There's no such thing as a free lunch.

There's also no such thing as a cheap t-shirt. Last summer, I read a book called Everyday Justice, about the things that normal people can do or change in their everyday lives in order to pursue justice in the world. The author calls them 'tweaks' to the way we already do things. Most people can't or won't completely overhaul their lifestyle of habits, but by changing some things in how we live, we can pursue God's justice in the world.

One of the main things that sticks with me is the idea of thinking of 'hidden costs.' I was raised to look for bargains and good deals in everything, to buy cheap. My parents are both very...frugal, which isn't a negaitve thing at all. But a lot of things that we buy for cheap come at great cost to others. Thinking about the fact that the Biola t-shirt I'm wearing right now could have likely been made by a junior high girl, working 80 hours a week, and also possibly expected to have sex with her employer makes me a little disgusted with myself. But it's not always enough disgusted to keep me from buying a cheap shirt at Kohl's or Old Navy, two stores that I love. It's far enough removed that I can go without thinking about it for a long time. And buying clothes ethically does seen way too overwhelming, since I haven't found any actual stores and I'm not a huge fan of buying online.

After I read the book, I decided to go this school year without buying clothes, primarily to seek out places to ethically buy my clothing. I haven't quite made it, but I also haven't bought as much as I would have otherwise. I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do when the school year is over. Fairtrade clothes are a lot more expensive, because the workers that made it are paid legally (Labor cost is generally .04% of what we pay for an article of clothing). I don't have the money to spend, so hopefully it'll make me think more carefully about what I buy and I can buy more intentionally and whatnot. That's the goal at least and I've got a month and a half (!) until the end of the school year to figure it all out.

Vaya con Dios.


http://www.newdream.org/marketplace/clothing.php

 http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/documentary_archive/6564445.stm

A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement.

She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, “Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can’t save all these starfish. You can’t begin to make a difference!”

The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean. Then she looked up at the man and replied,

“Well, I made a difference to that one!”

There are more important things in life than my no-longer-a-teenager angst, my love for The Office and Harry Potter, and my eagerness to graduate. That might be all for this month.

Til I see Your face, see it shining through

I want to graduate so badly. I'm having a hard time with this last semester and being...present, I guess. I think so much about the future, about living in AZ and finding a job and getting an apartment that I can't enjoy the time I have here and now. I feel like I no longer have any friends; I only really talk to my roommates and the people in my classes. It's like...well, I'm not going to be here in 4 months and you can't keep all your friends from college anyways, so why try? Sometimes, I am ridiculous.
I'm also basically incapable of doing homework. I'm typing and doing so well on a paper...and then suddenly I'm on Facebook and I don't even know how it happened. I tend to go for a reward system with myself and homework, like I get to get dinner after I finish this section or this assignment, I get to check Facebook, I get to watch The Office. It's pretty effective, except when the lazy part of my brain takes over and forcibly drags me away from doing homework without me realizing.
I really like Elisabeth Elliot. I wish we could have been friends. Except she would not approve of my laziness.
Um...I don't really have anything else to say. I'm bored. And sleepy. Too tired  for homework (obviously) but not tired enough for sleep.  I'll go read instead.

Vaya con Dios.

And so each step she’s taking is a step of faith toward who she’ll be

I don't want to only blog when I'm all melancholy and lame. This is about my life and my life has the valleys, but the mountains too and I've been doing pretty good lately. I got to go home this past weekend and it was super awesome. I got to see and hang out with my family a lot and also with my friends at home. My sister told me that I need to find a man RIGHT NOW and even wanted to pick up a guy off the street for me. My two best friends are both engaged now which is super exciting. Me and Becky talked about things for her bridal shower and bachelorette party, both of which are going to be so excellent since I'll probably be planning and such. On a side note, Firefox does not think that 'bachelorette' is a word. What's up with that?

Anyways, hmmm...life life life. Life right now is a lot of homework and interning. I'm at a group home about 20 minutes from my school and it's awesome and frustrating and challenging and great. I like going and I love the kids, but kids who've been neglected for the majority of their lives tend to act out more and act more immaturely than they should. I like most of the staff, but adjusting to three different staff groups with different opinions about me and what my role is can be confusing.

God is great too. I don't like the valley part of life and such, but learning the lesson is so great. I was reading part of The Screwtape Letters yesterday and it was talking about how God uses the hard time to come nearer to people. The book is written as a collection of letters from one demon, Screwtape, to his nephew Wormwood about how to lure a man away from God, whom he calls The Enemy. He talks about how God wants to preserve and give us free will, so oftentimes He'll in a sense "back off" and let us figure things out by ourselves, but that He may also speak to us more clearly in those times. Screwtape says that a man is truly lost to their cause when he can be in darkness, unable to see or hear or feel God, and still trust Him and put their confidence in Him. I've never really read a lot of the book so it was really interesting and so true. It made me think about my life a lot. I've never hit 'rock bottom' or whatnot and felt totally alone and depressed. This isn't an "I'm so awesome because I did what God said" either. It's...I don't know. I don't really have a plan as to what to write. I haven't totally learned the lesson yet, but I have and am learning to be confident with God's plans and God's timing, even when I have no idea what it is and even when I'm so frustrated. Like now. Ugh. Reading it was also interesting because I do feel like God is more distant now that I'm 'better' and definitely that I don't seek Him as much, which is definitely a problem. I'm working on it.

But back to my original point, life is great. It really is. Not like a fake great where really it sucks but I don't wan to announce that online or even a mediocre. There are things that aren't good and things/people that frustrate me, but there are a lot more that bring me joy, like hanging out and laughing with my sister and getting Taco Bell and sharing  testimonies with an awesome girl I just met. I'm really excited for life and what God has in store.

Vaya con Dios.

Tired of the eggshells we've been walking on

Sometimes...I am ridiculous. Sometimes I completely understand why men say that women are complicated. I don't think that all women are all the time...but I definitely have the moments where someone else would need a dotted line and an X to mark the spot to understand what I'm thinking. Just sometimes though. But that's not the point of what I'm trying to say.

Today at my internship, one of the girls in the group home did not want to do her homework at all. She was pretending to be a dead possum and running around in circles and eating chips and talking to the staff members there, anything to keep from doing the one last division problem on her worksheet. At one point, her house mom told her that her homework wasn't just going to go away; that it'd still be there when she was done doing what she was doing. It made me think, because I do that a lot. I hope that problems go away if I don't have to deal with them, don't have to talk about them. That how I feel about a situation or whatnot will change if I ignore it and act like everything's fine. Or even when I know that it's not a good way to handle anything, I still do it. It's ridiculous.

I've been listening to Taylor Swift today because it just feels like a Taylor Swift sort of day. Does that make sense? Anyways, so Taylor Swift mixed with some Hawk Nelson stuck in my head and coupled with thinking about my problems not going away made me all melancholy. Thinking about all the things I've left unsaid, the situations and relationships with so much that I don't want to talk about, so much I want to ignore and pretend like I'm doing just great. But sometimes, writing about it helps and brings me out of my funk, at least for the night.

Vaya con Dios. Happy Valentine's Day!


you're beautiful
every little piece, love, don't you know
you're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
when you find everything you've looked for
i hope your life leads you back to my door
oh but if it don't, stay beautiful

Tied together with a smile

I am passive-aggressive. I've probably known this for a while but didn't have the specific word or definition to apply until last semester. In my small group communication class, a group did a presentation on conflict management styles: assertive, passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive. They said that passive-aggressive is the least healthy. I was like, 'hey...it's not the worst thing I could be.' In another class we were taking about conflict and how we respond to it, as a part of a whole personality test deal. Basically, my personality type will withdraw or give in when faced with conflict. In that class, she also gave us a list of responses to conflict, like attacking the other person, freezing them out, etc. The one that resonated the most with me was called something like 'Vengeance is Mine.' Basically, it means that I try to subtly 'punish' someone when I'm mad at them. The silent treatment is sometimes too obvious, so I still talk to and acknowledge someone I'm mad at, just in the least enthusiastic manner possible. They have really exciting news, I will reply with a 'that's great' and go back to what I was doing. I'm texting someone I'm upset with, they get short, curt answers with a period at the end. One word with a period...that is definitely the best way to communicate hurt feelings. Yes, I am so intelligent.

The thing is...I usually know I'm doing it too. It is a conscious decision to not be excited, to give curt answers over text or in person. Sometimes it's just if I've been hurt by someone and don't want to be again so I try to keep from investing in them, but sometimes I'm just mad and don't know how to handle conflict. Even when I'm being ridiculous, my head is yelling at me that I'm being stupid and I should apologize for being manipulative and we should talk about what's bothering me because it's obviously important. But the more scared part of me is usually more influential and it keeps me from saying anything. And even when I do realize my instincts and cut them off, I still don't say anything about whatever's bothering me. I just ignore it, pretend there's no problem, pretend I'm not still mad after 9. Nope, I'm doing just fine. My life is great, just busy with homework. It's so easy to hide everything and just say I'm doing good, my life is good, everything is good.

Communicating and conflict are not my greatest skills. Confronting someone involves mental planning, of what I'm going to say so that it comes out right and analyzing whether this really is important enough to say something and what the possible consequences. But then actually talking to someone and they immediately get defensive and I feel attacked and I am done with that conversation. I give in, you win, I am not talking about this any more. You keep thinking everything's fine and I'll just hold onto this bitterness that only comes out when I'm lonely. It's like my other post, satan knows what to use to get me. He knows my insecurities and fears as well as I do and he uses them against me in the worst way.

No matter how much better I like to think I'm doing, it's still the same old things over and over. I tell myself positive things, I try to handle things...but it's like it never really sinks in and I never really believe it. My head knows that I'm probably not always annoying, that I'm not ugly, that people do want to be friends with me...but the same messages keep coming back and hitting me in the face and they're impossible to get rid of. I know in my head that I've grown and changed a lot, especially in the past year, but then why do I still struggle with the exact same issues? Like the Relient K song, I struggle with forward motion. I struggle with really moving on, with being transformed, with relying on God and His strength. Ugh. Life just gets more complicated. I wish it didn't. I wish that one day I would have everything figured out, that I'd be at peace with who God made me to be, with how I look and act and think. I wish satan didn't have such a hold on me, that he didn't keep me so paralyzed with my own fears and insecurities. I wish that life would work how I wanted it to. That would definitely be awesome.

Vaya con Dios.

When every girl can see her beauty, we will be an army.

You may know that I'm in an Anthropology of Gender class this semester. I don't remember if I've written anything about it yet or not. Anyways, today I started reading our last book for the semester, called The Beauty Myth. It talks about how American society keeps women obsessed with their looks to keep them powerless...at least that's what I understand it to say. There are a lot of good things in it...a lot of really true things. It talks about work - that women, historically and statistically, work twice as hard as men. In a lot of tribal societies, women do 4/5 of the work. Here and now, women are often better and harder workers too. We also tend to have longer work weeks and more than half of married, working women are still fully responsible for any and all household chores and whatnot. Another chapter was talking about women's magazines and that it's advertisers that control what goes in them. Magazines are dependent on the revenue from ads so writing about how we don't need to diet, how we don't need to dye out gray hair or use make-up to hide everything we think is imperfect isn't going to happen. The advertisers marketing these products need women to be dependent on them. Thy need us to think that we need make-up, that we need unhealthy crash diets, and that we need to stay looking young at all costs.

Earlier today, the book was making me really angry. But now...I just feel completely and utterly powerless. A lot of gender related things are really deep rooted in our culture. So although someone may say they're not sexist, they probably are. I get upset sometimes at people tone of voice, nuances and implications in what they say, and throwaway comments, like" oh, that's just how boys are," because they reveal our true, deep cultural beliefs about men and women. The book was talking about something that we just can't quite put our finger on, it's too deep beneath the surface and influences so subtly that we don't really see it. Maybe I'm just depressed now because I'm tired. That's definitely a factor...but something this deeply rooted and this destructive feels like it can't be changed. Or change is too slow to help the junior high and high school girls that I know now. Girls I know who believe that they're ugly and that if they have sex with a boy then he'll love her, girls who have had had eating disorders, girls who say that they can't stand to hang around with other girls...so many things, so many problems.

I...don't have any solutions, any ideas. I know I should say something about how God is always working and God is sovereign, but I don't feel like He is. hy have women and the oppression of women seemed to be on His 'back burner' for all of human history? How is David a 'man after God's own heart' when he had multiple wives and stole another man's wife? How is Solomon the wisest man ever when he had multiple hundreds of concubines? The book Captivating talks about satan having a 'special hatred' for women, for targeting women specifically throughout history. But why, God? Why women? I'm still not sure of my views on women in ministry and whatnot, but why allow the church to be patriarchal and oppressive throughout its history? Why has the church been used as a force to keep women in their 'proper place,' teaching us that we're intrinsically less valuable, less intelligent, less able to lead? I could keep writing, but then it'd probably never end. I'm going to read Harry Potter instead. She writes excellent female characters.

Vaya con Dios.

The Girl Effect

Right now, I am painting my fingernails. Red, to be specific. I wanted them to be prettier for this weekend. Painting your fingernails and doing it well takes forever, as any girls reading this probably know. There's at least 3 coats of polish involved and the more coats you have, the loner they take to dry and your're supposed to wait for them to dry before you add the next coat. Basically, it takes an hour. Maybe more. An hour in which I cannot push my hair behind my ears, use the bathroom, touch food (because my finger tips have nail polish remover on them which is probably poison) or do much at all. Every time I paint my nails, I fail. I mess up at some point or, like now, I get impatient and start doing something.

I told you all that because I started thinking how ridiculous that is. There is no real benefit to painting my nails. People don't even ever comment and tell me 'hey, nice fingernails.' Wish they would, but fingernails are not all that important, even in my tiny bubble of a life. So now...if you haven't. Watch the video I posted. I am serious. It is fantastically awesome and not even very long. Go watch. I'll wait...


A lot of the time, I get so overwhelmed at the problems going on in the world. People are starving an women are forced into sex slavery and there's war and child soldiers and...so much pain. I'm just one person, what can I even do? I don't have enough money to give to everyone who needs it. I don't always have the wisdom to discern where to give and who to give to. What can anyone really do?

I heard about The Girl Effect at the beginning of this school year. I really like it. It really points out how something simple and overlooked could well be the force that turns all of these things around. People don't have a chance with poverty and government corruption and horrible living conditions holding them back. Not to bash the whole male gender, but men in third world countries tend to be the ones with the money and the power...and the corruption, greed, and lust. Women are more often and more intensely the victims. I think The Girl Effect would or could work because it empowers the victimized. Giving aid and money to the corrupt could help them poor a little, in some version of the 'trickle down' effect, but more likely it just provides houses and cars and planes for the corrupt men in power.

Look up The Girl Effect website. Do something small that has the potential to have a big impact.  http://www.girleffect.org

More blogs about The Girl Effect: wiselivingblog.com/the-girl-effect-blogging-campaign

Vaya con Dios.

Oxidation is fancy talk for rust

This weekend has been so great. I watched Season 6 of The Office on Netflix. All of season 6. I was very busy. But anyways...back further than that. Harry Potter was so fantastic, better than what I've come to expect out of the movies. I  like all the movies, but don't think that they're feats of moviemaking and I always compare to the books too much, so they pale in comparison. But the seventh movie (part 1) is hands down the best of the series. I think it's because it's only the first half of the book. All the things they have to leave out that leave the story or the characters underdeveloped, they got to keep. I'm so excited for the next movie, because it's going to be non stop action. There's a little bit for the beginning and such, but most of it is going to be the Battle and I am so excited. Beyond belief.
I'm also excited for the end of the semester. It's been great, but I always start hating homework and getting so lazy and unmmotivated. I have done so little homework in the past 4 days. I did a little 2-page thing for a class and edited my big ICS paper a little, but that's all. I've also only done 2 of the 13 hours of work I'm supposed to have done by the end of the week. Instead...I watched The Office. And then more of The Office. And it was so fantastic. I've been working on so much the last couple of weeks that I needed the break. And then the fact that I only have 2 days of class, and only 1 class on eac day this week just maes it harder. Charlotte and I are driving home Tuesday night, which reminds me...

My plans for Thanksgiving:
Wednesday: Harry Potter IMAX at 7:30 (Sorry college group...family plans come first.)
Thursday: Eat way way too much food
Friday: wake up unhumanly early, go shopping with my dad, Chris, and Allyson, take a nap, go to Randy's house to hang out with Becky and antagonize Randy (and celebrate that they're engaged now!). Friday is going to be a great day.
Saturday: write my social work term paper (8-10 pages). Blech. If anyone wants to hang out, I am definitely up for it.
Sunday: hang out, be lazy, finish my paper if needed.
Monday: leave to go home! then go to class.

I like going home. I sleep so much better in my bed. PLUS, my house is way warmer than my apartment. The heat in our apartment hasn't been working so my roommates have also been pretty cold. I think it's funny because I don't really notice a huge difference. I'm as cold as I've been all semester long, so I don't really notice a huge difference. Oh, I'm also registered for next semester (almost). I'm going to be taking Intrcultural Communication, Social Work Internship, Flexibility and Core Training, Theology of Mission, and Intro to Ethics. I finished my CE requirements this semester. I'll only have 12 units, which will be good since I have to have an internship. I'm planning on talking to my boss at the cafe to get more hours or work at one of the coffee shops on-campus. That'll be great. Well, my class is starting now, so that's all.

Vaya con Dios!

Looks a lot like a tragedy now

Which best explains the American decision to drop atomic bombs on Japan?
A. To frighten the Russians into (..something...)
B. The desire to end the war quickly and save American lives.
C. The inexperience of a new President
D. A thoughtless decision by a large bureaucracy

What would you answer to this question? It was one of the questions for my online World Civ 2 class test this week. Answering from the information in the book, the correct answer is B. I really wished that there was an 'E,' an option to combine the factors of A, B, and C. The information in the book on this topic is one of the very few places that I would say reveal a strong bias. Maybe it's just because I disagree with the decision or maybe whoever wrote this section was more biased. I won't ever know. And since it is a world history class, discussion of the United States is fairly limited since there's the whole rest of the (mostly Western) world to think about. I remember talking about this more in my US History class in high school and I remember thinking that my teacher didn't quite 'approve' of the US's decision either. The book gives one sentence to explain the American reasoning (to save American lives, which is reasonable), and then a short paragraph to give the dates of the bombing and Japan's refusal to surrender even afterwards.

But I also remember that the United States was asking for an unconditional surrender, that the Japanese are basically totally under US authority. Would we ever accept an unconditional surrender, to submit the governing of our country completely to another nation? No matter that we think the US's government is better somehow and that we may be more democratic and whatever else. But the book makes it sound like Japan was being ridiculous and unreasonable for refusing to give up and even moreso for insisting that they keep their emperor. Especially in Japan, in a culture based on honor and shame and losing face, being forced to surrender unconditionally, being humiliated by the US, who I don't think they ever liked or trusted, is a big thing. The author made me feel like he thought that Japan should just give up, like it's their fault they got bombed. I don't think they chose for the US's brand new President to drop atomic bombs on two cities primarily housing civilians, not military. The atomic bombs, dropped in two successive days, destroyed most of the cities and killed about half each of their residents, not to mention creating leukemia cells in survivors, which killed a lot more people. Maybe because I read Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes  when I was younger, but I empathize more with them than with us.

I know that I'm biased also. I'm pacifistic and idealistic. I know these things. I know that how I think the world should work isn't the way that it does. I have a hard time with the practicality of war and murder. I also know that I'm not very patriotic and think that nationalism is a weird concept. I wouldn't say that I'm proud to be an American. I'm glad sometimes that I am, that I've been blessed to live in a democratic nation where I don't have to worry where my next meal is coming from. I've had a pretty easy life, I admit that, and largely due to living in a suburb in America. But there's more than that in the world. Just like my heart breaks for starving children, for girls and women forced into sex slavery in the US and internationally...reading about the Holocaust and Hiroshima makes me want to cry. This human world is so fallen and so corrupt. I thought about this a lot in Uganda, since I was in a politics class and learning more about politics and such than I had before. The only redemption or salvation for this world is in God. That's really my only hope, the only thread left to cling to when I learn more about the injustice and depravity in the world, whether in Child Protective Services in the US or sex slavery in Cambodia. I don't know how to conclude all my thoughts. God is sovereign. God is faithful. God is good. That's all I've got.

Vaya con Dios.

Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley, Dumbledore!

I seriously, really cannot believe that the first half of the last Harry Potter movie is coming out next week. In 9 days, I will be sitting at a movie theatre and in 9.5 days, it will be over. I'll probably have just as big a crisis for the second one, but...it's...weird. Harry Potter was a huge part of my childhood, in some ways. I remember my teacher reading the book to us in fourth grade. She would read a chapter from a book every day after lunch, but I had PI most days of the week during that time, so I would usually try to find the book after she'd finished and read it myself. I remember most specifically the first chapter of the first book because I was so confused. I could not figure out what in the world was going on and then I had PI for most of the rest of the book. I remember begging my mom to get my the first book in 5th grade so I could do a group book project (ah...remember book reports? I hated those.). She got it for me and then I got the second and third for Christmas that year. I have pictures from that Christmas. My mom made me and Allyson matching dresses and we're all dorky and cute. The fourth book came out that summer and I borrowed it from Kylie to read on a road trip to South Dakota with my family. The 5th book came out when I was 14, the 5th when I was 16, and the 7th when I was 18.

I remember walking to a midnight release party for the 7th book with Kylie. We wanted to see Hairspray and neither of us had cars so my mom dropped us off at the movie theatre for the movie and then we walked to the book store and hung out for a while. It was really hot out and we had to walk a long way. Then after we got our books, we sat outside the store reading them and waited for Charlotte to come pick us up. There was something really exciting about 8 or 10 pages in and when I got to it, I sat and waited for Kylie to get to the same point. We read all night at the house Charlotte was house sitting at and in the morning she made me get up and fish an Easy-Up out of the pool, because it had stormed and gotten blown in. It was way too complicated for my sleepy, Harry Potter-filled mind.

I've heard some college freshmen say that the Toy Story series was written for them; they've been the same age as Andy and graduated high school right before Toy Story 3 came out. Well, Harry Potter was written for me. The books ended right after I graduated high school and the movies will end right after college. Of all the books I have, I've probably read these ones the most. Going to the Harry Potter theme park this summer was beyond awesome. Thinking about the last movie, about the events and moments that have to make it on-screen makes me feel weirdly emotional. By that point, it'll have been 13 years since I first heard the first chapter. I could recount so many other memories, of the books and the going to the midnight movies and...a lot of other things. Harry Potter hasn't been the 'defining force' in my life, but it has been a big part. I will be sad when it's finally, actually over.

Currently, I'm so hoped up and excited for next week that I can barely stand to do homework and waste time watching Potter Puppet Pals and the theatrical trailer on YouTube. or those of you out there who are as excited as I am...it's only 9 days, 3 hours, 44 minutes, and 57, 56, 55 seconds away now!

Vaya con Dios.

You, have knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like I’m nothing

I'm breakable.

That's what I've been thinking about for the past little while today. Earlier, I was in a really great mood. Not sure why, but I was happy and peppy and bouncy. But then I got a reply to an email I'd sent earlier and felt attacked and got defensive and it's like my whole day's gone down. From what? One three or four sentence email that I probably ms interpreted? That's really enough to ruin my whole day? It's enough to make me question myself, to make me doubt my motivations and then my value. It's enough to make me realize that I'm not so far from all the insecurities I like to pretend are gone.

What does being a new creation even mean if I'm still struggling with the same insecurities, the same questions as I was 10 years ago?

I know that I'm not invincible, that I'm not unbeatable but I'm currently feeling very breakable, very fragile. Like a tiny rock that hits a windshield and makes a giant circle of cracks until the whole windshield shatters. I know I won't shatter, but it's hard to...live sometimes. It's hard to keep from pitying myself and drowning in my failures, my sins, all the ways I don't and never will measure up but it's also hard to keep from building the wall around me taller and thinker and stronger. I don't know how to keep the balance, to be vulnerable and open and be okay with emotions but not be overly emotional and driven solely by my feelings. I usually don't know what to do about the cracks in my heart so I just ignore them, live and function as if they're not there. I don't like talking about things that have hurt. I know there's hurt and there's a crack but if I look the other way, maybe no one else will see it either. I can't get out of this cycle alone. It's probably the thing that makes me the most aware that I need Jesus. I know that I can't do it alone, that if I try I'll be weird and emotiona and super clingy and...someone  wouldn't want to be friends with. But if my identity is really rooted in being God's creation, being made in the image of God...that's where my confidence comes from. That's the solid rock I can stand on.

The person who knocks me down, who breaks me and makes me feel like I'm nothing isn't the person who sent the email. It's not any of the people that have wounded me throughout my life, intentionally or unintentionally. satan's the one who does the wounding and the breaking. My issue is with him. The real battle is against him. It's in changing my thinking and my processing of events, or, actually, in God working to change my thinking and processing.

Vaya con Dios.

Wishful thinking, mindless dreaming

So I haven't posted a log in a while and I thought I probably should. I have no idea what I'm going to say, so this will probably ramble on and around a little more than usual. But anyways, life has really been good. Not like super, spectacularly exciting and amazing every second, but good. I like my classes and as much I do not want to write a 25-page paper, the research is really interesting and awesome...and time consuming. Ugh. I'm also in a 'lull' in my semester. All 5 of my classes have final papers, from my giant 25-page one to a couple 8-10 page research papers and whatever in between - it's going to be a lot of papers. So if I'm smart and prepared, I should start writing them now. I should actually be doing that right now, but I don't want to.

I've also been working on my schedule for next semester and that's really strange too. It's my last semester of school, maybe ever. (Hopefully not ever, because I'm pretty set on this social work grad school thing, but whatever). But at least for the next couple of years after this one, I will not be in school. I won't have a summer break. I won't be living my life split in half. I'll be living in one place and that is really exciting. I'm not sure how life is going to be like when I'm not in school, because basically all of memories have been in school, or summer vacation when I haven't had a job or anything. I know I use the word weird a lot, but a lot of things are weird to me. Life is generally weird, not what I expect or would predict, definitely not what I would plan on sometimes.

Oh, something else that's maybe important...I have been obsessed with Taylor Swift lately. I was obsessed with JJ Heller for the past few weeks, so it's a nice change. My roommate bought her new CD last week and I paid her for part of it so I could 'borrow' it. But I've spent way too much time looking up who/what people think her songs are about, because it's really interesting to me at least. But reading about her, Taylor Lautner comes up a lot because one of her songs is about him. And he is still very attractive. I've thought that Rupert Grint, who plays Ron in the Harry Potter movies, is attractive for a long time. I seriously love red hair; I've wanted it since I was 12 and I love it on girls and on guys. And he has nice red hair and a good smile. However, the character of Ron annoys me sometimes. Quite a bit, actually. He is not even close to being my favorite character in that series (his sister, Ginny, is close because she's awesome and also has the red hair). But I like Taylor Lautner even more, because I like Jacob's character. I've said before that if I had the choice, I would choose Jacob over Edward. Not just because Robert Pattinson is gross looking, but because he's also controlling and stupid. I did not think I was going to be talking about Twilight today. I like Taylor Swift better than Twilight; I just got distracted. The Harry Potter tangent I could expect. I'm almost as obsessed with that as I am with Taylor Swift.

As I keep going through school this last year, I'm more confirmed and more...terrified...of doing social work. I love kids and teaching and hanging out with kids comes almost completely naturally. I get along really well with 6-year olds and I love preschoolers. But kids in social work is depressing. Working with teenagers scares me more. I do not naturally have the social skills to talk to them. I usually think I'm weird and awkward and...ugh. But adolescence is also the most 'formative' and important time in someone's life, supposedly. Which actually just is more frightening, thinking that I could 'screw someone up' if I was a social worker with teens. But having the chance to write a 25-page paper on social work with teen girls for my ICS class is amazing. I love it. I love research, so it's pretty awesome. Life is great. I like my classes, my apartment, my friends.

I think I've written enough now. Life is good. I like Taylor Swift. I would be friends with her. I'm even more excited for Harry Potter which is in..15.5 days (!!). I should do my homework now.

Vaya con Dios.

It's funny how things change...and funny how they don't

Things that have not changed:
1. I am awesome
2. Gilmore Girls is hilarious and my favorite show.
3. Jess is cute.

Things that have changed:
1. I do not like cold weather. I used to say I preferred cold weather to hot. That was false. My circulation does not work properly and thus, cold weather is miserable.
2. I want to to work with teenagers. Ever since I was little, I've wanted to work with kids. I'm not always great at communicating with peers and adults, but I can talk to kids. Kids are awesome. They're easy; talking to or playing with kids is one of the things that comes most naturally. I can teach a kindergarten/first grade Sunday school class with no preparation and I do it well. But my...passion, I guess, for the past few months in teen girls. I love them; they are awesome...they are also more complex and more difficult.

Thus semester both of my opportunities for working with young kids (preschool-1st grade) went away or different reasons. However, in my one Intercultural Studies class, I am writing my big capstone paper, basically what my major has been working towards for the past 4 years, on teenage girls. Yep. My one last big ICS thing isn't about culture unless you think teens are aliens from another world, which some do. Anyways, I have to go to class now. My youth ministry class. I just wanted to write really quickly and tell you all how my life has changed, because I think it's funny.

So...thanks Horizons girls, for sucking me in. For making my life plans far different than what I thought they'd be 3 years ago. Thank you Rusty or making me a junior high leader. Thank you lady from the missions fair last year who told me that I should think about social work. Ach...I actually need to leave now

Vaya con Dios!

Ruby Slippers

I love Jonalyn Fincher. I've never really met her, although she did speak at a chapel at Biola last year with her husband. But she is really smart and really good at articulating her thoughts into a really amazing book called Ruby Slippers. It's about women, the soul of women and a lot of other things. Men should read it too because it is..fantastic.
I've been reading it slowly over the past couple weeks and I still have one chapter left, but I'm so distracted by her ideas ad I want other people to know what she says because she talks about a lot of things that I think are important.

I tried to start writing to talk about the book, about what she says. But I was 1 giant paragraph in and had barely started talking about what's important in he first chapter. But the book is seriously seriously awesome. her chapters can be long, but they're all so so good. She's talking about femininity, how it's been used to force women into a specific 'gender role' and used to constrain who we think we 'ought' to be. She talks about what femininity should be, how God designed it and how God designed women to bear His image. As a woman, I bear God's image just as much as a man does. I bear God's image in my soul, in the attributes and characteristics that I share with Him, attributes and characteristics that are different that the attributes and characteristics of men.
She talks about six broad, general traits of being a woman, six things that most women have. They're not things that are necessary to e feminine or to be a woman, but they're general 'family characteristics,' is what I think she calls them. She says that no women is ever ore or less feminine. Whether I'm sitting on my couch in a tank to and basketball shorts (as I am now) or dressed up for prom - I am always a woman and I am always feminine.
The chapter I read today talked about some of the weaknesses of women, things we tend to do. She frames them as our strengths and our attributes gone bad and says that men's weaknesses are often the same thing. She talks about a tendency to be passive aggressive, to send silent, subtle barbs at other women to hurt them. She talks about her own tendency to end over backward to please someone, about women's emotional sensitivity to others and how we need to be needed, and why that's a bad thing. She talked about the tendency of women to not like other women, which is something that always bugs me so much. I always hear from girls that "I just don't like other girls" and I understand what they mean but it's so...awful to perpetuate a 'girl-hating culture.' (Another book I read Reviving Ophelia talked about our girl-hating culture). She talked about our tendency to classify things as feminine or girly and dismiss them, to think that more masculine things are better and cooler and thus to degrade women.
I feel like I could read this book over and over and continue learning from it. I read the first couple chapters last year and loved it, but when I started it over this year, they were just as good. I want other women, other girls, to read this book. I want them to know and understand what she talks about.

I love Ruby Slippers.  You should read it. I will seriously buy it for you. Email me, Facebook message me. It is the best ever.

Vaya con Dios.

You know what, I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.

I love the Office. It is my favorite show, maybe close to rivaling Gilmore Girls in sheer awesomeness. Not quite, but definitely close. A lot of the reason I like it is because of Jim. John Krasinski is definitely not bad looking and the character of Jim is so awesome.

For the Women's Care Ministry I'm a part of this year, we're leading a book study on Captivating. The primary thing the author talks about is the three deep, soul level desires of all women, which are to be romanced, to be an irreplaceable part of a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. I've only read the first chapter so far and I don't remember the rest of what she says, but these things definitely fit me. I think my love of the Office and of Jim relates to these desires. I want to be Pam, to have a guy totally in love with me, who doesn't give up for years, who proposes in a gas station in the middle of pouring rain. Maybe not those exact things...but I love Pam and Jim's story. Jim's super funny and awesome and funny and...I'm not good with adjectives.

In Captivating, Stasi Elderedge talks about a woman's desire to be romanced, to be pursued by a man and to be his priority. She talks about getting flowers and love letters from the guy she ended up marrying and I'm like...that's so cute. I want that too. But at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't talk about wanting this. I'm almost embarrassed to be writing this right now, like it's too personal. There's a song by Bethany Dillon called Beautiful and in it she says that she wants to be beautiful, to make someone to stand in awe, to be amazed by her inner and outer beauty. I posted the lyrics on my MySpace once, a couple years ago and felt almost embarrassed that I agreed with her then. They're...too deep, too close to my heart.

To admit that I want to, I yearn to, be romanced and pursued is...it feels girly and weak and desperate. I can and do live and get along without a man in my life; I'm a whole, complete person by myself. I don't live and wait for the time when there is someone pursuing me...but it's still something I want. It's why I wish Jim was real.

Vaya con Dios.

Bittersweet

I hate my youth ministry class. Hate it hate it hate it. Also, I really love it. The content is awesome, the reading is really interesting, and the professor is great. However...it makes me sad every week after class. I miss my Horizons students so much after talking about ministry and about teenagers for 2 hours. I spent my whole walk back to my apartment tonight trying not to cry. We talked about mentoring today in class, what a mentor is and isn't, how to set-up a mentoring relationship, and other stuff. I wanted to have a youth group to use the stuff I'm learning. I want to be a volunteer with a youth group. Well, actually, I want to be a volunteer with Horizon's youth group. When my professor was talking about how to choose students to mentor, I had a good list of girls in jr high and high school that I'd love to mentor, that I think are 'ready,' that would benefit from it. But it's all focused on personal contact and meeting regularly and...stuff I can't do from 300 miles away. I miss the junior highers. I miss the high schoolers too.
Sometimes I hate even being at Biola. I know it's where I'm supposed to be and I love my friends and I'm learning so much in and out of my classes...but I want to be home. If last semester was my hardest semester (which it definitely was), this is the semester I want to be here the least. I've wanted to be home so much, to be able to talk to students (not kids) and to be a real part of Horizons, not just some random girl who shows up every month or so. I want to build deeper relationships with students and it's harder over email. People forget to reply or just don't reply and continually trying to talk feels like I'm harassing them.
I miss Becky and Tiffany and my sister. I feel like I'm having a little pity party for myself here. I guess I basically am. I wish I could be two people. Or that my life and my heart weren't split in half, between here and there. I wish I wasn't stuck in a place I don't want to be. But...then it's not about me, is it? As selfish as I am and as much as I would love to just quit school and do what I want, I know God wants me here. I know that I'm going to do social work. Missions was always my idea; social work appeared out of the blue when I was looking for a missions-related job. I hope I get to stay in Peoria; I hope I get to be more involved with Horizons when I graduate (which is only 8 months away!). But God's plans aren't the same as mine; my life is going to be different than how I imagine. I'm working on being open to God's will, to seeking that even when I'm depressed and just wanting to be home. If you pray for me, pray for that. If you want me to pray for you, let me know and I will. Every day. I'm not even lying. If you're from Horizons and you read this, I miss you.

Vaya con Dios.

Call it torture, call it university

I'm in a World Civilizations class this semester, covering about 1500 until now-ish. I was not excited to actually have to take the class, but since I'm just taking it online, it's interesting. I read a chapter, take a test, and post my answers to the discussion questions every week. It takes less than 3 hours. Anyways...this week my chapter is about the Enlightenment and Scientific Revolution. I already know quit a bit abut it thanks to AIMS World History and Ms. Calvano, but it's kind of weird now. I can't think of a better adjective. But these guys that I learned about in school, Voltaire and Locke and others, hated Christians and Christianity. They believed and trusted solely in science and things that were 'rational' and could be proven. They also, interestingly, thought that the existence of God could be 'empirically deduced by the contemplation of nature.' They didn't believe in divine revelation, but deists believed that there was a God who created the world and that we have life after death, to be rewarded or punished based on our deeds while on earth. In some ways it's odd that these men have affected a lot of how we understand the world, the freedoms we have now in the United States, but they were very opposed to the church as a whole. Or Freud, who was horribly sexist and crazy, but I still have to study and learn things that he taught. I don't like Freud.
In some ways, I can see why though. The church in the Middle Ages wasn't really known for their toleration or compassion. England couldn't decided whether it hated the Protestants or Catholics and alternately killed both, Spain had the Inquisition, and torture was pretty well accepted for 'heretics.' The Catholic church accepting indulgences and the persecution and silencing of former scientists (i.e. Copernicus and Galileo) probably didn't help matters either. It's like the beginning of the idea that science and religion can't agree; they're almost always seen as opposing and enemies, like the ideas taught by the church are so ridiculous and unable to measure. In some ways, yeah, they are. The fact that God became a human being, that one God is also 3 people, that forever exists or that heaven and hell are real places...it's more than I can understand and more than science can explain. There's more to life than matter and energy, more than can fit into the bow of things that are scientifically explainable. My theology professor last year attended a state college and he was talking about his biology class. The professor as talking about the human body and the heart and the fact that scientists don't know what makes the heart start beating...it just does. It's like science acknowledges that there are things unexplainable through scientific processes, but pretends there aren't.
I could go on about science and religion, but my point was just that so much of our cultural understanding and the importance of science came from these men who would think that I'm ignorant and an idiot and intolerant and...a religious fanatic. I love learning, so I just thought it was intriguing, especially studying this at a Christian university.

Vaya con Dios.

You're alone and you're scared, but the banquet's all prepared

My life is not my own.

That's what I've been learning this past weekend especially. I went home and realized how much I missed Arizona weather. It seems crazy, because I've spent the past 21 years complaining about the heat, and wanting to go out of Arizona for college and maybe wanting to leave for after college, but I was glad to be home and appreciated the consistency in weather. As much as I don't always like the heat, it's nice to know that when I wake up it will be really hot and in the afternoon it will be really hot and at 11 pm it will be really hot. California weather is so temperamental and up and down and cloudy in the morning, but sweltering by 10:30, when I get off of work. Ugh.

But...back to learning. Through Stuff Christians Like and Troy talking at church this past weekend, I'm learning (or trying to) that my life and what I do with it isn't about my comfort zone, my preferences, and what I think I'd be best at. I'm not saying that God doesn't use the skills and passions He's given me in using me as a part of His plan, but my primary concern is and should be His plan, what He's doing, and were He's leading. The limited place where I'm comfortable is not the top of His list I don't think, because He can gift me to do anything or use me and work through me when and where I'm not gifted.

Another reason I'm really glad I went home this past weekend, besides having fun and hanging out with people, is hearing Troy's message at church Sunday morning and a brief one at youth worship night Sunday night. They were both awesome. He talked about being contagious as Christians rather than complacent and compromising. He talked along similar lines on Sunday night and what kept running through my head is that my life is not mine to dictate and control. It's not up to me to decide.

As a result of this idea and Troy's message this weekend, I signed up for a couple different ministries at Biola, at least to learn more. I did not sign up for the ministries involved in working with kids, even though that is always my first inclination. Working with kids is, to me, easiest. I'm comfortable teaching Sunday School to K-1st graders and working with preschoolers far more than being a camp counselor for junior high and high school students. For a long time, I've thought that God's plan for me is to work with kids as a career and as a service to Him. But especially in the past couple of years, working with Horizons students and praying with high school girls where I know that those were not my words coming out...maybe my love of kids and my ease and comfort in teaching and working with them doesn't equal God's plan for my future. Maybe God wants to stretch me more.

So at the ministry fair, I avoided the booths for child-related ministries and specifically signed up at 2 booths way outside my comfort zone, Women's Care in the social justice ministry and Brown Bag, which is ministry and friendship with the homeless. Both of these terrify me. I went to an info meeting for Women's Care tonight and they were talking with working with a home for women, 17 and over, teaching life skills classes and hosting book studies and writing letters to women in prison and I was like...um...I don't know how to do that. I am not quipped; maybe this isn't for me. Staying and listening though, I wanted to do it. Working with kids is easy and comfortable, but life isn't supposed to be easy and comfortable. I want to grow and learn and step outside the small arena that I feel totally comfortable in.

God's prepared the way before me; He's already present and working in whatever situation I find myself in, whether it's a castle with talking clocks or teaching life skills and discussing books with victims of sex trafficking. God is awesome.

I don't think Troy reads this, but if you do...thanks.

Vaya con Dios.

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights and cups of coffee

I think blogging is like some sort of addiction. Once I start, I keep thinking of amazingly brilliant things to tell everyone. Or maybe I just like the feeling on my thoughts being in a computer and not all crammed in my head. I read in a book last week that journaling for a few minutes before you go to bed will help you sleep better. I have no doubt that it will, but I always just want to go to sleep so my thoughts are all stuck in my brain.
I just finished reading a Jodi Picoult book. She likes to write books about controversial things. They usually flash back and forth so you don't even really know what's going until a ways into it and she uses a lot of different people's points of view so it's even more confusing. There's also usually a court case of some sort and s dramatic revelation at the eleventh hour. I like her books; they're entertaining and easy to read. They're usually a good escape from having to think too much. But I did not like the one I just finished. I was really depressed after it. It was a story about a guy who was accused of raping a student at the school he used to teach at. After 8 months in jail, he moved somewhere new, started dating a girl, and then a girl in the new town accuses him of rape. Addie, the girl he starts dating, had been raped at the end of high school by 3 guys, 2 of whom still live in her small town. The accused rapist/teacher, Jack, stood by in college when his friends from the soccer team regularly gang raped girls. Since he was often the top scorer, he got to go first and just pretended the rest didn't happen. Then, very dramatically (to completely ruin the ending), after Jack wins the case, the author reveals that Gillian, the accuser, is regularly sexually abused by her dad, who also by the way was the leader of the group that raped Addie back in high school, along with the police chief. After I finished the last page, I wanted to cry.
I've joked before that authors have higher expectations or opinions of people that movie producers. Books are way more likely to end unhappily and the endings get changed when they're made into movies, like in Dear John and My Sister's Keeper. But sometimes, I just like happy endings. It's probably part of the reason I like Harry Potter so much. I always knew the ending was going to be basically happy, that Voldemort would die and all would be well. The books and authors I've been finding and reading more lately do not seem to like happy endings very much. I know that life isn't made up of happy endings and I don't like cheesiness, but I read to have a break from normal life. I think it's silly that a lot of Christian authors don't seem to think that Christians can live past the pioneer era, but I like those books. There's twists and conflict, but you know it's all going to be okay. You know it's not going to just end after a court trial with a father making out with his daughter.
I've been thinking about racism more too, because I'm in a Peoples of Ethnic America class, so we've been talking and reading about it. Sometimes I think that I like to pretend that racism doesn't really exist. That it's exaggerated and people are just lazy and...whatever else. We were talking about 'white privilege' in class today, about the idea or reality that white people have an advantage over people of other races, that merely by being white we don't suffer as much and aren't discriminated against. The author of the essay was female so she also talked about male privilege, that generally guys are privileged and have an advantage, just because they're male. They don't have to worry about the same sexism-related issues or wonder if the reason that someone talks like you're an idiot or doesn't acknowledge your contribution to a Bible discussion is because you're female. My opinions on women and our role must be selfishly rooted and emotionally driven. Why is t that even I am more impressed by a male writer who's more egalitarian than I am by a woman?
Life is too complicated. I wish I was at Hogwarts.

Vaya con Dios.