My spring semester is finally finally finally over! All of the stress and papers and tests and packing and fitting in last times with friends...ach, I get a little stressed remembering. I'm so glad to be done, but in all of the busyness I didn't really let myself think about the summer and what it will look like. It's like a big...void almost. I'm going to camp with my church for a week and to Florida with my family, both of which will be super amazing, but the rest of the summer, I've got nothing definite. Nothing but free time. Hopefully working, doing respite work like last summer, but even that's not very sure right now.
Even when I was at school, even when I was counting the days and the tasks and the hours until I could be done, I didn't even really want to come home. I love my family and I'm so glad to be able to see them, to hang out with my sister and to see Becky and Charlotte, but all of them have other things to do where I have nothing. Becky's life is basically here, Charlotte has work and things, and my sister has a way more active social life than I ever have. That sounds more self-pitying than I'm actually feeling. I just...I don't quite know how to explain. Or at least explain in a way that I'm theoretically okay with anyone reading. There are some things I won't share over public blog.
Maybe this is just because it's night; I tend to be more emotional at night or right when I wake up. This afternoon I had fun with myself, unpacking and playing good music loudly. Then Allyson and I went to Bashas and got food, because our parents and Zach were gone, and made some pizza bagels and rented The Lovely Bones. And it was good. It wasn't until I got tired and bored that I started being so melancholy. I don't like melancholy. I need something to do. I'm going to go crazy sitting at home all summer. I think it goes back to my last blog and feeling like I don't have a place to rest. Everything is uncomfortable or stretching or...I don't know. I explained it well to my spiritual director but I cried then thinking about it and I'm sick of crying too so I try to avoid thinking about it. That's a totally healthy way to deal, right?
I'm not a fan of uncertainty and this summer is going to be different than either of my summers in college for a few different reasons. I'm working on holding to God, really knowing that He is here with me. It's a long, slow process of learning and relearning.
Now I'm trying to get up, I'm trying to retrace
My steps back to wherever I messed up
Is forever enough?
I'm holding on...
I know you'll be there whenever I wake up
No comments:
Post a Comment