Trusting God

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.

Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.

Psalm 31:7-9



But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.

Isaiah 43:1-2



Dependency is such a negative quality in American culture, especially in women I think. We're taught to be so self-sufficient, that we don't need to rely on other people to meet our needs. It's not attractive or okay really to admit that you need someone or something, that I can't stand by myself. I'm learning, in a not-so-pleasant way to be dependent, to rely on God. I have no idea where my future's heading, what it will look like, what I'm going to do. It's easier to believe that I can rely on myself when I can see my future, when I'm content and comfortable in my life now, when...I don't know. I wish I didn't have to learn dependence and obedience the hard way. I wish it came naturally, that it was easy and I didn't have to learn by experience. But God's will is better than mine, right? His ways, His thoughts are higher than mine. It's a slow, painful process of learning, but I know the lesson is worth learning. I have to believe that it is, that God is faithful and trustworthy. I have to believe that He has a plan and knows more than I do or...I don't know how I'd be. Well I guess if I wasn't listening to Him and trusting Him, I wouldn't be here now in this situation. I've heard before that it's easier to trust God in brokenness and in want. Painful times are often good growing periods for a lot of people and as much as I wish I grew without the pain, I'm hoping it's a good refining process.

A year from Kampala and digestive biscuits...

Uganda doesn't feel a year away. It doesn't feel like it's been a year since I walked in the red dirt across campus, learned how delicious Fanta Passion is, or was given a Lugandan name. In a lot of ways I feel like I've just assimilated back into American life too quickly, too easily. When people ask about Uganda, I never have any idea what to say. I don't know how to articulate what I learned, how much it changed me or how much more I wish it had changed me. I don't know how to change how I act, how to let the things I learned actually affect how I think and what I do. I mean, there's the fun stories about rafting/thinking I could die or the safari and being feet away fro a hippo in the campsite. But I don't know how to describe the little things, like adjusting to food and finding food that I miss so much here, to not really thinking that my host families were poor and needed a better way of life. Going to Uganda changed my view on missions, made me understand it a little less. There were mission teams that went from Biola to Uganda and Kenya and I just wanted to ask them why, to ask what they were going to do. What do we have to offer Uganda? But I still want to go, still want to do something, somewhere that matters. I'm just less sure of what that is.
My dorm room is covered with memories of Uganda, with fabric-like pictures to pictures I took and other miscellaneous decorations. The shirt I'm wearing today is one I bought there. But seeing these things doesn't change me. I made a list at the end of last semester and I wish I could read it. I want to see all of the things I was so determined to do. So many things seem superficial and wasteful, but I tend to just ignore it, to push it aside.
I miss Uganda. I don't think I'll ever be back, but I miss the experience, the people. Sometimes I want to say Ugandan things to people but they wouldn't understand. I want to tell people they look smart or...other common Ugandan phrases or sentences that took me a little while to understand before. I want people to ask me more about my semester. I...I don't know what else. I want to see how this has changed me.