Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley, Dumbledore!

I seriously, really cannot believe that the first half of the last Harry Potter movie is coming out next week. In 9 days, I will be sitting at a movie theatre and in 9.5 days, it will be over. I'll probably have just as big a crisis for the second one, but...it's...weird. Harry Potter was a huge part of my childhood, in some ways. I remember my teacher reading the book to us in fourth grade. She would read a chapter from a book every day after lunch, but I had PI most days of the week during that time, so I would usually try to find the book after she'd finished and read it myself. I remember most specifically the first chapter of the first book because I was so confused. I could not figure out what in the world was going on and then I had PI for most of the rest of the book. I remember begging my mom to get my the first book in 5th grade so I could do a group book project (ah...remember book reports? I hated those.). She got it for me and then I got the second and third for Christmas that year. I have pictures from that Christmas. My mom made me and Allyson matching dresses and we're all dorky and cute. The fourth book came out that summer and I borrowed it from Kylie to read on a road trip to South Dakota with my family. The 5th book came out when I was 14, the 5th when I was 16, and the 7th when I was 18.

I remember walking to a midnight release party for the 7th book with Kylie. We wanted to see Hairspray and neither of us had cars so my mom dropped us off at the movie theatre for the movie and then we walked to the book store and hung out for a while. It was really hot out and we had to walk a long way. Then after we got our books, we sat outside the store reading them and waited for Charlotte to come pick us up. There was something really exciting about 8 or 10 pages in and when I got to it, I sat and waited for Kylie to get to the same point. We read all night at the house Charlotte was house sitting at and in the morning she made me get up and fish an Easy-Up out of the pool, because it had stormed and gotten blown in. It was way too complicated for my sleepy, Harry Potter-filled mind.

I've heard some college freshmen say that the Toy Story series was written for them; they've been the same age as Andy and graduated high school right before Toy Story 3 came out. Well, Harry Potter was written for me. The books ended right after I graduated high school and the movies will end right after college. Of all the books I have, I've probably read these ones the most. Going to the Harry Potter theme park this summer was beyond awesome. Thinking about the last movie, about the events and moments that have to make it on-screen makes me feel weirdly emotional. By that point, it'll have been 13 years since I first heard the first chapter. I could recount so many other memories, of the books and the going to the midnight movies and...a lot of other things. Harry Potter hasn't been the 'defining force' in my life, but it has been a big part. I will be sad when it's finally, actually over.

Currently, I'm so hoped up and excited for next week that I can barely stand to do homework and waste time watching Potter Puppet Pals and the theatrical trailer on YouTube. or those of you out there who are as excited as I am...it's only 9 days, 3 hours, 44 minutes, and 57, 56, 55 seconds away now!

Vaya con Dios.

You, have knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like I’m nothing

I'm breakable.

That's what I've been thinking about for the past little while today. Earlier, I was in a really great mood. Not sure why, but I was happy and peppy and bouncy. But then I got a reply to an email I'd sent earlier and felt attacked and got defensive and it's like my whole day's gone down. From what? One three or four sentence email that I probably ms interpreted? That's really enough to ruin my whole day? It's enough to make me question myself, to make me doubt my motivations and then my value. It's enough to make me realize that I'm not so far from all the insecurities I like to pretend are gone.

What does being a new creation even mean if I'm still struggling with the same insecurities, the same questions as I was 10 years ago?

I know that I'm not invincible, that I'm not unbeatable but I'm currently feeling very breakable, very fragile. Like a tiny rock that hits a windshield and makes a giant circle of cracks until the whole windshield shatters. I know I won't shatter, but it's hard to...live sometimes. It's hard to keep from pitying myself and drowning in my failures, my sins, all the ways I don't and never will measure up but it's also hard to keep from building the wall around me taller and thinker and stronger. I don't know how to keep the balance, to be vulnerable and open and be okay with emotions but not be overly emotional and driven solely by my feelings. I usually don't know what to do about the cracks in my heart so I just ignore them, live and function as if they're not there. I don't like talking about things that have hurt. I know there's hurt and there's a crack but if I look the other way, maybe no one else will see it either. I can't get out of this cycle alone. It's probably the thing that makes me the most aware that I need Jesus. I know that I can't do it alone, that if I try I'll be weird and emotiona and super clingy and...someone  wouldn't want to be friends with. But if my identity is really rooted in being God's creation, being made in the image of God...that's where my confidence comes from. That's the solid rock I can stand on.

The person who knocks me down, who breaks me and makes me feel like I'm nothing isn't the person who sent the email. It's not any of the people that have wounded me throughout my life, intentionally or unintentionally. satan's the one who does the wounding and the breaking. My issue is with him. The real battle is against him. It's in changing my thinking and my processing of events, or, actually, in God working to change my thinking and processing.

Vaya con Dios.

Wishful thinking, mindless dreaming

So I haven't posted a log in a while and I thought I probably should. I have no idea what I'm going to say, so this will probably ramble on and around a little more than usual. But anyways, life has really been good. Not like super, spectacularly exciting and amazing every second, but good. I like my classes and as much I do not want to write a 25-page paper, the research is really interesting and awesome...and time consuming. Ugh. I'm also in a 'lull' in my semester. All 5 of my classes have final papers, from my giant 25-page one to a couple 8-10 page research papers and whatever in between - it's going to be a lot of papers. So if I'm smart and prepared, I should start writing them now. I should actually be doing that right now, but I don't want to.

I've also been working on my schedule for next semester and that's really strange too. It's my last semester of school, maybe ever. (Hopefully not ever, because I'm pretty set on this social work grad school thing, but whatever). But at least for the next couple of years after this one, I will not be in school. I won't have a summer break. I won't be living my life split in half. I'll be living in one place and that is really exciting. I'm not sure how life is going to be like when I'm not in school, because basically all of memories have been in school, or summer vacation when I haven't had a job or anything. I know I use the word weird a lot, but a lot of things are weird to me. Life is generally weird, not what I expect or would predict, definitely not what I would plan on sometimes.

Oh, something else that's maybe important...I have been obsessed with Taylor Swift lately. I was obsessed with JJ Heller for the past few weeks, so it's a nice change. My roommate bought her new CD last week and I paid her for part of it so I could 'borrow' it. But I've spent way too much time looking up who/what people think her songs are about, because it's really interesting to me at least. But reading about her, Taylor Lautner comes up a lot because one of her songs is about him. And he is still very attractive. I've thought that Rupert Grint, who plays Ron in the Harry Potter movies, is attractive for a long time. I seriously love red hair; I've wanted it since I was 12 and I love it on girls and on guys. And he has nice red hair and a good smile. However, the character of Ron annoys me sometimes. Quite a bit, actually. He is not even close to being my favorite character in that series (his sister, Ginny, is close because she's awesome and also has the red hair). But I like Taylor Lautner even more, because I like Jacob's character. I've said before that if I had the choice, I would choose Jacob over Edward. Not just because Robert Pattinson is gross looking, but because he's also controlling and stupid. I did not think I was going to be talking about Twilight today. I like Taylor Swift better than Twilight; I just got distracted. The Harry Potter tangent I could expect. I'm almost as obsessed with that as I am with Taylor Swift.

As I keep going through school this last year, I'm more confirmed and more...terrified...of doing social work. I love kids and teaching and hanging out with kids comes almost completely naturally. I get along really well with 6-year olds and I love preschoolers. But kids in social work is depressing. Working with teenagers scares me more. I do not naturally have the social skills to talk to them. I usually think I'm weird and awkward and...ugh. But adolescence is also the most 'formative' and important time in someone's life, supposedly. Which actually just is more frightening, thinking that I could 'screw someone up' if I was a social worker with teens. But having the chance to write a 25-page paper on social work with teen girls for my ICS class is amazing. I love it. I love research, so it's pretty awesome. Life is great. I like my classes, my apartment, my friends.

I think I've written enough now. Life is good. I like Taylor Swift. I would be friends with her. I'm even more excited for Harry Potter which is in..15.5 days (!!). I should do my homework now.

Vaya con Dios.

It's funny how things change...and funny how they don't

Things that have not changed:
1. I am awesome
2. Gilmore Girls is hilarious and my favorite show.
3. Jess is cute.

Things that have changed:
1. I do not like cold weather. I used to say I preferred cold weather to hot. That was false. My circulation does not work properly and thus, cold weather is miserable.
2. I want to to work with teenagers. Ever since I was little, I've wanted to work with kids. I'm not always great at communicating with peers and adults, but I can talk to kids. Kids are awesome. They're easy; talking to or playing with kids is one of the things that comes most naturally. I can teach a kindergarten/first grade Sunday school class with no preparation and I do it well. But my...passion, I guess, for the past few months in teen girls. I love them; they are awesome...they are also more complex and more difficult.

Thus semester both of my opportunities for working with young kids (preschool-1st grade) went away or different reasons. However, in my one Intercultural Studies class, I am writing my big capstone paper, basically what my major has been working towards for the past 4 years, on teenage girls. Yep. My one last big ICS thing isn't about culture unless you think teens are aliens from another world, which some do. Anyways, I have to go to class now. My youth ministry class. I just wanted to write really quickly and tell you all how my life has changed, because I think it's funny.

So...thanks Horizons girls, for sucking me in. For making my life plans far different than what I thought they'd be 3 years ago. Thank you Rusty or making me a junior high leader. Thank you lady from the missions fair last year who told me that I should think about social work. Ach...I actually need to leave now

Vaya con Dios!

Ruby Slippers

I love Jonalyn Fincher. I've never really met her, although she did speak at a chapel at Biola last year with her husband. But she is really smart and really good at articulating her thoughts into a really amazing book called Ruby Slippers. It's about women, the soul of women and a lot of other things. Men should read it too because it is..fantastic.
I've been reading it slowly over the past couple weeks and I still have one chapter left, but I'm so distracted by her ideas ad I want other people to know what she says because she talks about a lot of things that I think are important.

I tried to start writing to talk about the book, about what she says. But I was 1 giant paragraph in and had barely started talking about what's important in he first chapter. But the book is seriously seriously awesome. her chapters can be long, but they're all so so good. She's talking about femininity, how it's been used to force women into a specific 'gender role' and used to constrain who we think we 'ought' to be. She talks about what femininity should be, how God designed it and how God designed women to bear His image. As a woman, I bear God's image just as much as a man does. I bear God's image in my soul, in the attributes and characteristics that I share with Him, attributes and characteristics that are different that the attributes and characteristics of men.
She talks about six broad, general traits of being a woman, six things that most women have. They're not things that are necessary to e feminine or to be a woman, but they're general 'family characteristics,' is what I think she calls them. She says that no women is ever ore or less feminine. Whether I'm sitting on my couch in a tank to and basketball shorts (as I am now) or dressed up for prom - I am always a woman and I am always feminine.
The chapter I read today talked about some of the weaknesses of women, things we tend to do. She frames them as our strengths and our attributes gone bad and says that men's weaknesses are often the same thing. She talks about a tendency to be passive aggressive, to send silent, subtle barbs at other women to hurt them. She talks about her own tendency to end over backward to please someone, about women's emotional sensitivity to others and how we need to be needed, and why that's a bad thing. She talked about the tendency of women to not like other women, which is something that always bugs me so much. I always hear from girls that "I just don't like other girls" and I understand what they mean but it's so...awful to perpetuate a 'girl-hating culture.' (Another book I read Reviving Ophelia talked about our girl-hating culture). She talked about our tendency to classify things as feminine or girly and dismiss them, to think that more masculine things are better and cooler and thus to degrade women.
I feel like I could read this book over and over and continue learning from it. I read the first couple chapters last year and loved it, but when I started it over this year, they were just as good. I want other women, other girls, to read this book. I want them to know and understand what she talks about.

I love Ruby Slippers.  You should read it. I will seriously buy it for you. Email me, Facebook message me. It is the best ever.

Vaya con Dios.

You know what, I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.

I love the Office. It is my favorite show, maybe close to rivaling Gilmore Girls in sheer awesomeness. Not quite, but definitely close. A lot of the reason I like it is because of Jim. John Krasinski is definitely not bad looking and the character of Jim is so awesome.

For the Women's Care Ministry I'm a part of this year, we're leading a book study on Captivating. The primary thing the author talks about is the three deep, soul level desires of all women, which are to be romanced, to be an irreplaceable part of a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. I've only read the first chapter so far and I don't remember the rest of what she says, but these things definitely fit me. I think my love of the Office and of Jim relates to these desires. I want to be Pam, to have a guy totally in love with me, who doesn't give up for years, who proposes in a gas station in the middle of pouring rain. Maybe not those exact things...but I love Pam and Jim's story. Jim's super funny and awesome and funny and...I'm not good with adjectives.

In Captivating, Stasi Elderedge talks about a woman's desire to be romanced, to be pursued by a man and to be his priority. She talks about getting flowers and love letters from the guy she ended up marrying and I'm like...that's so cute. I want that too. But at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't talk about wanting this. I'm almost embarrassed to be writing this right now, like it's too personal. There's a song by Bethany Dillon called Beautiful and in it she says that she wants to be beautiful, to make someone to stand in awe, to be amazed by her inner and outer beauty. I posted the lyrics on my MySpace once, a couple years ago and felt almost embarrassed that I agreed with her then. They're...too deep, too close to my heart.

To admit that I want to, I yearn to, be romanced and pursued is...it feels girly and weak and desperate. I can and do live and get along without a man in my life; I'm a whole, complete person by myself. I don't live and wait for the time when there is someone pursuing me...but it's still something I want. It's why I wish Jim was real.

Vaya con Dios.

Bittersweet

I hate my youth ministry class. Hate it hate it hate it. Also, I really love it. The content is awesome, the reading is really interesting, and the professor is great. However...it makes me sad every week after class. I miss my Horizons students so much after talking about ministry and about teenagers for 2 hours. I spent my whole walk back to my apartment tonight trying not to cry. We talked about mentoring today in class, what a mentor is and isn't, how to set-up a mentoring relationship, and other stuff. I wanted to have a youth group to use the stuff I'm learning. I want to be a volunteer with a youth group. Well, actually, I want to be a volunteer with Horizon's youth group. When my professor was talking about how to choose students to mentor, I had a good list of girls in jr high and high school that I'd love to mentor, that I think are 'ready,' that would benefit from it. But it's all focused on personal contact and meeting regularly and...stuff I can't do from 300 miles away. I miss the junior highers. I miss the high schoolers too.
Sometimes I hate even being at Biola. I know it's where I'm supposed to be and I love my friends and I'm learning so much in and out of my classes...but I want to be home. If last semester was my hardest semester (which it definitely was), this is the semester I want to be here the least. I've wanted to be home so much, to be able to talk to students (not kids) and to be a real part of Horizons, not just some random girl who shows up every month or so. I want to build deeper relationships with students and it's harder over email. People forget to reply or just don't reply and continually trying to talk feels like I'm harassing them.
I miss Becky and Tiffany and my sister. I feel like I'm having a little pity party for myself here. I guess I basically am. I wish I could be two people. Or that my life and my heart weren't split in half, between here and there. I wish I wasn't stuck in a place I don't want to be. But...then it's not about me, is it? As selfish as I am and as much as I would love to just quit school and do what I want, I know God wants me here. I know that I'm going to do social work. Missions was always my idea; social work appeared out of the blue when I was looking for a missions-related job. I hope I get to stay in Peoria; I hope I get to be more involved with Horizons when I graduate (which is only 8 months away!). But God's plans aren't the same as mine; my life is going to be different than how I imagine. I'm working on being open to God's will, to seeking that even when I'm depressed and just wanting to be home. If you pray for me, pray for that. If you want me to pray for you, let me know and I will. Every day. I'm not even lying. If you're from Horizons and you read this, I miss you.

Vaya con Dios.

Call it torture, call it university

I'm in a World Civilizations class this semester, covering about 1500 until now-ish. I was not excited to actually have to take the class, but since I'm just taking it online, it's interesting. I read a chapter, take a test, and post my answers to the discussion questions every week. It takes less than 3 hours. Anyways...this week my chapter is about the Enlightenment and Scientific Revolution. I already know quit a bit abut it thanks to AIMS World History and Ms. Calvano, but it's kind of weird now. I can't think of a better adjective. But these guys that I learned about in school, Voltaire and Locke and others, hated Christians and Christianity. They believed and trusted solely in science and things that were 'rational' and could be proven. They also, interestingly, thought that the existence of God could be 'empirically deduced by the contemplation of nature.' They didn't believe in divine revelation, but deists believed that there was a God who created the world and that we have life after death, to be rewarded or punished based on our deeds while on earth. In some ways it's odd that these men have affected a lot of how we understand the world, the freedoms we have now in the United States, but they were very opposed to the church as a whole. Or Freud, who was horribly sexist and crazy, but I still have to study and learn things that he taught. I don't like Freud.
In some ways, I can see why though. The church in the Middle Ages wasn't really known for their toleration or compassion. England couldn't decided whether it hated the Protestants or Catholics and alternately killed both, Spain had the Inquisition, and torture was pretty well accepted for 'heretics.' The Catholic church accepting indulgences and the persecution and silencing of former scientists (i.e. Copernicus and Galileo) probably didn't help matters either. It's like the beginning of the idea that science and religion can't agree; they're almost always seen as opposing and enemies, like the ideas taught by the church are so ridiculous and unable to measure. In some ways, yeah, they are. The fact that God became a human being, that one God is also 3 people, that forever exists or that heaven and hell are real places...it's more than I can understand and more than science can explain. There's more to life than matter and energy, more than can fit into the bow of things that are scientifically explainable. My theology professor last year attended a state college and he was talking about his biology class. The professor as talking about the human body and the heart and the fact that scientists don't know what makes the heart start beating...it just does. It's like science acknowledges that there are things unexplainable through scientific processes, but pretends there aren't.
I could go on about science and religion, but my point was just that so much of our cultural understanding and the importance of science came from these men who would think that I'm ignorant and an idiot and intolerant and...a religious fanatic. I love learning, so I just thought it was intriguing, especially studying this at a Christian university.

Vaya con Dios.

You're alone and you're scared, but the banquet's all prepared

My life is not my own.

That's what I've been learning this past weekend especially. I went home and realized how much I missed Arizona weather. It seems crazy, because I've spent the past 21 years complaining about the heat, and wanting to go out of Arizona for college and maybe wanting to leave for after college, but I was glad to be home and appreciated the consistency in weather. As much as I don't always like the heat, it's nice to know that when I wake up it will be really hot and in the afternoon it will be really hot and at 11 pm it will be really hot. California weather is so temperamental and up and down and cloudy in the morning, but sweltering by 10:30, when I get off of work. Ugh.

But...back to learning. Through Stuff Christians Like and Troy talking at church this past weekend, I'm learning (or trying to) that my life and what I do with it isn't about my comfort zone, my preferences, and what I think I'd be best at. I'm not saying that God doesn't use the skills and passions He's given me in using me as a part of His plan, but my primary concern is and should be His plan, what He's doing, and were He's leading. The limited place where I'm comfortable is not the top of His list I don't think, because He can gift me to do anything or use me and work through me when and where I'm not gifted.

Another reason I'm really glad I went home this past weekend, besides having fun and hanging out with people, is hearing Troy's message at church Sunday morning and a brief one at youth worship night Sunday night. They were both awesome. He talked about being contagious as Christians rather than complacent and compromising. He talked along similar lines on Sunday night and what kept running through my head is that my life is not mine to dictate and control. It's not up to me to decide.

As a result of this idea and Troy's message this weekend, I signed up for a couple different ministries at Biola, at least to learn more. I did not sign up for the ministries involved in working with kids, even though that is always my first inclination. Working with kids is, to me, easiest. I'm comfortable teaching Sunday School to K-1st graders and working with preschoolers far more than being a camp counselor for junior high and high school students. For a long time, I've thought that God's plan for me is to work with kids as a career and as a service to Him. But especially in the past couple of years, working with Horizons students and praying with high school girls where I know that those were not my words coming out...maybe my love of kids and my ease and comfort in teaching and working with them doesn't equal God's plan for my future. Maybe God wants to stretch me more.

So at the ministry fair, I avoided the booths for child-related ministries and specifically signed up at 2 booths way outside my comfort zone, Women's Care in the social justice ministry and Brown Bag, which is ministry and friendship with the homeless. Both of these terrify me. I went to an info meeting for Women's Care tonight and they were talking with working with a home for women, 17 and over, teaching life skills classes and hosting book studies and writing letters to women in prison and I was like...um...I don't know how to do that. I am not quipped; maybe this isn't for me. Staying and listening though, I wanted to do it. Working with kids is easy and comfortable, but life isn't supposed to be easy and comfortable. I want to grow and learn and step outside the small arena that I feel totally comfortable in.

God's prepared the way before me; He's already present and working in whatever situation I find myself in, whether it's a castle with talking clocks or teaching life skills and discussing books with victims of sex trafficking. God is awesome.

I don't think Troy reads this, but if you do...thanks.

Vaya con Dios.

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights and cups of coffee

I think blogging is like some sort of addiction. Once I start, I keep thinking of amazingly brilliant things to tell everyone. Or maybe I just like the feeling on my thoughts being in a computer and not all crammed in my head. I read in a book last week that journaling for a few minutes before you go to bed will help you sleep better. I have no doubt that it will, but I always just want to go to sleep so my thoughts are all stuck in my brain.
I just finished reading a Jodi Picoult book. She likes to write books about controversial things. They usually flash back and forth so you don't even really know what's going until a ways into it and she uses a lot of different people's points of view so it's even more confusing. There's also usually a court case of some sort and s dramatic revelation at the eleventh hour. I like her books; they're entertaining and easy to read. They're usually a good escape from having to think too much. But I did not like the one I just finished. I was really depressed after it. It was a story about a guy who was accused of raping a student at the school he used to teach at. After 8 months in jail, he moved somewhere new, started dating a girl, and then a girl in the new town accuses him of rape. Addie, the girl he starts dating, had been raped at the end of high school by 3 guys, 2 of whom still live in her small town. The accused rapist/teacher, Jack, stood by in college when his friends from the soccer team regularly gang raped girls. Since he was often the top scorer, he got to go first and just pretended the rest didn't happen. Then, very dramatically (to completely ruin the ending), after Jack wins the case, the author reveals that Gillian, the accuser, is regularly sexually abused by her dad, who also by the way was the leader of the group that raped Addie back in high school, along with the police chief. After I finished the last page, I wanted to cry.
I've joked before that authors have higher expectations or opinions of people that movie producers. Books are way more likely to end unhappily and the endings get changed when they're made into movies, like in Dear John and My Sister's Keeper. But sometimes, I just like happy endings. It's probably part of the reason I like Harry Potter so much. I always knew the ending was going to be basically happy, that Voldemort would die and all would be well. The books and authors I've been finding and reading more lately do not seem to like happy endings very much. I know that life isn't made up of happy endings and I don't like cheesiness, but I read to have a break from normal life. I think it's silly that a lot of Christian authors don't seem to think that Christians can live past the pioneer era, but I like those books. There's twists and conflict, but you know it's all going to be okay. You know it's not going to just end after a court trial with a father making out with his daughter.
I've been thinking about racism more too, because I'm in a Peoples of Ethnic America class, so we've been talking and reading about it. Sometimes I think that I like to pretend that racism doesn't really exist. That it's exaggerated and people are just lazy and...whatever else. We were talking about 'white privilege' in class today, about the idea or reality that white people have an advantage over people of other races, that merely by being white we don't suffer as much and aren't discriminated against. The author of the essay was female so she also talked about male privilege, that generally guys are privileged and have an advantage, just because they're male. They don't have to worry about the same sexism-related issues or wonder if the reason that someone talks like you're an idiot or doesn't acknowledge your contribution to a Bible discussion is because you're female. My opinions on women and our role must be selfishly rooted and emotionally driven. Why is t that even I am more impressed by a male writer who's more egalitarian than I am by a woman?
Life is too complicated. I wish I was at Hogwarts.

Vaya con Dios.