Desparately need You

I'm very conflicted about a lot of things. Tonight, or this week I guess, Biola is doing some 'Gender Impact' chapels and things. Tonight, there was one called 'Gender Myths,' a message and discussion by Jonalyn and Dale Fincher. I really liked it; I agreed with most of what they said. I guess I'll tell you what they said before I talk about my tumbling, confused thoughts.

They talked a lot about myths or stereotypes that just aren't true and the way our culture marginalizes both genders in how we talk and think about ourselves and one another, making a path for domestic violence and rape. Those two things wouldn't come out of a culture with a healthy understanding of and respect for both genders and gender differences. They talked about a survey given to elementary school kids, in which they were asked 'what if you woke up tomorrow morning as the other gender?' Most of the girls said they'd rather still be girls but gave benefits of being boys (shooting hoops after breakfast, being chose to demonstrate a sport in PE, etc.). Most of the boys, however, were horrified. Some said they would kill themselves before they'd be a girl and said how they would do it too, whether stabbing themselves or taking a bottle of kids. Gender and differences and the apparent superiority of one is taught subconsciously and at a young age.

Ach...I have so many thoughts, relating to tonight and other books I've read and my theology class in which we're talking about women in the church and it's so frustrating. I feel so picky sometimes, picking up subtle nuances and motivation behind the phrasing of a word of the one someone uses that makes me chafe against what they say, even though I might agree with their actual point. I think I chafe against motivations behind what they say, that women should be submissive and men leaders. In my small group communication class, we talked about how the best business/small group leaders have more androgynous traits, traits traditionally attributed to both genders. It's a topic I'm interested in and have stayed up way way too late talking and debating about before. I think it's hard because the picky nuances matter. They show things about the culture and subtle ways that show what someone actually thinks and not just what they're saying. Choosing a tone or a specific word reveals cultural biases that aren't Biblical, as much as submission to God and differences between men ad women are.

I'm still not quite sure what I think and have even less confidence in my ability to articulate it correctly without frustrating myself completely or taking five pages to do so. I will say that I do believe that men and women were created by God to be different; He made our bodies obviously differently and I think He made our souls and our whole being different from one another also. I definitely don't think that means that all women are the same or all men are the same. But we reflect and show God's image differently. I think He can gift men and women equally and that we have equal access to God; it's not the man who receives God's will and the woman who follows her husband or someone that's not God. I think that God has a will for my life separate from any possible husband or anyone else. I'm still not sure if God has missions in my future or not, and I question sometimes if I'm strong enough to go alone. In a lot of ways, I look for friends and people to surround me that complement my strengths. In a lot of ways, I need someone with me who's more outgoing when I'm reserved, more of an idea person when I can focus on follow thru, more communicative and able to handle conflict. But could these areas be met in a ministry team? Ugh...maybe I should save this discussion for another time, another day, another blog. It would be another 10 pages of wondering and wandering around in circles, looking for an answer. I want to be okay in not having the answers, in being clueless and fumbling for my next step.

I want a lot of things, I have a lot of questions. I think I'm going to take them all and go to bed. Good night.