about having to pick up and fill out a job application, meet for a meeting/test for a different potential job, pick up/return library books, see how I like my new nook, hang out with a bunch of different friends, get people to sign my birthday present mug from Charlotte's mom, pack, study for finals, go to Disneyland, go to the beach.
I just started reading Ruby Slippers, and it's so awesome but also eats up my time and I feel guilty for not doing homework or hanging out with people that I won't get to see in a couple weeks or not trying out my nook and I just need something I can enjoy, like I said earlier. I need something I can just purely enjoy and I can't find anything.
I'm so exhausted. I'm so ready for this semester to be over. I've skipped my devotions for the past week or so because I just plain need that extra time to sleep in the morning and I'm too busy or distracted during the day. I'm just plain worn out from this semester, with my class load and thinking about the future and major changes in my life and Mickey dying and reflecting and just...life. I desparately need sleep and free time and...summer. God, be with me. Get me through and give me strength until I can finally rest.
Vaya con Dios.
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