I am passive-aggressive. I've probably known this for a while but didn't have the specific word or definition to apply until last semester. In my small group communication class, a group did a presentation on conflict management styles: assertive, passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive. They said that passive-aggressive is the least healthy. I was like, 'hey...it's not the worst thing I could be.' In another class we were taking about conflict and how we respond to it, as a part of a whole personality test deal. Basically, my personality type will withdraw or give in when faced with conflict. In that class, she also gave us a list of responses to conflict, like attacking the other person, freezing them out, etc. The one that resonated the most with me was called something like 'Vengeance is Mine.' Basically, it means that I try to subtly 'punish' someone when I'm mad at them. The silent treatment is sometimes too obvious, so I still talk to and acknowledge someone I'm mad at, just in the least enthusiastic manner possible. They have really exciting news, I will reply with a 'that's great' and go back to what I was doing. I'm texting someone I'm upset with, they get short, curt answers with a period at the end. One word with a period...that is definitely the best way to communicate hurt feelings. Yes, I am so intelligent.
The thing is...I usually know I'm doing it too. It is a conscious decision to not be excited, to give curt answers over text or in person. Sometimes it's just if I've been hurt by someone and don't want to be again so I try to keep from investing in them, but sometimes I'm just mad and don't know how to handle conflict. Even when I'm being ridiculous, my head is yelling at me that I'm being stupid and I should apologize for being manipulative and we should talk about what's bothering me because it's obviously important. But the more scared part of me is usually more influential and it keeps me from saying anything. And even when I do realize my instincts and cut them off, I still don't say anything about whatever's bothering me. I just ignore it, pretend there's no problem, pretend I'm not still mad after 9. Nope, I'm doing just fine. My life is great, just busy with homework. It's so easy to hide everything and just say I'm doing good, my life is good, everything is good.
Communicating and conflict are not my greatest skills. Confronting someone involves mental planning, of what I'm going to say so that it comes out right and analyzing whether this really is important enough to say something and what the possible consequences. But then actually talking to someone and they immediately get defensive and I feel attacked and I am done with that conversation. I give in, you win, I am not talking about this any more. You keep thinking everything's fine and I'll just hold onto this bitterness that only comes out when I'm lonely. It's like my other post, satan knows what to use to get me. He knows my insecurities and fears as well as I do and he uses them against me in the worst way.
No matter how much better I like to think I'm doing, it's still the same old things over and over. I tell myself positive things, I try to handle things...but it's like it never really sinks in and I never really believe it. My head knows that I'm probably not always annoying, that I'm not ugly, that people do want to be friends with me...but the same messages keep coming back and hitting me in the face and they're impossible to get rid of. I know in my head that I've grown and changed a lot, especially in the past year, but then why do I still struggle with the exact same issues? Like the Relient K song, I struggle with forward motion. I struggle with really moving on, with being transformed, with relying on God and His strength. Ugh. Life just gets more complicated. I wish it didn't. I wish that one day I would have everything figured out, that I'd be at peace with who God made me to be, with how I look and act and think. I wish satan didn't have such a hold on me, that he didn't keep me so paralyzed with my own fears and insecurities. I wish that life would work how I wanted it to. That would definitely be awesome.
Vaya con Dios.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
When every girl can see her beauty, we will be an army.
You may know that I'm in an Anthropology of Gender class this semester. I don't remember if I've written anything about it yet or not. Anyways, today I started reading our last book for the semester, called The Beauty Myth. It talks about how American society keeps women obsessed with their looks to keep them powerless...at least that's what I understand it to say. There are a lot of good things in it...a lot of really true things. It talks about work - that women, historically and statistically, work twice as hard as men. In a lot of tribal societies, women do 4/5 of the work. Here and now, women are often better and harder workers too. We also tend to have longer work weeks and more than half of married, working women are still fully responsible for any and all household chores and whatnot. Another chapter was talking about women's magazines and that it's advertisers that control what goes in them. Magazines are dependent on the revenue from ads so writing about how we don't need to diet, how we don't need to dye out gray hair or use make-up to hide everything we think is imperfect isn't going to happen. The advertisers marketing these products need women to be dependent on them. Thy need us to think that we need make-up, that we need unhealthy crash diets, and that we need to stay looking young at all costs.
Earlier today, the book was making me really angry. But now...I just feel completely and utterly powerless. A lot of gender related things are really deep rooted in our culture. So although someone may say they're not sexist, they probably are. I get upset sometimes at people tone of voice, nuances and implications in what they say, and throwaway comments, like" oh, that's just how boys are," because they reveal our true, deep cultural beliefs about men and women. The book was talking about something that we just can't quite put our finger on, it's too deep beneath the surface and influences so subtly that we don't really see it. Maybe I'm just depressed now because I'm tired. That's definitely a factor...but something this deeply rooted and this destructive feels like it can't be changed. Or change is too slow to help the junior high and high school girls that I know now. Girls I know who believe that they're ugly and that if they have sex with a boy then he'll love her, girls who have had had eating disorders, girls who say that they can't stand to hang around with other girls...so many things, so many problems.
I...don't have any solutions, any ideas. I know I should say something about how God is always working and God is sovereign, but I don't feel like He is. hy have women and the oppression of women seemed to be on His 'back burner' for all of human history? How is David a 'man after God's own heart' when he had multiple wives and stole another man's wife? How is Solomon the wisest man ever when he had multiple hundreds of concubines? The book Captivating talks about satan having a 'special hatred' for women, for targeting women specifically throughout history. But why, God? Why women? I'm still not sure of my views on women in ministry and whatnot, but why allow the church to be patriarchal and oppressive throughout its history? Why has the church been used as a force to keep women in their 'proper place,' teaching us that we're intrinsically less valuable, less intelligent, less able to lead? I could keep writing, but then it'd probably never end. I'm going to read Harry Potter instead. She writes excellent female characters.
Vaya con Dios.
Earlier today, the book was making me really angry. But now...I just feel completely and utterly powerless. A lot of gender related things are really deep rooted in our culture. So although someone may say they're not sexist, they probably are. I get upset sometimes at people tone of voice, nuances and implications in what they say, and throwaway comments, like" oh, that's just how boys are," because they reveal our true, deep cultural beliefs about men and women. The book was talking about something that we just can't quite put our finger on, it's too deep beneath the surface and influences so subtly that we don't really see it. Maybe I'm just depressed now because I'm tired. That's definitely a factor...but something this deeply rooted and this destructive feels like it can't be changed. Or change is too slow to help the junior high and high school girls that I know now. Girls I know who believe that they're ugly and that if they have sex with a boy then he'll love her, girls who have had had eating disorders, girls who say that they can't stand to hang around with other girls...so many things, so many problems.
I...don't have any solutions, any ideas. I know I should say something about how God is always working and God is sovereign, but I don't feel like He is. hy have women and the oppression of women seemed to be on His 'back burner' for all of human history? How is David a 'man after God's own heart' when he had multiple wives and stole another man's wife? How is Solomon the wisest man ever when he had multiple hundreds of concubines? The book Captivating talks about satan having a 'special hatred' for women, for targeting women specifically throughout history. But why, God? Why women? I'm still not sure of my views on women in ministry and whatnot, but why allow the church to be patriarchal and oppressive throughout its history? Why has the church been used as a force to keep women in their 'proper place,' teaching us that we're intrinsically less valuable, less intelligent, less able to lead? I could keep writing, but then it'd probably never end. I'm going to read Harry Potter instead. She writes excellent female characters.
Vaya con Dios.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The Girl Effect
Right now, I am painting my fingernails. Red, to be specific. I wanted them to be prettier for this weekend. Painting your fingernails and doing it well takes forever, as any girls reading this probably know. There's at least 3 coats of polish involved and the more coats you have, the loner they take to dry and your're supposed to wait for them to dry before you add the next coat. Basically, it takes an hour. Maybe more. An hour in which I cannot push my hair behind my ears, use the bathroom, touch food (because my finger tips have nail polish remover on them which is probably poison) or do much at all. Every time I paint my nails, I fail. I mess up at some point or, like now, I get impatient and start doing something.
I told you all that because I started thinking how ridiculous that is. There is no real benefit to painting my nails. People don't even ever comment and tell me 'hey, nice fingernails.' Wish they would, but fingernails are not all that important, even in my tiny bubble of a life. So now...if you haven't. Watch the video I posted. I am serious. It is fantastically awesome and not even very long. Go watch. I'll wait...
A lot of the time, I get so overwhelmed at the problems going on in the world. People are starving an women are forced into sex slavery and there's war and child soldiers and...so much pain. I'm just one person, what can I even do? I don't have enough money to give to everyone who needs it. I don't always have the wisdom to discern where to give and who to give to. What can anyone really do?
I heard about The Girl Effect at the beginning of this school year. I really like it. It really points out how something simple and overlooked could well be the force that turns all of these things around. People don't have a chance with poverty and government corruption and horrible living conditions holding them back. Not to bash the whole male gender, but men in third world countries tend to be the ones with the money and the power...and the corruption, greed, and lust. Women are more often and more intensely the victims. I think The Girl Effect would or could work because it empowers the victimized. Giving aid and money to the corrupt could help them poor a little, in some version of the 'trickle down' effect, but more likely it just provides houses and cars and planes for the corrupt men in power.
Look up The Girl Effect website. Do something small that has the potential to have a big impact. http://www.girleffect.org
More blogs about The Girl Effect: wiselivingblog.com/the-girl-effect-blogging-campaign
More blogs about The Girl Effect: wiselivingblog.com/the-girl-effect-blogging-campaign
Vaya con Dios.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Oxidation is fancy talk for rust
This weekend has been so great. I watched Season 6 of The Office on Netflix. All of season 6. I was very busy. But anyways...back further than that. Harry Potter was so fantastic, better than what I've come to expect out of the movies. I like all the movies, but don't think that they're feats of moviemaking and I always compare to the books too much, so they pale in comparison. But the seventh movie (part 1) is hands down the best of the series. I think it's because it's only the first half of the book. All the things they have to leave out that leave the story or the characters underdeveloped, they got to keep. I'm so excited for the next movie, because it's going to be non stop action. There's a little bit for the beginning and such, but most of it is going to be the Battle and I am so excited. Beyond belief.
I'm also excited for the end of the semester. It's been great, but I always start hating homework and getting so lazy and unmmotivated. I have done so little homework in the past 4 days. I did a little 2-page thing for a class and edited my big ICS paper a little, but that's all. I've also only done 2 of the 13 hours of work I'm supposed to have done by the end of the week. Instead...I watched The Office. And then more of The Office. And it was so fantastic. I've been working on so much the last couple of weeks that I needed the break. And then the fact that I only have 2 days of class, and only 1 class on eac day this week just maes it harder. Charlotte and I are driving home Tuesday night, which reminds me...
My plans for Thanksgiving:
Wednesday: Harry Potter IMAX at 7:30 (Sorry college group...family plans come first.)
Thursday: Eat way way too much food
Friday: wake up unhumanly early, go shopping with my dad, Chris, and Allyson, take a nap, go to Randy's house to hang out with Becky and antagonize Randy (and celebrate that they're engaged now!). Friday is going to be a great day.
Saturday: write my social work term paper (8-10 pages). Blech. If anyone wants to hang out, I am definitely up for it.
Sunday: hang out, be lazy, finish my paper if needed.
Monday: leave to go home! then go to class.
I like going home. I sleep so much better in my bed. PLUS, my house is way warmer than my apartment. The heat in our apartment hasn't been working so my roommates have also been pretty cold. I think it's funny because I don't really notice a huge difference. I'm as cold as I've been all semester long, so I don't really notice a huge difference. Oh, I'm also registered for next semester (almost). I'm going to be taking Intrcultural Communication, Social Work Internship, Flexibility and Core Training, Theology of Mission, and Intro to Ethics. I finished my CE requirements this semester. I'll only have 12 units, which will be good since I have to have an internship. I'm planning on talking to my boss at the cafe to get more hours or work at one of the coffee shops on-campus. That'll be great. Well, my class is starting now, so that's all.
Vaya con Dios!
I'm also excited for the end of the semester. It's been great, but I always start hating homework and getting so lazy and unmmotivated. I have done so little homework in the past 4 days. I did a little 2-page thing for a class and edited my big ICS paper a little, but that's all. I've also only done 2 of the 13 hours of work I'm supposed to have done by the end of the week. Instead...I watched The Office. And then more of The Office. And it was so fantastic. I've been working on so much the last couple of weeks that I needed the break. And then the fact that I only have 2 days of class, and only 1 class on eac day this week just maes it harder. Charlotte and I are driving home Tuesday night, which reminds me...
My plans for Thanksgiving:
Wednesday: Harry Potter IMAX at 7:30 (Sorry college group...family plans come first.)
Thursday: Eat way way too much food
Friday: wake up unhumanly early, go shopping with my dad, Chris, and Allyson, take a nap, go to Randy's house to hang out with Becky and antagonize Randy (and celebrate that they're engaged now!). Friday is going to be a great day.
Saturday: write my social work term paper (8-10 pages). Blech. If anyone wants to hang out, I am definitely up for it.
Sunday: hang out, be lazy, finish my paper if needed.
Monday: leave to go home! then go to class.
I like going home. I sleep so much better in my bed. PLUS, my house is way warmer than my apartment. The heat in our apartment hasn't been working so my roommates have also been pretty cold. I think it's funny because I don't really notice a huge difference. I'm as cold as I've been all semester long, so I don't really notice a huge difference. Oh, I'm also registered for next semester (almost). I'm going to be taking Intrcultural Communication, Social Work Internship, Flexibility and Core Training, Theology of Mission, and Intro to Ethics. I finished my CE requirements this semester. I'll only have 12 units, which will be good since I have to have an internship. I'm planning on talking to my boss at the cafe to get more hours or work at one of the coffee shops on-campus. That'll be great. Well, my class is starting now, so that's all.
Vaya con Dios!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Looks a lot like a tragedy now
Which best explains the American decision to drop atomic bombs on Japan?
A. To frighten the Russians into (..something...)
B. The desire to end the war quickly and save American lives.
C. The inexperience of a new President
D. A thoughtless decision by a large bureaucracy
What would you answer to this question? It was one of the questions for my online World Civ 2 class test this week. Answering from the information in the book, the correct answer is B. I really wished that there was an 'E,' an option to combine the factors of A, B, and C. The information in the book on this topic is one of the very few places that I would say reveal a strong bias. Maybe it's just because I disagree with the decision or maybe whoever wrote this section was more biased. I won't ever know. And since it is a world history class, discussion of the United States is fairly limited since there's the whole rest of the (mostly Western) world to think about. I remember talking about this more in my US History class in high school and I remember thinking that my teacher didn't quite 'approve' of the US's decision either. The book gives one sentence to explain the American reasoning (to save American lives, which is reasonable), and then a short paragraph to give the dates of the bombing and Japan's refusal to surrender even afterwards.
But I also remember that the United States was asking for an unconditional surrender, that the Japanese are basically totally under US authority. Would we ever accept an unconditional surrender, to submit the governing of our country completely to another nation? No matter that we think the US's government is better somehow and that we may be more democratic and whatever else. But the book makes it sound like Japan was being ridiculous and unreasonable for refusing to give up and even moreso for insisting that they keep their emperor. Especially in Japan, in a culture based on honor and shame and losing face, being forced to surrender unconditionally, being humiliated by the US, who I don't think they ever liked or trusted, is a big thing. The author made me feel like he thought that Japan should just give up, like it's their fault they got bombed. I don't think they chose for the US's brand new President to drop atomic bombs on two cities primarily housing civilians, not military. The atomic bombs, dropped in two successive days, destroyed most of the cities and killed about half each of their residents, not to mention creating leukemia cells in survivors, which killed a lot more people. Maybe because I read Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes when I was younger, but I empathize more with them than with us.
I know that I'm biased also. I'm pacifistic and idealistic. I know these things. I know that how I think the world should work isn't the way that it does. I have a hard time with the practicality of war and murder. I also know that I'm not very patriotic and think that nationalism is a weird concept. I wouldn't say that I'm proud to be an American. I'm glad sometimes that I am, that I've been blessed to live in a democratic nation where I don't have to worry where my next meal is coming from. I've had a pretty easy life, I admit that, and largely due to living in a suburb in America. But there's more than that in the world. Just like my heart breaks for starving children, for girls and women forced into sex slavery in the US and internationally...reading about the Holocaust and Hiroshima makes me want to cry. This human world is so fallen and so corrupt. I thought about this a lot in Uganda, since I was in a politics class and learning more about politics and such than I had before. The only redemption or salvation for this world is in God. That's really my only hope, the only thread left to cling to when I learn more about the injustice and depravity in the world, whether in Child Protective Services in the US or sex slavery in Cambodia. I don't know how to conclude all my thoughts. God is sovereign. God is faithful. God is good. That's all I've got.
Vaya con Dios.
A. To frighten the Russians into (..something...)
B. The desire to end the war quickly and save American lives.
C. The inexperience of a new President
D. A thoughtless decision by a large bureaucracy
What would you answer to this question? It was one of the questions for my online World Civ 2 class test this week. Answering from the information in the book, the correct answer is B. I really wished that there was an 'E,' an option to combine the factors of A, B, and C. The information in the book on this topic is one of the very few places that I would say reveal a strong bias. Maybe it's just because I disagree with the decision or maybe whoever wrote this section was more biased. I won't ever know. And since it is a world history class, discussion of the United States is fairly limited since there's the whole rest of the (mostly Western) world to think about. I remember talking about this more in my US History class in high school and I remember thinking that my teacher didn't quite 'approve' of the US's decision either. The book gives one sentence to explain the American reasoning (to save American lives, which is reasonable), and then a short paragraph to give the dates of the bombing and Japan's refusal to surrender even afterwards.
But I also remember that the United States was asking for an unconditional surrender, that the Japanese are basically totally under US authority. Would we ever accept an unconditional surrender, to submit the governing of our country completely to another nation? No matter that we think the US's government is better somehow and that we may be more democratic and whatever else. But the book makes it sound like Japan was being ridiculous and unreasonable for refusing to give up and even moreso for insisting that they keep their emperor. Especially in Japan, in a culture based on honor and shame and losing face, being forced to surrender unconditionally, being humiliated by the US, who I don't think they ever liked or trusted, is a big thing. The author made me feel like he thought that Japan should just give up, like it's their fault they got bombed. I don't think they chose for the US's brand new President to drop atomic bombs on two cities primarily housing civilians, not military. The atomic bombs, dropped in two successive days, destroyed most of the cities and killed about half each of their residents, not to mention creating leukemia cells in survivors, which killed a lot more people. Maybe because I read Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes when I was younger, but I empathize more with them than with us.
I know that I'm biased also. I'm pacifistic and idealistic. I know these things. I know that how I think the world should work isn't the way that it does. I have a hard time with the practicality of war and murder. I also know that I'm not very patriotic and think that nationalism is a weird concept. I wouldn't say that I'm proud to be an American. I'm glad sometimes that I am, that I've been blessed to live in a democratic nation where I don't have to worry where my next meal is coming from. I've had a pretty easy life, I admit that, and largely due to living in a suburb in America. But there's more than that in the world. Just like my heart breaks for starving children, for girls and women forced into sex slavery in the US and internationally...reading about the Holocaust and Hiroshima makes me want to cry. This human world is so fallen and so corrupt. I thought about this a lot in Uganda, since I was in a politics class and learning more about politics and such than I had before. The only redemption or salvation for this world is in God. That's really my only hope, the only thread left to cling to when I learn more about the injustice and depravity in the world, whether in Child Protective Services in the US or sex slavery in Cambodia. I don't know how to conclude all my thoughts. God is sovereign. God is faithful. God is good. That's all I've got.
Vaya con Dios.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley, Dumbledore!
I seriously, really cannot believe that the first half of the last Harry Potter movie is coming out next week. In 9 days, I will be sitting at a movie theatre and in 9.5 days, it will be over. I'll probably have just as big a crisis for the second one, but...it's...weird. Harry Potter was a huge part of my childhood, in some ways. I remember my teacher reading the book to us in fourth grade. She would read a chapter from a book every day after lunch, but I had PI most days of the week during that time, so I would usually try to find the book after she'd finished and read it myself. I remember most specifically the first chapter of the first book because I was so confused. I could not figure out what in the world was going on and then I had PI for most of the rest of the book. I remember begging my mom to get my the first book in 5th grade so I could do a group book project (ah...remember book reports? I hated those.). She got it for me and then I got the second and third for Christmas that year. I have pictures from that Christmas. My mom made me and Allyson matching dresses and we're all dorky and cute. The fourth book came out that summer and I borrowed it from Kylie to read on a road trip to South Dakota with my family. The 5th book came out when I was 14, the 5th when I was 16, and the 7th when I was 18.
I remember walking to a midnight release party for the 7th book with Kylie. We wanted to see Hairspray and neither of us had cars so my mom dropped us off at the movie theatre for the movie and then we walked to the book store and hung out for a while. It was really hot out and we had to walk a long way. Then after we got our books, we sat outside the store reading them and waited for Charlotte to come pick us up. There was something really exciting about 8 or 10 pages in and when I got to it, I sat and waited for Kylie to get to the same point. We read all night at the house Charlotte was house sitting at and in the morning she made me get up and fish an Easy-Up out of the pool, because it had stormed and gotten blown in. It was way too complicated for my sleepy, Harry Potter-filled mind.
I've heard some college freshmen say that the Toy Story series was written for them; they've been the same age as Andy and graduated high school right before Toy Story 3 came out. Well, Harry Potter was written for me. The books ended right after I graduated high school and the movies will end right after college. Of all the books I have, I've probably read these ones the most. Going to the Harry Potter theme park this summer was beyond awesome. Thinking about the last movie, about the events and moments that have to make it on-screen makes me feel weirdly emotional. By that point, it'll have been 13 years since I first heard the first chapter. I could recount so many other memories, of the books and the going to the midnight movies and...a lot of other things. Harry Potter hasn't been the 'defining force' in my life, but it has been a big part. I will be sad when it's finally, actually over.
Currently, I'm so hoped up and excited for next week that I can barely stand to do homework and waste time watching Potter Puppet Pals and the theatrical trailer on YouTube. or those of you out there who are as excited as I am...it's only 9 days, 3 hours, 44 minutes, and 57, 56, 55 seconds away now!
Vaya con Dios.
I remember walking to a midnight release party for the 7th book with Kylie. We wanted to see Hairspray and neither of us had cars so my mom dropped us off at the movie theatre for the movie and then we walked to the book store and hung out for a while. It was really hot out and we had to walk a long way. Then after we got our books, we sat outside the store reading them and waited for Charlotte to come pick us up. There was something really exciting about 8 or 10 pages in and when I got to it, I sat and waited for Kylie to get to the same point. We read all night at the house Charlotte was house sitting at and in the morning she made me get up and fish an Easy-Up out of the pool, because it had stormed and gotten blown in. It was way too complicated for my sleepy, Harry Potter-filled mind.
I've heard some college freshmen say that the Toy Story series was written for them; they've been the same age as Andy and graduated high school right before Toy Story 3 came out. Well, Harry Potter was written for me. The books ended right after I graduated high school and the movies will end right after college. Of all the books I have, I've probably read these ones the most. Going to the Harry Potter theme park this summer was beyond awesome. Thinking about the last movie, about the events and moments that have to make it on-screen makes me feel weirdly emotional. By that point, it'll have been 13 years since I first heard the first chapter. I could recount so many other memories, of the books and the going to the midnight movies and...a lot of other things. Harry Potter hasn't been the 'defining force' in my life, but it has been a big part. I will be sad when it's finally, actually over.
Currently, I'm so hoped up and excited for next week that I can barely stand to do homework and waste time watching Potter Puppet Pals and the theatrical trailer on YouTube. or those of you out there who are as excited as I am...it's only 9 days, 3 hours, 44 minutes, and 57, 56, 55 seconds away now!
Vaya con Dios.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
You, have knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like I’m nothing
I'm breakable.
That's what I've been thinking about for the past little while today. Earlier, I was in a really great mood. Not sure why, but I was happy and peppy and bouncy. But then I got a reply to an email I'd sent earlier and felt attacked and got defensive and it's like my whole day's gone down. From what? One three or four sentence email that I probably ms interpreted? That's really enough to ruin my whole day? It's enough to make me question myself, to make me doubt my motivations and then my value. It's enough to make me realize that I'm not so far from all the insecurities I like to pretend are gone.
What does being a new creation even mean if I'm still struggling with the same insecurities, the same questions as I was 10 years ago?
I know that I'm not invincible, that I'm not unbeatable but I'm currently feeling very breakable, very fragile. Like a tiny rock that hits a windshield and makes a giant circle of cracks until the whole windshield shatters. I know I won't shatter, but it's hard to...live sometimes. It's hard to keep from pitying myself and drowning in my failures, my sins, all the ways I don't and never will measure up but it's also hard to keep from building the wall around me taller and thinker and stronger. I don't know how to keep the balance, to be vulnerable and open and be okay with emotions but not be overly emotional and driven solely by my feelings. I usually don't know what to do about the cracks in my heart so I just ignore them, live and function as if they're not there. I don't like talking about things that have hurt. I know there's hurt and there's a crack but if I look the other way, maybe no one else will see it either. I can't get out of this cycle alone. It's probably the thing that makes me the most aware that I need Jesus. I know that I can't do it alone, that if I try I'll be weird and emotiona and super clingy and...someone wouldn't want to be friends with. But if my identity is really rooted in being God's creation, being made in the image of God...that's where my confidence comes from. That's the solid rock I can stand on.
The person who knocks me down, who breaks me and makes me feel like I'm nothing isn't the person who sent the email. It's not any of the people that have wounded me throughout my life, intentionally or unintentionally. satan's the one who does the wounding and the breaking. My issue is with him. The real battle is against him. It's in changing my thinking and my processing of events, or, actually, in God working to change my thinking and processing.
Vaya con Dios.
That's what I've been thinking about for the past little while today. Earlier, I was in a really great mood. Not sure why, but I was happy and peppy and bouncy. But then I got a reply to an email I'd sent earlier and felt attacked and got defensive and it's like my whole day's gone down. From what? One three or four sentence email that I probably ms interpreted? That's really enough to ruin my whole day? It's enough to make me question myself, to make me doubt my motivations and then my value. It's enough to make me realize that I'm not so far from all the insecurities I like to pretend are gone.
What does being a new creation even mean if I'm still struggling with the same insecurities, the same questions as I was 10 years ago?
I know that I'm not invincible, that I'm not unbeatable but I'm currently feeling very breakable, very fragile. Like a tiny rock that hits a windshield and makes a giant circle of cracks until the whole windshield shatters. I know I won't shatter, but it's hard to...live sometimes. It's hard to keep from pitying myself and drowning in my failures, my sins, all the ways I don't and never will measure up but it's also hard to keep from building the wall around me taller and thinker and stronger. I don't know how to keep the balance, to be vulnerable and open and be okay with emotions but not be overly emotional and driven solely by my feelings. I usually don't know what to do about the cracks in my heart so I just ignore them, live and function as if they're not there. I don't like talking about things that have hurt. I know there's hurt and there's a crack but if I look the other way, maybe no one else will see it either. I can't get out of this cycle alone. It's probably the thing that makes me the most aware that I need Jesus. I know that I can't do it alone, that if I try I'll be weird and emotiona and super clingy and...someone wouldn't want to be friends with. But if my identity is really rooted in being God's creation, being made in the image of God...that's where my confidence comes from. That's the solid rock I can stand on.
The person who knocks me down, who breaks me and makes me feel like I'm nothing isn't the person who sent the email. It's not any of the people that have wounded me throughout my life, intentionally or unintentionally. satan's the one who does the wounding and the breaking. My issue is with him. The real battle is against him. It's in changing my thinking and my processing of events, or, actually, in God working to change my thinking and processing.
Vaya con Dios.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wishful thinking, mindless dreaming
So I haven't posted a log in a while and I thought I probably should. I have no idea what I'm going to say, so this will probably ramble on and around a little more than usual. But anyways, life has really been good. Not like super, spectacularly exciting and amazing every second, but good. I like my classes and as much I do not want to write a 25-page paper, the research is really interesting and awesome...and time consuming. Ugh. I'm also in a 'lull' in my semester. All 5 of my classes have final papers, from my giant 25-page one to a couple 8-10 page research papers and whatever in between - it's going to be a lot of papers. So if I'm smart and prepared, I should start writing them now. I should actually be doing that right now, but I don't want to.
I've also been working on my schedule for next semester and that's really strange too. It's my last semester of school, maybe ever. (Hopefully not ever, because I'm pretty set on this social work grad school thing, but whatever). But at least for the next couple of years after this one, I will not be in school. I won't have a summer break. I won't be living my life split in half. I'll be living in one place and that is really exciting. I'm not sure how life is going to be like when I'm not in school, because basically all of memories have been in school, or summer vacation when I haven't had a job or anything. I know I use the word weird a lot, but a lot of things are weird to me. Life is generally weird, not what I expect or would predict, definitely not what I would plan on sometimes.
Oh, something else that's maybe important...I have been obsessed with Taylor Swift lately. I was obsessed with JJ Heller for the past few weeks, so it's a nice change. My roommate bought her new CD last week and I paid her for part of it so I could 'borrow' it. But I've spent way too much time looking up who/what people think her songs are about, because it's really interesting to me at least. But reading about her, Taylor Lautner comes up a lot because one of her songs is about him. And he is still very attractive. I've thought that Rupert Grint, who plays Ron in the Harry Potter movies, is attractive for a long time. I seriously love red hair; I've wanted it since I was 12 and I love it on girls and on guys. And he has nice red hair and a good smile. However, the character of Ron annoys me sometimes. Quite a bit, actually. He is not even close to being my favorite character in that series (his sister, Ginny, is close because she's awesome and also has the red hair). But I like Taylor Lautner even more, because I like Jacob's character. I've said before that if I had the choice, I would choose Jacob over Edward. Not just because Robert Pattinson is gross looking, but because he's also controlling and stupid. I did not think I was going to be talking about Twilight today. I like Taylor Swift better than Twilight; I just got distracted. The Harry Potter tangent I could expect. I'm almost as obsessed with that as I am with Taylor Swift.
As I keep going through school this last year, I'm more confirmed and more...terrified...of doing social work. I love kids and teaching and hanging out with kids comes almost completely naturally. I get along really well with 6-year olds and I love preschoolers. But kids in social work is depressing. Working with teenagers scares me more. I do not naturally have the social skills to talk to them. I usually think I'm weird and awkward and...ugh. But adolescence is also the most 'formative' and important time in someone's life, supposedly. Which actually just is more frightening, thinking that I could 'screw someone up' if I was a social worker with teens. But having the chance to write a 25-page paper on social work with teen girls for my ICS class is amazing. I love it. I love research, so it's pretty awesome. Life is great. I like my classes, my apartment, my friends.
I think I've written enough now. Life is good. I like Taylor Swift. I would be friends with her. I'm even more excited for Harry Potter which is in..15.5 days (!!). I should do my homework now.
Vaya con Dios.
I've also been working on my schedule for next semester and that's really strange too. It's my last semester of school, maybe ever. (Hopefully not ever, because I'm pretty set on this social work grad school thing, but whatever). But at least for the next couple of years after this one, I will not be in school. I won't have a summer break. I won't be living my life split in half. I'll be living in one place and that is really exciting. I'm not sure how life is going to be like when I'm not in school, because basically all of memories have been in school, or summer vacation when I haven't had a job or anything. I know I use the word weird a lot, but a lot of things are weird to me. Life is generally weird, not what I expect or would predict, definitely not what I would plan on sometimes.
Oh, something else that's maybe important...I have been obsessed with Taylor Swift lately. I was obsessed with JJ Heller for the past few weeks, so it's a nice change. My roommate bought her new CD last week and I paid her for part of it so I could 'borrow' it. But I've spent way too much time looking up who/what people think her songs are about, because it's really interesting to me at least. But reading about her, Taylor Lautner comes up a lot because one of her songs is about him. And he is still very attractive. I've thought that Rupert Grint, who plays Ron in the Harry Potter movies, is attractive for a long time. I seriously love red hair; I've wanted it since I was 12 and I love it on girls and on guys. And he has nice red hair and a good smile. However, the character of Ron annoys me sometimes. Quite a bit, actually. He is not even close to being my favorite character in that series (his sister, Ginny, is close because she's awesome and also has the red hair). But I like Taylor Lautner even more, because I like Jacob's character. I've said before that if I had the choice, I would choose Jacob over Edward. Not just because Robert Pattinson is gross looking, but because he's also controlling and stupid. I did not think I was going to be talking about Twilight today. I like Taylor Swift better than Twilight; I just got distracted. The Harry Potter tangent I could expect. I'm almost as obsessed with that as I am with Taylor Swift.
As I keep going through school this last year, I'm more confirmed and more...terrified...of doing social work. I love kids and teaching and hanging out with kids comes almost completely naturally. I get along really well with 6-year olds and I love preschoolers. But kids in social work is depressing. Working with teenagers scares me more. I do not naturally have the social skills to talk to them. I usually think I'm weird and awkward and...ugh. But adolescence is also the most 'formative' and important time in someone's life, supposedly. Which actually just is more frightening, thinking that I could 'screw someone up' if I was a social worker with teens. But having the chance to write a 25-page paper on social work with teen girls for my ICS class is amazing. I love it. I love research, so it's pretty awesome. Life is great. I like my classes, my apartment, my friends.
I think I've written enough now. Life is good. I like Taylor Swift. I would be friends with her. I'm even more excited for Harry Potter which is in..15.5 days (!!). I should do my homework now.
Vaya con Dios.
Monday, October 18, 2010
It's funny how things change...and funny how they don't
Things that have not changed:
1. I am awesome
2. Gilmore Girls is hilarious and my favorite show.
3. Jess is cute.
Things that have changed:
1. I do not like cold weather. I used to say I preferred cold weather to hot. That was false. My circulation does not work properly and thus, cold weather is miserable.
2. I want to to work with teenagers. Ever since I was little, I've wanted to work with kids. I'm not always great at communicating with peers and adults, but I can talk to kids. Kids are awesome. They're easy; talking to or playing with kids is one of the things that comes most naturally. I can teach a kindergarten/first grade Sunday school class with no preparation and I do it well. But my...passion, I guess, for the past few months in teen girls. I love them; they are awesome...they are also more complex and more difficult.
Thus semester both of my opportunities for working with young kids (preschool-1st grade) went away or different reasons. However, in my one Intercultural Studies class, I am writing my big capstone paper, basically what my major has been working towards for the past 4 years, on teenage girls. Yep. My one last big ICS thing isn't about culture unless you think teens are aliens from another world, which some do. Anyways, I have to go to class now. My youth ministry class. I just wanted to write really quickly and tell you all how my life has changed, because I think it's funny.
So...thanks Horizons girls, for sucking me in. For making my life plans far different than what I thought they'd be 3 years ago. Thank you Rusty or making me a junior high leader. Thank you lady from the missions fair last year who told me that I should think about social work. Ach...I actually need to leave now
Vaya con Dios!
1. I am awesome
2. Gilmore Girls is hilarious and my favorite show.
3. Jess is cute.
Things that have changed:
1. I do not like cold weather. I used to say I preferred cold weather to hot. That was false. My circulation does not work properly and thus, cold weather is miserable.
2. I want to to work with teenagers. Ever since I was little, I've wanted to work with kids. I'm not always great at communicating with peers and adults, but I can talk to kids. Kids are awesome. They're easy; talking to or playing with kids is one of the things that comes most naturally. I can teach a kindergarten/first grade Sunday school class with no preparation and I do it well. But my...passion, I guess, for the past few months in teen girls. I love them; they are awesome...they are also more complex and more difficult.
Thus semester both of my opportunities for working with young kids (preschool-1st grade) went away or different reasons. However, in my one Intercultural Studies class, I am writing my big capstone paper, basically what my major has been working towards for the past 4 years, on teenage girls. Yep. My one last big ICS thing isn't about culture unless you think teens are aliens from another world, which some do. Anyways, I have to go to class now. My youth ministry class. I just wanted to write really quickly and tell you all how my life has changed, because I think it's funny.
So...thanks Horizons girls, for sucking me in. For making my life plans far different than what I thought they'd be 3 years ago. Thank you Rusty or making me a junior high leader. Thank you lady from the missions fair last year who told me that I should think about social work. Ach...I actually need to leave now
Vaya con Dios!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Ruby Slippers
I love Jonalyn Fincher. I've never really met her, although she did speak at a chapel at Biola last year with her husband. But she is really smart and really good at articulating her thoughts into a really amazing book called Ruby Slippers. It's about women, the soul of women and a lot of other things. Men should read it too because it is..fantastic.
I've been reading it slowly over the past couple weeks and I still have one chapter left, but I'm so distracted by her ideas ad I want other people to know what she says because she talks about a lot of things that I think are important.
I tried to start writing to talk about the book, about what she says. But I was 1 giant paragraph in and had barely started talking about what's important in he first chapter. But the book is seriously seriously awesome. her chapters can be long, but they're all so so good. She's talking about femininity, how it's been used to force women into a specific 'gender role' and used to constrain who we think we 'ought' to be. She talks about what femininity should be, how God designed it and how God designed women to bear His image. As a woman, I bear God's image just as much as a man does. I bear God's image in my soul, in the attributes and characteristics that I share with Him, attributes and characteristics that are different that the attributes and characteristics of men.
She talks about six broad, general traits of being a woman, six things that most women have. They're not things that are necessary to e feminine or to be a woman, but they're general 'family characteristics,' is what I think she calls them. She says that no women is ever ore or less feminine. Whether I'm sitting on my couch in a tank to and basketball shorts (as I am now) or dressed up for prom - I am always a woman and I am always feminine.
The chapter I read today talked about some of the weaknesses of women, things we tend to do. She frames them as our strengths and our attributes gone bad and says that men's weaknesses are often the same thing. She talks about a tendency to be passive aggressive, to send silent, subtle barbs at other women to hurt them. She talks about her own tendency to end over backward to please someone, about women's emotional sensitivity to others and how we need to be needed, and why that's a bad thing. She talked about the tendency of women to not like other women, which is something that always bugs me so much. I always hear from girls that "I just don't like other girls" and I understand what they mean but it's so...awful to perpetuate a 'girl-hating culture.' (Another book I read Reviving Ophelia talked about our girl-hating culture). She talked about our tendency to classify things as feminine or girly and dismiss them, to think that more masculine things are better and cooler and thus to degrade women.
I feel like I could read this book over and over and continue learning from it. I read the first couple chapters last year and loved it, but when I started it over this year, they were just as good. I want other women, other girls, to read this book. I want them to know and understand what she talks about.
I love Ruby Slippers. You should read it. I will seriously buy it for you. Email me, Facebook message me. It is the best ever.
Vaya con Dios.
I've been reading it slowly over the past couple weeks and I still have one chapter left, but I'm so distracted by her ideas ad I want other people to know what she says because she talks about a lot of things that I think are important.
I tried to start writing to talk about the book, about what she says. But I was 1 giant paragraph in and had barely started talking about what's important in he first chapter. But the book is seriously seriously awesome. her chapters can be long, but they're all so so good. She's talking about femininity, how it's been used to force women into a specific 'gender role' and used to constrain who we think we 'ought' to be. She talks about what femininity should be, how God designed it and how God designed women to bear His image. As a woman, I bear God's image just as much as a man does. I bear God's image in my soul, in the attributes and characteristics that I share with Him, attributes and characteristics that are different that the attributes and characteristics of men.
She talks about six broad, general traits of being a woman, six things that most women have. They're not things that are necessary to e feminine or to be a woman, but they're general 'family characteristics,' is what I think she calls them. She says that no women is ever ore or less feminine. Whether I'm sitting on my couch in a tank to and basketball shorts (as I am now) or dressed up for prom - I am always a woman and I am always feminine.
The chapter I read today talked about some of the weaknesses of women, things we tend to do. She frames them as our strengths and our attributes gone bad and says that men's weaknesses are often the same thing. She talks about a tendency to be passive aggressive, to send silent, subtle barbs at other women to hurt them. She talks about her own tendency to end over backward to please someone, about women's emotional sensitivity to others and how we need to be needed, and why that's a bad thing. She talked about the tendency of women to not like other women, which is something that always bugs me so much. I always hear from girls that "I just don't like other girls" and I understand what they mean but it's so...awful to perpetuate a 'girl-hating culture.' (Another book I read Reviving Ophelia talked about our girl-hating culture). She talked about our tendency to classify things as feminine or girly and dismiss them, to think that more masculine things are better and cooler and thus to degrade women.
I feel like I could read this book over and over and continue learning from it. I read the first couple chapters last year and loved it, but when I started it over this year, they were just as good. I want other women, other girls, to read this book. I want them to know and understand what she talks about.
I love Ruby Slippers. You should read it. I will seriously buy it for you. Email me, Facebook message me. It is the best ever.
Vaya con Dios.
Friday, October 8, 2010
You know what, I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.
I love the Office. It is my favorite show, maybe close to rivaling Gilmore Girls in sheer awesomeness. Not quite, but definitely close. A lot of the reason I like it is because of Jim. John Krasinski is definitely not bad looking and the character of Jim is so awesome.
For the Women's Care Ministry I'm a part of this year, we're leading a book study on Captivating. The primary thing the author talks about is the three deep, soul level desires of all women, which are to be romanced, to be an irreplaceable part of a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. I've only read the first chapter so far and I don't remember the rest of what she says, but these things definitely fit me. I think my love of the Office and of Jim relates to these desires. I want to be Pam, to have a guy totally in love with me, who doesn't give up for years, who proposes in a gas station in the middle of pouring rain. Maybe not those exact things...but I love Pam and Jim's story. Jim's super funny and awesome and funny and...I'm not good with adjectives.
In Captivating, Stasi Elderedge talks about a woman's desire to be romanced, to be pursued by a man and to be his priority. She talks about getting flowers and love letters from the guy she ended up marrying and I'm like...that's so cute. I want that too. But at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't talk about wanting this. I'm almost embarrassed to be writing this right now, like it's too personal. There's a song by Bethany Dillon called Beautiful and in it she says that she wants to be beautiful, to make someone to stand in awe, to be amazed by her inner and outer beauty. I posted the lyrics on my MySpace once, a couple years ago and felt almost embarrassed that I agreed with her then. They're...too deep, too close to my heart.
To admit that I want to, I yearn to, be romanced and pursued is...it feels girly and weak and desperate. I can and do live and get along without a man in my life; I'm a whole, complete person by myself. I don't live and wait for the time when there is someone pursuing me...but it's still something I want. It's why I wish Jim was real.
Vaya con Dios.
For the Women's Care Ministry I'm a part of this year, we're leading a book study on Captivating. The primary thing the author talks about is the three deep, soul level desires of all women, which are to be romanced, to be an irreplaceable part of a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. I've only read the first chapter so far and I don't remember the rest of what she says, but these things definitely fit me. I think my love of the Office and of Jim relates to these desires. I want to be Pam, to have a guy totally in love with me, who doesn't give up for years, who proposes in a gas station in the middle of pouring rain. Maybe not those exact things...but I love Pam and Jim's story. Jim's super funny and awesome and funny and...I'm not good with adjectives.
In Captivating, Stasi Elderedge talks about a woman's desire to be romanced, to be pursued by a man and to be his priority. She talks about getting flowers and love letters from the guy she ended up marrying and I'm like...that's so cute. I want that too. But at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't talk about wanting this. I'm almost embarrassed to be writing this right now, like it's too personal. There's a song by Bethany Dillon called Beautiful and in it she says that she wants to be beautiful, to make someone to stand in awe, to be amazed by her inner and outer beauty. I posted the lyrics on my MySpace once, a couple years ago and felt almost embarrassed that I agreed with her then. They're...too deep, too close to my heart.
To admit that I want to, I yearn to, be romanced and pursued is...it feels girly and weak and desperate. I can and do live and get along without a man in my life; I'm a whole, complete person by myself. I don't live and wait for the time when there is someone pursuing me...but it's still something I want. It's why I wish Jim was real.
Vaya con Dios.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Bittersweet
I hate my youth ministry class. Hate it hate it hate it. Also, I really love it. The content is awesome, the reading is really interesting, and the professor is great. However...it makes me sad every week after class. I miss my Horizons students so much after talking about ministry and about teenagers for 2 hours. I spent my whole walk back to my apartment tonight trying not to cry. We talked about mentoring today in class, what a mentor is and isn't, how to set-up a mentoring relationship, and other stuff. I wanted to have a youth group to use the stuff I'm learning. I want to be a volunteer with a youth group. Well, actually, I want to be a volunteer with Horizon's youth group. When my professor was talking about how to choose students to mentor, I had a good list of girls in jr high and high school that I'd love to mentor, that I think are 'ready,' that would benefit from it. But it's all focused on personal contact and meeting regularly and...stuff I can't do from 300 miles away. I miss the junior highers. I miss the high schoolers too.
Sometimes I hate even being at Biola. I know it's where I'm supposed to be and I love my friends and I'm learning so much in and out of my classes...but I want to be home. If last semester was my hardest semester (which it definitely was), this is the semester I want to be here the least. I've wanted to be home so much, to be able to talk to students (not kids) and to be a real part of Horizons, not just some random girl who shows up every month or so. I want to build deeper relationships with students and it's harder over email. People forget to reply or just don't reply and continually trying to talk feels like I'm harassing them.
I miss Becky and Tiffany and my sister. I feel like I'm having a little pity party for myself here. I guess I basically am. I wish I could be two people. Or that my life and my heart weren't split in half, between here and there. I wish I wasn't stuck in a place I don't want to be. But...then it's not about me, is it? As selfish as I am and as much as I would love to just quit school and do what I want, I know God wants me here. I know that I'm going to do social work. Missions was always my idea; social work appeared out of the blue when I was looking for a missions-related job. I hope I get to stay in Peoria; I hope I get to be more involved with Horizons when I graduate (which is only 8 months away!). But God's plans aren't the same as mine; my life is going to be different than how I imagine. I'm working on being open to God's will, to seeking that even when I'm depressed and just wanting to be home. If you pray for me, pray for that. If you want me to pray for you, let me know and I will. Every day. I'm not even lying. If you're from Horizons and you read this, I miss you.
Vaya con Dios.
Sometimes I hate even being at Biola. I know it's where I'm supposed to be and I love my friends and I'm learning so much in and out of my classes...but I want to be home. If last semester was my hardest semester (which it definitely was), this is the semester I want to be here the least. I've wanted to be home so much, to be able to talk to students (not kids) and to be a real part of Horizons, not just some random girl who shows up every month or so. I want to build deeper relationships with students and it's harder over email. People forget to reply or just don't reply and continually trying to talk feels like I'm harassing them.
I miss Becky and Tiffany and my sister. I feel like I'm having a little pity party for myself here. I guess I basically am. I wish I could be two people. Or that my life and my heart weren't split in half, between here and there. I wish I wasn't stuck in a place I don't want to be. But...then it's not about me, is it? As selfish as I am and as much as I would love to just quit school and do what I want, I know God wants me here. I know that I'm going to do social work. Missions was always my idea; social work appeared out of the blue when I was looking for a missions-related job. I hope I get to stay in Peoria; I hope I get to be more involved with Horizons when I graduate (which is only 8 months away!). But God's plans aren't the same as mine; my life is going to be different than how I imagine. I'm working on being open to God's will, to seeking that even when I'm depressed and just wanting to be home. If you pray for me, pray for that. If you want me to pray for you, let me know and I will. Every day. I'm not even lying. If you're from Horizons and you read this, I miss you.
Vaya con Dios.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Call it torture, call it university
I'm in a World Civilizations class this semester, covering about 1500 until now-ish. I was not excited to actually have to take the class, but since I'm just taking it online, it's interesting. I read a chapter, take a test, and post my answers to the discussion questions every week. It takes less than 3 hours. Anyways...this week my chapter is about the Enlightenment and Scientific Revolution. I already know quit a bit abut it thanks to AIMS World History and Ms. Calvano, but it's kind of weird now. I can't think of a better adjective. But these guys that I learned about in school, Voltaire and Locke and others, hated Christians and Christianity. They believed and trusted solely in science and things that were 'rational' and could be proven. They also, interestingly, thought that the existence of God could be 'empirically deduced by the contemplation of nature.' They didn't believe in divine revelation, but deists believed that there was a God who created the world and that we have life after death, to be rewarded or punished based on our deeds while on earth. In some ways it's odd that these men have affected a lot of how we understand the world, the freedoms we have now in the United States, but they were very opposed to the church as a whole. Or Freud, who was horribly sexist and crazy, but I still have to study and learn things that he taught. I don't like Freud.
In some ways, I can see why though. The church in the Middle Ages wasn't really known for their toleration or compassion. England couldn't decided whether it hated the Protestants or Catholics and alternately killed both, Spain had the Inquisition, and torture was pretty well accepted for 'heretics.' The Catholic church accepting indulgences and the persecution and silencing of former scientists (i.e. Copernicus and Galileo) probably didn't help matters either. It's like the beginning of the idea that science and religion can't agree; they're almost always seen as opposing and enemies, like the ideas taught by the church are so ridiculous and unable to measure. In some ways, yeah, they are. The fact that God became a human being, that one God is also 3 people, that forever exists or that heaven and hell are real places...it's more than I can understand and more than science can explain. There's more to life than matter and energy, more than can fit into the bow of things that are scientifically explainable. My theology professor last year attended a state college and he was talking about his biology class. The professor as talking about the human body and the heart and the fact that scientists don't know what makes the heart start beating...it just does. It's like science acknowledges that there are things unexplainable through scientific processes, but pretends there aren't.
I could go on about science and religion, but my point was just that so much of our cultural understanding and the importance of science came from these men who would think that I'm ignorant and an idiot and intolerant and...a religious fanatic. I love learning, so I just thought it was intriguing, especially studying this at a Christian university.
Vaya con Dios.
In some ways, I can see why though. The church in the Middle Ages wasn't really known for their toleration or compassion. England couldn't decided whether it hated the Protestants or Catholics and alternately killed both, Spain had the Inquisition, and torture was pretty well accepted for 'heretics.' The Catholic church accepting indulgences and the persecution and silencing of former scientists (i.e. Copernicus and Galileo) probably didn't help matters either. It's like the beginning of the idea that science and religion can't agree; they're almost always seen as opposing and enemies, like the ideas taught by the church are so ridiculous and unable to measure. In some ways, yeah, they are. The fact that God became a human being, that one God is also 3 people, that forever exists or that heaven and hell are real places...it's more than I can understand and more than science can explain. There's more to life than matter and energy, more than can fit into the bow of things that are scientifically explainable. My theology professor last year attended a state college and he was talking about his biology class. The professor as talking about the human body and the heart and the fact that scientists don't know what makes the heart start beating...it just does. It's like science acknowledges that there are things unexplainable through scientific processes, but pretends there aren't.
I could go on about science and religion, but my point was just that so much of our cultural understanding and the importance of science came from these men who would think that I'm ignorant and an idiot and intolerant and...a religious fanatic. I love learning, so I just thought it was intriguing, especially studying this at a Christian university.
Vaya con Dios.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
You're alone and you're scared, but the banquet's all prepared
My life is not my own.
That's what I've been learning this past weekend especially. I went home and realized how much I missed Arizona weather. It seems crazy, because I've spent the past 21 years complaining about the heat, and wanting to go out of Arizona for college and maybe wanting to leave for after college, but I was glad to be home and appreciated the consistency in weather. As much as I don't always like the heat, it's nice to know that when I wake up it will be really hot and in the afternoon it will be really hot and at 11 pm it will be really hot. California weather is so temperamental and up and down and cloudy in the morning, but sweltering by 10:30, when I get off of work. Ugh.
But...back to learning. Through Stuff Christians Like and Troy talking at church this past weekend, I'm learning (or trying to) that my life and what I do with it isn't about my comfort zone, my preferences, and what I think I'd be best at. I'm not saying that God doesn't use the skills and passions He's given me in using me as a part of His plan, but my primary concern is and should be His plan, what He's doing, and were He's leading. The limited place where I'm comfortable is not the top of His list I don't think, because He can gift me to do anything or use me and work through me when and where I'm not gifted.
Another reason I'm really glad I went home this past weekend, besides having fun and hanging out with people, is hearing Troy's message at church Sunday morning and a brief one at youth worship night Sunday night. They were both awesome. He talked about being contagious as Christians rather than complacent and compromising. He talked along similar lines on Sunday night and what kept running through my head is that my life is not mine to dictate and control. It's not up to me to decide.
As a result of this idea and Troy's message this weekend, I signed up for a couple different ministries at Biola, at least to learn more. I did not sign up for the ministries involved in working with kids, even though that is always my first inclination. Working with kids is, to me, easiest. I'm comfortable teaching Sunday School to K-1st graders and working with preschoolers far more than being a camp counselor for junior high and high school students. For a long time, I've thought that God's plan for me is to work with kids as a career and as a service to Him. But especially in the past couple of years, working with Horizons students and praying with high school girls where I know that those were not my words coming out...maybe my love of kids and my ease and comfort in teaching and working with them doesn't equal God's plan for my future. Maybe God wants to stretch me more.
So at the ministry fair, I avoided the booths for child-related ministries and specifically signed up at 2 booths way outside my comfort zone, Women's Care in the social justice ministry and Brown Bag, which is ministry and friendship with the homeless. Both of these terrify me. I went to an info meeting for Women's Care tonight and they were talking with working with a home for women, 17 and over, teaching life skills classes and hosting book studies and writing letters to women in prison and I was like...um...I don't know how to do that. I am not quipped; maybe this isn't for me. Staying and listening though, I wanted to do it. Working with kids is easy and comfortable, but life isn't supposed to be easy and comfortable. I want to grow and learn and step outside the small arena that I feel totally comfortable in.
God's prepared the way before me; He's already present and working in whatever situation I find myself in, whether it's a castle with talking clocks or teaching life skills and discussing books with victims of sex trafficking. God is awesome.
I don't think Troy reads this, but if you do...thanks.
Vaya con Dios.
That's what I've been learning this past weekend especially. I went home and realized how much I missed Arizona weather. It seems crazy, because I've spent the past 21 years complaining about the heat, and wanting to go out of Arizona for college and maybe wanting to leave for after college, but I was glad to be home and appreciated the consistency in weather. As much as I don't always like the heat, it's nice to know that when I wake up it will be really hot and in the afternoon it will be really hot and at 11 pm it will be really hot. California weather is so temperamental and up and down and cloudy in the morning, but sweltering by 10:30, when I get off of work. Ugh.
But...back to learning. Through Stuff Christians Like and Troy talking at church this past weekend, I'm learning (or trying to) that my life and what I do with it isn't about my comfort zone, my preferences, and what I think I'd be best at. I'm not saying that God doesn't use the skills and passions He's given me in using me as a part of His plan, but my primary concern is and should be His plan, what He's doing, and were He's leading. The limited place where I'm comfortable is not the top of His list I don't think, because He can gift me to do anything or use me and work through me when and where I'm not gifted.
Another reason I'm really glad I went home this past weekend, besides having fun and hanging out with people, is hearing Troy's message at church Sunday morning and a brief one at youth worship night Sunday night. They were both awesome. He talked about being contagious as Christians rather than complacent and compromising. He talked along similar lines on Sunday night and what kept running through my head is that my life is not mine to dictate and control. It's not up to me to decide.
As a result of this idea and Troy's message this weekend, I signed up for a couple different ministries at Biola, at least to learn more. I did not sign up for the ministries involved in working with kids, even though that is always my first inclination. Working with kids is, to me, easiest. I'm comfortable teaching Sunday School to K-1st graders and working with preschoolers far more than being a camp counselor for junior high and high school students. For a long time, I've thought that God's plan for me is to work with kids as a career and as a service to Him. But especially in the past couple of years, working with Horizons students and praying with high school girls where I know that those were not my words coming out...maybe my love of kids and my ease and comfort in teaching and working with them doesn't equal God's plan for my future. Maybe God wants to stretch me more.
So at the ministry fair, I avoided the booths for child-related ministries and specifically signed up at 2 booths way outside my comfort zone, Women's Care in the social justice ministry and Brown Bag, which is ministry and friendship with the homeless. Both of these terrify me. I went to an info meeting for Women's Care tonight and they were talking with working with a home for women, 17 and over, teaching life skills classes and hosting book studies and writing letters to women in prison and I was like...um...I don't know how to do that. I am not quipped; maybe this isn't for me. Staying and listening though, I wanted to do it. Working with kids is easy and comfortable, but life isn't supposed to be easy and comfortable. I want to grow and learn and step outside the small arena that I feel totally comfortable in.
God's prepared the way before me; He's already present and working in whatever situation I find myself in, whether it's a castle with talking clocks or teaching life skills and discussing books with victims of sex trafficking. God is awesome.
I don't think Troy reads this, but if you do...thanks.
Vaya con Dios.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights and cups of coffee
I think blogging is like some sort of addiction. Once I start, I keep thinking of amazingly brilliant things to tell everyone. Or maybe I just like the feeling on my thoughts being in a computer and not all crammed in my head. I read in a book last week that journaling for a few minutes before you go to bed will help you sleep better. I have no doubt that it will, but I always just want to go to sleep so my thoughts are all stuck in my brain.
I just finished reading a Jodi Picoult book. She likes to write books about controversial things. They usually flash back and forth so you don't even really know what's going until a ways into it and she uses a lot of different people's points of view so it's even more confusing. There's also usually a court case of some sort and s dramatic revelation at the eleventh hour. I like her books; they're entertaining and easy to read. They're usually a good escape from having to think too much. But I did not like the one I just finished. I was really depressed after it. It was a story about a guy who was accused of raping a student at the school he used to teach at. After 8 months in jail, he moved somewhere new, started dating a girl, and then a girl in the new town accuses him of rape. Addie, the girl he starts dating, had been raped at the end of high school by 3 guys, 2 of whom still live in her small town. The accused rapist/teacher, Jack, stood by in college when his friends from the soccer team regularly gang raped girls. Since he was often the top scorer, he got to go first and just pretended the rest didn't happen. Then, very dramatically (to completely ruin the ending), after Jack wins the case, the author reveals that Gillian, the accuser, is regularly sexually abused by her dad, who also by the way was the leader of the group that raped Addie back in high school, along with the police chief. After I finished the last page, I wanted to cry.
I've joked before that authors have higher expectations or opinions of people that movie producers. Books are way more likely to end unhappily and the endings get changed when they're made into movies, like in Dear John and My Sister's Keeper. But sometimes, I just like happy endings. It's probably part of the reason I like Harry Potter so much. I always knew the ending was going to be basically happy, that Voldemort would die and all would be well. The books and authors I've been finding and reading more lately do not seem to like happy endings very much. I know that life isn't made up of happy endings and I don't like cheesiness, but I read to have a break from normal life. I think it's silly that a lot of Christian authors don't seem to think that Christians can live past the pioneer era, but I like those books. There's twists and conflict, but you know it's all going to be okay. You know it's not going to just end after a court trial with a father making out with his daughter.
I've been thinking about racism more too, because I'm in a Peoples of Ethnic America class, so we've been talking and reading about it. Sometimes I think that I like to pretend that racism doesn't really exist. That it's exaggerated and people are just lazy and...whatever else. We were talking about 'white privilege' in class today, about the idea or reality that white people have an advantage over people of other races, that merely by being white we don't suffer as much and aren't discriminated against. The author of the essay was female so she also talked about male privilege, that generally guys are privileged and have an advantage, just because they're male. They don't have to worry about the same sexism-related issues or wonder if the reason that someone talks like you're an idiot or doesn't acknowledge your contribution to a Bible discussion is because you're female. My opinions on women and our role must be selfishly rooted and emotionally driven. Why is t that even I am more impressed by a male writer who's more egalitarian than I am by a woman?
Life is too complicated. I wish I was at Hogwarts.
Vaya con Dios.
I just finished reading a Jodi Picoult book. She likes to write books about controversial things. They usually flash back and forth so you don't even really know what's going until a ways into it and she uses a lot of different people's points of view so it's even more confusing. There's also usually a court case of some sort and s dramatic revelation at the eleventh hour. I like her books; they're entertaining and easy to read. They're usually a good escape from having to think too much. But I did not like the one I just finished. I was really depressed after it. It was a story about a guy who was accused of raping a student at the school he used to teach at. After 8 months in jail, he moved somewhere new, started dating a girl, and then a girl in the new town accuses him of rape. Addie, the girl he starts dating, had been raped at the end of high school by 3 guys, 2 of whom still live in her small town. The accused rapist/teacher, Jack, stood by in college when his friends from the soccer team regularly gang raped girls. Since he was often the top scorer, he got to go first and just pretended the rest didn't happen. Then, very dramatically (to completely ruin the ending), after Jack wins the case, the author reveals that Gillian, the accuser, is regularly sexually abused by her dad, who also by the way was the leader of the group that raped Addie back in high school, along with the police chief. After I finished the last page, I wanted to cry.
I've joked before that authors have higher expectations or opinions of people that movie producers. Books are way more likely to end unhappily and the endings get changed when they're made into movies, like in Dear John and My Sister's Keeper. But sometimes, I just like happy endings. It's probably part of the reason I like Harry Potter so much. I always knew the ending was going to be basically happy, that Voldemort would die and all would be well. The books and authors I've been finding and reading more lately do not seem to like happy endings very much. I know that life isn't made up of happy endings and I don't like cheesiness, but I read to have a break from normal life. I think it's silly that a lot of Christian authors don't seem to think that Christians can live past the pioneer era, but I like those books. There's twists and conflict, but you know it's all going to be okay. You know it's not going to just end after a court trial with a father making out with his daughter.
I've been thinking about racism more too, because I'm in a Peoples of Ethnic America class, so we've been talking and reading about it. Sometimes I think that I like to pretend that racism doesn't really exist. That it's exaggerated and people are just lazy and...whatever else. We were talking about 'white privilege' in class today, about the idea or reality that white people have an advantage over people of other races, that merely by being white we don't suffer as much and aren't discriminated against. The author of the essay was female so she also talked about male privilege, that generally guys are privileged and have an advantage, just because they're male. They don't have to worry about the same sexism-related issues or wonder if the reason that someone talks like you're an idiot or doesn't acknowledge your contribution to a Bible discussion is because you're female. My opinions on women and our role must be selfishly rooted and emotionally driven. Why is t that even I am more impressed by a male writer who's more egalitarian than I am by a woman?
Life is too complicated. I wish I was at Hogwarts.
Vaya con Dios.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
You won't find grace without honesty
I wanted to share some things going on in my life lately. First, most people probably know that I love reading. I really enjoy reading, a whole lot and I have since I learned to when I was 4. However...I am going to be reading a WHOLE lot this semester, especially early on. I have 5 books each for 2 of my classes, 4 for another, and 3/2/1 for the others. It adds up to a total of 20 books. I will be reading 100% of all of these books except my giant history textbook, because the time period we're covering is only the last 2/3 of the book. So that's nice at least.
But this semester I'm more nervous about being able to do my schoolwork than I can remember being for any of my previous semesters. Looking at my schedule, with working and reading and homework, I'm like...can I really do all this? I've been busy and worked hard the past 3 years, but I've never truly been overwhelmed. I don't think I've ever felt like I can't do it. It feels like...real life. I'm in an apartment and I can make real dinner and I have things under a bathroom cabinet and a towel rack. Sorry...I'm so impressed by the awesomeness of not having to hang my wet towel off the end of my bed and keep food in my desk drawer. I don't even have to use a shower caddy. I'm like a real adult in a real apartment. But anyways, for my Gospel and Culture, the capstone for my Intercultural Studies classes, I have to write a 20-25 page paper and give a 15-minute presentation on it, like 'journal quality'. It's...legit. I don't know, it's just weird to think about being a real adult, having jobs that feel more real (a Research Assistant in the Christian Ministries department and doing office work in the cafe). I wear nice clothes, not my Facilities t-shirt and gross jeans.
Also, I really like the word awesome. This summer, I started an unofficial list in my head. It's called "People Who Are More Awesome than Me." I like to think that I am awesome, so it's just recognizing people I know and how/why they are more awesome than me, whether in general or at something specific. Yesterday, I had a 'you are more awesome than me' moment with my roommate Raeleen. She'd come in the apartment and wanted to turn the air colder and I didn't. I was pretty short with her and frustrated because I'm generally cold in our apartment. Anyways, she was going to turn it down and we talked and disagreed and then she went in her room. She came back to mine a few minutes later and asked me to forgive her for being insensitive. I was like...crap...I was a jerk. You are more awesome than me. I'm not good about asking for forgiveness. I know the Christian life isn't about comparisons at all, but it's more of a recognition of my shortcomings and things that I need to improve in. So now the lost of people who are more awesome than me has 3 people. It's still growing though; Raeleen's the only one from Biola who's made it on yet. The first two are from my church in AZ, Liz and Tiffany. Ugh. It's only going to get longer as I continue to recognize that I am not actually that awesome, I'm so imperfect. I don't like being overwhelmed and not very awesome.
The other thing I'm thinking about currently is how much I like Stuff Christians Like. Whether you read it or not, it is great. A lot of it really funny, and generally true. I really like that Jon Acuff, the author, is actually a Christian, like me. There was a blog a while ago called Stuff Christian Culture Likes, but it was a lot more sarcastic and mocking. Jon Acuff is super funny and comments on the culture that he is a part of and on himself a a pastor's kid. You should read it. It's my favorite. But some days, I'll read one that's like...a punch in the face. Yesterday I read a post about God's feelings regarding my 'comfort zone.' I really like my comfort zone, where I don't have to interact with people much and I can think I'm really awesome. It's like the colliding of thinking about the real world and realizing how much more awesome than me so many people are in seeing my comfort zone and realizing that God doesn't really like my comfort zone or want to give me the things that I selfishly want. It's...ridiculous. I wish I could know things and explain things and believe that I'm a good person living in a good world, but I don't really think that's true. Here's Jon Acuff's interpretation of God's reaction to my comfort zone:
"I don’t like your ‘comfort zone.’ For one thing, it’s something you create and you also turn to me less when you’re in your comfort zone. I want you out of your comfort zone. I want you dependent on me and if to do that I have to pull you out of your comfort zone, then I will. I am the only one that can create true comfort. I am the only one that can give you that gift. You are powerless to be truly comfortable outside of me. The adventure I am calling you to will not be comfortable by your definition of the word."
Vaya con Dios.
But this semester I'm more nervous about being able to do my schoolwork than I can remember being for any of my previous semesters. Looking at my schedule, with working and reading and homework, I'm like...can I really do all this? I've been busy and worked hard the past 3 years, but I've never truly been overwhelmed. I don't think I've ever felt like I can't do it. It feels like...real life. I'm in an apartment and I can make real dinner and I have things under a bathroom cabinet and a towel rack. Sorry...I'm so impressed by the awesomeness of not having to hang my wet towel off the end of my bed and keep food in my desk drawer. I don't even have to use a shower caddy. I'm like a real adult in a real apartment. But anyways, for my Gospel and Culture, the capstone for my Intercultural Studies classes, I have to write a 20-25 page paper and give a 15-minute presentation on it, like 'journal quality'. It's...legit. I don't know, it's just weird to think about being a real adult, having jobs that feel more real (a Research Assistant in the Christian Ministries department and doing office work in the cafe). I wear nice clothes, not my Facilities t-shirt and gross jeans.
Also, I really like the word awesome. This summer, I started an unofficial list in my head. It's called "People Who Are More Awesome than Me." I like to think that I am awesome, so it's just recognizing people I know and how/why they are more awesome than me, whether in general or at something specific. Yesterday, I had a 'you are more awesome than me' moment with my roommate Raeleen. She'd come in the apartment and wanted to turn the air colder and I didn't. I was pretty short with her and frustrated because I'm generally cold in our apartment. Anyways, she was going to turn it down and we talked and disagreed and then she went in her room. She came back to mine a few minutes later and asked me to forgive her for being insensitive. I was like...crap...I was a jerk. You are more awesome than me. I'm not good about asking for forgiveness. I know the Christian life isn't about comparisons at all, but it's more of a recognition of my shortcomings and things that I need to improve in. So now the lost of people who are more awesome than me has 3 people. It's still growing though; Raeleen's the only one from Biola who's made it on yet. The first two are from my church in AZ, Liz and Tiffany. Ugh. It's only going to get longer as I continue to recognize that I am not actually that awesome, I'm so imperfect. I don't like being overwhelmed and not very awesome.
The other thing I'm thinking about currently is how much I like Stuff Christians Like. Whether you read it or not, it is great. A lot of it really funny, and generally true. I really like that Jon Acuff, the author, is actually a Christian, like me. There was a blog a while ago called Stuff Christian Culture Likes, but it was a lot more sarcastic and mocking. Jon Acuff is super funny and comments on the culture that he is a part of and on himself a a pastor's kid. You should read it. It's my favorite. But some days, I'll read one that's like...a punch in the face. Yesterday I read a post about God's feelings regarding my 'comfort zone.' I really like my comfort zone, where I don't have to interact with people much and I can think I'm really awesome. It's like the colliding of thinking about the real world and realizing how much more awesome than me so many people are in seeing my comfort zone and realizing that God doesn't really like my comfort zone or want to give me the things that I selfishly want. It's...ridiculous. I wish I could know things and explain things and believe that I'm a good person living in a good world, but I don't really think that's true. Here's Jon Acuff's interpretation of God's reaction to my comfort zone:
"I don’t like your ‘comfort zone.’ For one thing, it’s something you create and you also turn to me less when you’re in your comfort zone. I want you out of your comfort zone. I want you dependent on me and if to do that I have to pull you out of your comfort zone, then I will. I am the only one that can create true comfort. I am the only one that can give you that gift. You are powerless to be truly comfortable outside of me. The adventure I am calling you to will not be comfortable by your definition of the word."
Vaya con Dios.
Monday, August 9, 2010
California girls, we're unforgettable.
I was going to post a blog last night, but I was way too tired so I wasn't making sense and I was sharing way too much. Currently, I'm in a much better mood but still wanted to share since I haven't blogged all summer. This summer, I've been going through a 12 week Bible study called Experiencing God (it's pretty great) and thinking a lot about 'my future.' I'm not sure why I put that in quotes but when I was writing that sentence in my head it seemed like it needed quotes. Anyways...I think I'm less confused than I was before this summer. So...he's what I know...
1. I want to make a difference. This is still too self-focused, but I'm working on that still.
2. I love working with kids and teens and things I read about American culture and about teenage girls breaks my heart every time, the same as seeing pictures of starving kids on TV (referred to as 'economic porn' by the director of my study abroad program last year)
3. I know that God has a plan and that my job in it is to join Him where He's already working, not seek this unique thing that I could do to make me a cooler person.
4. I look for 'signs' or whatever from God about my future plans. Like...the day that Rusty and I broke up I'd just read a chapter in Passion and Purity that confirmed what I'd been thinking about my, and Elisabeth Elliot's, decision to wait on God's timing. I've been looking into social work a lot because at a missions fair at Biola, there were a ton of booths set up for different organizations. I talked to a ton of people at a bunch of the tables, and the only thing that stood out or sounded like where I could/should go was social work. I tried to steal a pen from the table for Fuller Theological Seminary, but the woman at the table came over to talk to me and recommended against their Children at Risk program and said that a social work degree would be better. It was just weird, but God works in weird ways.
That's all I can think of, relating to my thoughts about my future. I love kids and teenagers and want to work with them for my career. I think I'd basically be content working in a daycare somewhere, but that's just me being lazy and not wanting to step out of my 'comfort zone.' Oh...I have something to add to my list...
5. I know that my idea of what my life will look like is nowhere near to God's idea. I'm not quite okay with this yet...I'd like to be able to map out my life and make definite plans rather than shrugging my shoulders when someone asks what I'm going to do after Biola. But my vague ideas and hopes aren't necessarily God's plans.
So...I'm still waiting. After almost 6 months of waiting and crying and hoping, I know a possible general direction and I'm just going from there. I'm taking the social work class at Biola this semester, as well as Peoples of Ethnic America and Adolescent Culture and Development. It should be really awesome. I'm really excited to live in the apartments on-campus.
Sometimes I feel like I've grown and changed a lot in the past few months, but at least part of that is just me hoping I have. I'm definitely in a better relationship with God, which is good. I can't think of how to end this, so I'm just going to end it like this.
Vaya con Dios.
1. I want to make a difference. This is still too self-focused, but I'm working on that still.
2. I love working with kids and teens and things I read about American culture and about teenage girls breaks my heart every time, the same as seeing pictures of starving kids on TV (referred to as 'economic porn' by the director of my study abroad program last year)
3. I know that God has a plan and that my job in it is to join Him where He's already working, not seek this unique thing that I could do to make me a cooler person.
4. I look for 'signs' or whatever from God about my future plans. Like...the day that Rusty and I broke up I'd just read a chapter in Passion and Purity that confirmed what I'd been thinking about my, and Elisabeth Elliot's, decision to wait on God's timing. I've been looking into social work a lot because at a missions fair at Biola, there were a ton of booths set up for different organizations. I talked to a ton of people at a bunch of the tables, and the only thing that stood out or sounded like where I could/should go was social work. I tried to steal a pen from the table for Fuller Theological Seminary, but the woman at the table came over to talk to me and recommended against their Children at Risk program and said that a social work degree would be better. It was just weird, but God works in weird ways.
That's all I can think of, relating to my thoughts about my future. I love kids and teenagers and want to work with them for my career. I think I'd basically be content working in a daycare somewhere, but that's just me being lazy and not wanting to step out of my 'comfort zone.' Oh...I have something to add to my list...
5. I know that my idea of what my life will look like is nowhere near to God's idea. I'm not quite okay with this yet...I'd like to be able to map out my life and make definite plans rather than shrugging my shoulders when someone asks what I'm going to do after Biola. But my vague ideas and hopes aren't necessarily God's plans.
So...I'm still waiting. After almost 6 months of waiting and crying and hoping, I know a possible general direction and I'm just going from there. I'm taking the social work class at Biola this semester, as well as Peoples of Ethnic America and Adolescent Culture and Development. It should be really awesome. I'm really excited to live in the apartments on-campus.
Sometimes I feel like I've grown and changed a lot in the past few months, but at least part of that is just me hoping I have. I'm definitely in a better relationship with God, which is good. I can't think of how to end this, so I'm just going to end it like this.
Vaya con Dios.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I'm falling in and now this feeling's getting stronger
My spring semester is finally finally finally over! All of the stress and papers and tests and packing and fitting in last times with friends...ach, I get a little stressed remembering. I'm so glad to be done, but in all of the busyness I didn't really let myself think about the summer and what it will look like. It's like a big...void almost. I'm going to camp with my church for a week and to Florida with my family, both of which will be super amazing, but the rest of the summer, I've got nothing definite. Nothing but free time. Hopefully working, doing respite work like last summer, but even that's not very sure right now.
Even when I was at school, even when I was counting the days and the tasks and the hours until I could be done, I didn't even really want to come home. I love my family and I'm so glad to be able to see them, to hang out with my sister and to see Becky and Charlotte, but all of them have other things to do where I have nothing. Becky's life is basically here, Charlotte has work and things, and my sister has a way more active social life than I ever have. That sounds more self-pitying than I'm actually feeling. I just...I don't quite know how to explain. Or at least explain in a way that I'm theoretically okay with anyone reading. There are some things I won't share over public blog.
Maybe this is just because it's night; I tend to be more emotional at night or right when I wake up. This afternoon I had fun with myself, unpacking and playing good music loudly. Then Allyson and I went to Bashas and got food, because our parents and Zach were gone, and made some pizza bagels and rented The Lovely Bones. And it was good. It wasn't until I got tired and bored that I started being so melancholy. I don't like melancholy. I need something to do. I'm going to go crazy sitting at home all summer. I think it goes back to my last blog and feeling like I don't have a place to rest. Everything is uncomfortable or stretching or...I don't know. I explained it well to my spiritual director but I cried then thinking about it and I'm sick of crying too so I try to avoid thinking about it. That's a totally healthy way to deal, right?
I'm not a fan of uncertainty and this summer is going to be different than either of my summers in college for a few different reasons. I'm working on holding to God, really knowing that He is here with me. It's a long, slow process of learning and relearning.
Now I'm trying to get up, I'm trying to retrace
My steps back to wherever I messed up
Is forever enough?
I'm holding on...
I know you'll be there whenever I wake up
Even when I was at school, even when I was counting the days and the tasks and the hours until I could be done, I didn't even really want to come home. I love my family and I'm so glad to be able to see them, to hang out with my sister and to see Becky and Charlotte, but all of them have other things to do where I have nothing. Becky's life is basically here, Charlotte has work and things, and my sister has a way more active social life than I ever have. That sounds more self-pitying than I'm actually feeling. I just...I don't quite know how to explain. Or at least explain in a way that I'm theoretically okay with anyone reading. There are some things I won't share over public blog.
Maybe this is just because it's night; I tend to be more emotional at night or right when I wake up. This afternoon I had fun with myself, unpacking and playing good music loudly. Then Allyson and I went to Bashas and got food, because our parents and Zach were gone, and made some pizza bagels and rented The Lovely Bones. And it was good. It wasn't until I got tired and bored that I started being so melancholy. I don't like melancholy. I need something to do. I'm going to go crazy sitting at home all summer. I think it goes back to my last blog and feeling like I don't have a place to rest. Everything is uncomfortable or stretching or...I don't know. I explained it well to my spiritual director but I cried then thinking about it and I'm sick of crying too so I try to avoid thinking about it. That's a totally healthy way to deal, right?
I'm not a fan of uncertainty and this summer is going to be different than either of my summers in college for a few different reasons. I'm working on holding to God, really knowing that He is here with me. It's a long, slow process of learning and relearning.
Now I'm trying to get up, I'm trying to retrace
My steps back to wherever I messed up
Is forever enough?
I'm holding on...
I know you'll be there whenever I wake up
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Let it go, let it be and brick by brick we can be free
Does everything in my life have to be a stretching and growing experience? This semester has definitely been one whee I've grown the most, spiritually, in friendships, in expressing myself, and in resolving conflicts but sometimes I wish some areas of my life were just areas that I could be comfortable in. Like, if I'm growing a lot closer to God and learning to depend more on Him, which is something outside my 'comfort zone,' can't I be comfortable in times with my friends? Why does being in community have to feel like a discipline and something I have to stretch myself in? When I spend time alone, I feel lonely. It just happens, quite a bit actually. Can't I just have peace and rest and comfort in that area of my life for a little while? I feel like I'm explaining this badly, but last night I was thinking about my conflict resolution skills, or lack thereof, and knowing how much I have grown this semester or even in the past couple of years, but how far I still have to grow. I guess in a way I want to not grow in things, to be unaware of my deficiencies and not trying to stretch past my comfort zone so often. I don't want to have to consciously tell myself not to be jealous or passive-aggressive or focused, whether on homework or friends or whatever. I want things that are supposed to be fun to actually be fun.
This past weekend, I went to Rocky Point with my family and it was awesome. I didn't take my computer or any homework things homework and I think I needed that. I had the weekend to chill out and go snorkeling and sit on the beach and eat burritos and wrestle my sister/break our camper. But then I didn't get a whole lot of sleep so I'm entering the worst week of my semester sleep deprived and thus less motivated and more emotional than usual. Any time I think about things I have to do on top of schoolwork, I get panicky. Even just thinking about having to pick up and fill out a job application, meet for a meeting/test for a different potential job, pick up/return library books, see how I like my new nook, hang out with a bunch of different friends, get people to sign my birthday present mug from Charlotte's mom, pack, study for finals, go to Disneyland, go to the beach.
I just started reading Ruby Slippers, and it's so awesome but also eats up my time and I feel guilty for not doing homework or hanging out with people that I won't get to see in a couple weeks or not trying out my nook and I just need something I can enjoy, like I said earlier. I need something I can just purely enjoy and I can't find anything.
I'm so exhausted. I'm so ready for this semester to be over. I've skipped my devotions for the past week or so because I just plain need that extra time to sleep in the morning and I'm too busy or distracted during the day. I'm just plain worn out from this semester, with my class load and thinking about the future and major changes in my life and Mickey dying and reflecting and just...life. I desparately need sleep and free time and...summer. God, be with me. Get me through and give me strength until I can finally rest.
Vaya con Dios.
This past weekend, I went to Rocky Point with my family and it was awesome. I didn't take my computer or any homework things homework and I think I needed that. I had the weekend to chill out and go snorkeling and sit on the beach and eat burritos and wrestle my sister/break our camper. But then I didn't get a whole lot of sleep so I'm entering the worst week of my semester sleep deprived and thus less motivated and more emotional than usual. Any time I think about things I have to do on top of schoolwork, I get panicky. Even just thinking about having to pick up and fill out a job application, meet for a meeting/test for a different potential job, pick up/return library books, see how I like my new nook, hang out with a bunch of different friends, get people to sign my birthday present mug from Charlotte's mom, pack, study for finals, go to Disneyland, go to the beach.
I just started reading Ruby Slippers, and it's so awesome but also eats up my time and I feel guilty for not doing homework or hanging out with people that I won't get to see in a couple weeks or not trying out my nook and I just need something I can enjoy, like I said earlier. I need something I can just purely enjoy and I can't find anything.
I'm so exhausted. I'm so ready for this semester to be over. I've skipped my devotions for the past week or so because I just plain need that extra time to sleep in the morning and I'm too busy or distracted during the day. I'm just plain worn out from this semester, with my class load and thinking about the future and major changes in my life and Mickey dying and reflecting and just...life. I desparately need sleep and free time and...summer. God, be with me. Get me through and give me strength until I can finally rest.
Vaya con Dios.
Monday, May 10, 2010
I'm broken inside, but all I go through it leads me to You
I should not read the Christy Miller books. Seriously. Especially the later ones, they hit too close to home for me. Never mind that her college is based on Biola (the author went there, met her husband there, and one of her sons was an RA here), but at least in some ways, her protagonist is way way too similar to me. She's shy and not too confident and reserved and loves kids and...ugh. The storyline fits too closely too. In the penultimate book of the main 12-book series, she breaks up with Todd, the guy she's liked and been sort-of dating for the entire series so that he can follow his dream and God's call to go off and do jungle missions work. Since it's a Christian series, obviously everything works out in the next book and the two of them eventually get married. But reading the scene at the end of the 11th book was different than when I read the series when I was 16. I cried when I read it yesterday. I was anticipating that scene and my reaction for the past couple days, because I knew it was coming. It was one of the scenes that's stuck with me the most since I read the series so long ago.
I don't know if I'm being too dramatic or reading too much into it, but I've thought of that scene and if that would be me some day, if I'd have to give up someone I really liked because it was God's will. I'd rather have the happy ending that Christy does than her heartbreaking middle or the emotional roller coaster that comes in the beginning of the series. She has doubts, she dates a couple of the 'wrong' guys, she gets jealous and has petty fights with her friends. It's still definitely romanticized, but I want the romanticized love life and epic story without the heartbreak, the ups without the downs.
Right now, I'm in the middle of the first of three books set after her high school graduation. She, her boyfriend, and her best friend travel around Europe after Christy's been working in an orphanage in Switzerland for a school year. I was like...I would LOVE to do that. I want to work in an orphanage, to travel around Europe with my best friends, to be so sure of God's leading and God's will. But...do I want to do it because it sounds like a 'cool' thing to do? Except it doesn't...Christy only feels stressed and drained from working in the orphanage. She decides it's not the thing she wants to do. I want that experience, to do something crazy and awesome, but most importantly to do something.
Ach I want money to not be a concern, for me to know where I'm going and why God's given me the passions I have. I want to get my master's in social work, but definitely not right after Biola. But then what do I do in the meantime? I feel like I ask a lot of questions and never get answers; the questions only pile up bigger and bigger. I think my pile of wants and wishes does the same thing...gets bigger and bigger, even the wish that my list of questions would get smaller and that I'd get a couple answers. The only answer I have now is to wait...just wait. I'm not a big fan of that answer. I want a 'better' one, with a step-by-step plan and specific instructions. Maybe this time next year I'll have a couple answers. I think my plan now is to try, to look into opportunities in what I want to do and to try or make plans based on my desires and what I think God's will might be. God needs to be the center of my hopes and dreams and plans, not me and not anyone else. I'm working towards that...slowly.
I don't know if I'm being too dramatic or reading too much into it, but I've thought of that scene and if that would be me some day, if I'd have to give up someone I really liked because it was God's will. I'd rather have the happy ending that Christy does than her heartbreaking middle or the emotional roller coaster that comes in the beginning of the series. She has doubts, she dates a couple of the 'wrong' guys, she gets jealous and has petty fights with her friends. It's still definitely romanticized, but I want the romanticized love life and epic story without the heartbreak, the ups without the downs.
Right now, I'm in the middle of the first of three books set after her high school graduation. She, her boyfriend, and her best friend travel around Europe after Christy's been working in an orphanage in Switzerland for a school year. I was like...I would LOVE to do that. I want to work in an orphanage, to travel around Europe with my best friends, to be so sure of God's leading and God's will. But...do I want to do it because it sounds like a 'cool' thing to do? Except it doesn't...Christy only feels stressed and drained from working in the orphanage. She decides it's not the thing she wants to do. I want that experience, to do something crazy and awesome, but most importantly to do something.
Ach I want money to not be a concern, for me to know where I'm going and why God's given me the passions I have. I want to get my master's in social work, but definitely not right after Biola. But then what do I do in the meantime? I feel like I ask a lot of questions and never get answers; the questions only pile up bigger and bigger. I think my pile of wants and wishes does the same thing...gets bigger and bigger, even the wish that my list of questions would get smaller and that I'd get a couple answers. The only answer I have now is to wait...just wait. I'm not a big fan of that answer. I want a 'better' one, with a step-by-step plan and specific instructions. Maybe this time next year I'll have a couple answers. I think my plan now is to try, to look into opportunities in what I want to do and to try or make plans based on my desires and what I think God's will might be. God needs to be the center of my hopes and dreams and plans, not me and not anyone else. I'm working towards that...slowly.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Desparately need You
I'm very conflicted about a lot of things. Tonight, or this week I guess, Biola is doing some 'Gender Impact' chapels and things. Tonight, there was one called 'Gender Myths,' a message and discussion by Jonalyn and Dale Fincher. I really liked it; I agreed with most of what they said. I guess I'll tell you what they said before I talk about my tumbling, confused thoughts.
They talked a lot about myths or stereotypes that just aren't true and the way our culture marginalizes both genders in how we talk and think about ourselves and one another, making a path for domestic violence and rape. Those two things wouldn't come out of a culture with a healthy understanding of and respect for both genders and gender differences. They talked about a survey given to elementary school kids, in which they were asked 'what if you woke up tomorrow morning as the other gender?' Most of the girls said they'd rather still be girls but gave benefits of being boys (shooting hoops after breakfast, being chose to demonstrate a sport in PE, etc.). Most of the boys, however, were horrified. Some said they would kill themselves before they'd be a girl and said how they would do it too, whether stabbing themselves or taking a bottle of kids. Gender and differences and the apparent superiority of one is taught subconsciously and at a young age.
Ach...I have so many thoughts, relating to tonight and other books I've read and my theology class in which we're talking about women in the church and it's so frustrating. I feel so picky sometimes, picking up subtle nuances and motivation behind the phrasing of a word of the one someone uses that makes me chafe against what they say, even though I might agree with their actual point. I think I chafe against motivations behind what they say, that women should be submissive and men leaders. In my small group communication class, we talked about how the best business/small group leaders have more androgynous traits, traits traditionally attributed to both genders. It's a topic I'm interested in and have stayed up way way too late talking and debating about before. I think it's hard because the picky nuances matter. They show things about the culture and subtle ways that show what someone actually thinks and not just what they're saying. Choosing a tone or a specific word reveals cultural biases that aren't Biblical, as much as submission to God and differences between men ad women are.
I'm still not quite sure what I think and have even less confidence in my ability to articulate it correctly without frustrating myself completely or taking five pages to do so. I will say that I do believe that men and women were created by God to be different; He made our bodies obviously differently and I think He made our souls and our whole being different from one another also. I definitely don't think that means that all women are the same or all men are the same. But we reflect and show God's image differently. I think He can gift men and women equally and that we have equal access to God; it's not the man who receives God's will and the woman who follows her husband or someone that's not God. I think that God has a will for my life separate from any possible husband or anyone else. I'm still not sure if God has missions in my future or not, and I question sometimes if I'm strong enough to go alone. In a lot of ways, I look for friends and people to surround me that complement my strengths. In a lot of ways, I need someone with me who's more outgoing when I'm reserved, more of an idea person when I can focus on follow thru, more communicative and able to handle conflict. But could these areas be met in a ministry team? Ugh...maybe I should save this discussion for another time, another day, another blog. It would be another 10 pages of wondering and wandering around in circles, looking for an answer. I want to be okay in not having the answers, in being clueless and fumbling for my next step.
I want a lot of things, I have a lot of questions. I think I'm going to take them all and go to bed. Good night.
They talked a lot about myths or stereotypes that just aren't true and the way our culture marginalizes both genders in how we talk and think about ourselves and one another, making a path for domestic violence and rape. Those two things wouldn't come out of a culture with a healthy understanding of and respect for both genders and gender differences. They talked about a survey given to elementary school kids, in which they were asked 'what if you woke up tomorrow morning as the other gender?' Most of the girls said they'd rather still be girls but gave benefits of being boys (shooting hoops after breakfast, being chose to demonstrate a sport in PE, etc.). Most of the boys, however, were horrified. Some said they would kill themselves before they'd be a girl and said how they would do it too, whether stabbing themselves or taking a bottle of kids. Gender and differences and the apparent superiority of one is taught subconsciously and at a young age.
Ach...I have so many thoughts, relating to tonight and other books I've read and my theology class in which we're talking about women in the church and it's so frustrating. I feel so picky sometimes, picking up subtle nuances and motivation behind the phrasing of a word of the one someone uses that makes me chafe against what they say, even though I might agree with their actual point. I think I chafe against motivations behind what they say, that women should be submissive and men leaders. In my small group communication class, we talked about how the best business/small group leaders have more androgynous traits, traits traditionally attributed to both genders. It's a topic I'm interested in and have stayed up way way too late talking and debating about before. I think it's hard because the picky nuances matter. They show things about the culture and subtle ways that show what someone actually thinks and not just what they're saying. Choosing a tone or a specific word reveals cultural biases that aren't Biblical, as much as submission to God and differences between men ad women are.
I'm still not quite sure what I think and have even less confidence in my ability to articulate it correctly without frustrating myself completely or taking five pages to do so. I will say that I do believe that men and women were created by God to be different; He made our bodies obviously differently and I think He made our souls and our whole being different from one another also. I definitely don't think that means that all women are the same or all men are the same. But we reflect and show God's image differently. I think He can gift men and women equally and that we have equal access to God; it's not the man who receives God's will and the woman who follows her husband or someone that's not God. I think that God has a will for my life separate from any possible husband or anyone else. I'm still not sure if God has missions in my future or not, and I question sometimes if I'm strong enough to go alone. In a lot of ways, I look for friends and people to surround me that complement my strengths. In a lot of ways, I need someone with me who's more outgoing when I'm reserved, more of an idea person when I can focus on follow thru, more communicative and able to handle conflict. But could these areas be met in a ministry team? Ugh...maybe I should save this discussion for another time, another day, another blog. It would be another 10 pages of wondering and wandering around in circles, looking for an answer. I want to be okay in not having the answers, in being clueless and fumbling for my next step.
I want a lot of things, I have a lot of questions. I think I'm going to take them all and go to bed. Good night.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the fortieth time...just jump and see if we can fly
This semester has sucked. I'll get to the positive part later, but I'm not feeling particularly positive at the moment so I'm going with that now. I hate my schedule - my days are all long an they start too early. On my best weekday, I still have 6 hours of class - 3 of the back to back to back. I'm not a fan of group projects and I should have realized before I signed up for small group communication that we'd probably be doing a lot of group work but I didn't. I have to do reflections and meditations and prayer projects for 3 different classes, which is way too much so instead of any of them being beneficial or accomplishing their intended purpose, they're just tedious and I make things up for them. Right now I'm working on a ministry-related project which I was excited for but not I hate it too. It's probably not even going to be used but I want to make it really good but that's time consuming and I don't want to do it any more.
I hate feeling like an insecure seventh grader again. Even when I know that what I'm thinking is ridiculous, it's still such a battle to convince myself otherwise. I can tell when I've been spending too much time alone because I get like this, complaining and self-pitying, but I don't know how to change it. I'm not the one that's going to go out and invite myself to do things with people. I want people to want me around so I end up sitting around and being miserable because no one indicates that they do. I've felt like I've been growing in this, but today I'm back at the bottom, at the beginning. But have I grown? Or just withdrawn and ignored any negative feelings that if I talked about them could make people mad at me? Because I know that I tend to do that and that ignoring them doesn't help at all. I hate advice. I hate people telling me what to do or what I could do or should do. I really want to break something that would break really awesomely, like throw my laptop or my cellphone against my brick wall. That would be the right amount of destructiveness. Throwing my sweatshirt on the couch isn't good enough and slamming my door seems childish, especially since it would be so loud on my hall and alert the other 60 girls that I just slammed my door.
This semester has easily been the hardest I've had so far. My semester in Uganda was hard, but I felt like I learned so much and I was trying new things and I whitewater rafted and saw elephants less than 100 feet from our safari van...it was a really different experience. This semester, I'm in the same place with the same people...learning still, but without the new experiences and everything. It's been hard for a few different reasons and overall probably good for me...but not pleasant.
The positive part I mentioned earlier is that even though this has been my worst semester of school, one that I will be glad to see the end of, it's been the one when I've grown the most especially spiritually, realizing my complete dependence on God. And yes, I'm dependent on Him even when I'm happy...but having a lot taken away from me and feeling abandoned when I need people around me the most has pushed me into God's arms. I've journaled so much more this semester, not as much as n Uganda, but more than I would have in a normal year or two. I don't know why I want to document so much negativity, but it helps. And despite how negative and depressed I feel at times, I know that I have grown. I'm not the same person I was two months ago. I'm more confused definitely, especially about my future - not knowing why God would invest in me such a heart for youth in the US and children and youth elsewhere or...well, so many why questions race around around, giving me a different answer every day. But maybe certainty or striving for contentment in my uncertainty. It's okay that I don't know what I'm doing now or what I will be doing later; God does. He knows me, my path, everything.
I hate feeling like an insecure seventh grader again. Even when I know that what I'm thinking is ridiculous, it's still such a battle to convince myself otherwise. I can tell when I've been spending too much time alone because I get like this, complaining and self-pitying, but I don't know how to change it. I'm not the one that's going to go out and invite myself to do things with people. I want people to want me around so I end up sitting around and being miserable because no one indicates that they do. I've felt like I've been growing in this, but today I'm back at the bottom, at the beginning. But have I grown? Or just withdrawn and ignored any negative feelings that if I talked about them could make people mad at me? Because I know that I tend to do that and that ignoring them doesn't help at all. I hate advice. I hate people telling me what to do or what I could do or should do. I really want to break something that would break really awesomely, like throw my laptop or my cellphone against my brick wall. That would be the right amount of destructiveness. Throwing my sweatshirt on the couch isn't good enough and slamming my door seems childish, especially since it would be so loud on my hall and alert the other 60 girls that I just slammed my door.
This semester has easily been the hardest I've had so far. My semester in Uganda was hard, but I felt like I learned so much and I was trying new things and I whitewater rafted and saw elephants less than 100 feet from our safari van...it was a really different experience. This semester, I'm in the same place with the same people...learning still, but without the new experiences and everything. It's been hard for a few different reasons and overall probably good for me...but not pleasant.
The positive part I mentioned earlier is that even though this has been my worst semester of school, one that I will be glad to see the end of, it's been the one when I've grown the most especially spiritually, realizing my complete dependence on God. And yes, I'm dependent on Him even when I'm happy...but having a lot taken away from me and feeling abandoned when I need people around me the most has pushed me into God's arms. I've journaled so much more this semester, not as much as n Uganda, but more than I would have in a normal year or two. I don't know why I want to document so much negativity, but it helps. And despite how negative and depressed I feel at times, I know that I have grown. I'm not the same person I was two months ago. I'm more confused definitely, especially about my future - not knowing why God would invest in me such a heart for youth in the US and children and youth elsewhere or...well, so many why questions race around around, giving me a different answer every day. But maybe certainty or striving for contentment in my uncertainty. It's okay that I don't know what I'm doing now or what I will be doing later; God does. He knows me, my path, everything.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Please don't fight, these hands that are holding you
Grief comes to my door uninvited
With unwelcome friends 'round about
'Much work to be done here,' he muses
As his work begins, I cry out...
'Loneliness, leave me alone,
Work gently, but quickly, oh Pain!
Tears, stop flowing, you tire me so.
How long must Grief call my name?'
'Come, sit close and stay awhile
With Pain and Tears,' says he.
'Loneliness also will be here
With Sorrow and Misery.'
'Loneliness also will be here
With Sorrow and Misery.'
'Visit with Sorrow; spend time with Pain.
Let Tears become your friend.
And day by day these friends begin
Let Tears become your friend.
And day by day these friends begin
To guide your Grief to its 'end.'
Sorrow turns into memories,
Time spent with pain becomes strength.
Loneliness bows to peace of mind,
And time with Grief becomes well spent.
So Loneliness, come sit with me.
Let time be our friend, of Pain.
Tears, flow freely, if you must,
While Grief softly whispers my name.
Sorrow turns into memories,
Time spent with pain becomes strength.
Loneliness bows to peace of mind,
And time with Grief becomes well spent.
So Loneliness, come sit with me.
Let time be our friend, of Pain.
Tears, flow freely, if you must,
While Grief softly whispers my name.
-Nancy Fitts, January 2001
I don't like to think of myself as grieving. It seems...overly dramatic and more serious than I'd like to regard my life as. A period or season of grief does not seem appealing at all. No thanks God, can I have cake instead? Can't I know Your love and Your comfort without seeing all of the edges, without facing less pleasant things? Why do You choose suffering and grief to shape us? In that list somewhere in the Bible, we have perseverance, character, and hope because of sufferings...but why choose tribulation and trials as the first part of that list, the first part of the test?
I'm also in an Acts class and was reading about Saul's early life after his conversion. I think I always somehow thought that Saul was converted on the road to Damascus and then maybe a couple weeks r months later he's thrown in jail with Silas and the doors fall off of their jail cells. According to the author of the book I'm reading, he spent three years out in the desert, tried to go to Jerusalem, but the apostles ship him back to his hometown where he waits for five or six or eight years. That's eleven years or more after his conversion and amazing commission from Jesus. Eleven years of solitude definitely and probably suffering. His family probably wasn't going to accept him back home in Tarsus, so he's just hanging out...in a cave?
I've been frustrated at waiting a month. I'd like to hear from God where I'm going and what I'm doing now. I mean...a month ago Rusty and I broke up so we could both seek God's will. I sometimes feel like I'm no closer to knowing than I was then. Or what I have thought about, I don't know if I decided on it because I like the answer it gives or if it is from God. This also conflicts with the fact that God can use me anywhere, in the US or elsewhere and that no matter what I imagine or plan now, my life will not turn out like I've planned. It's a little bit...terrifying. Not knowing when waiting will be over or even how to know when it is. Paul got a visit from Barnabas inviting him to come to Antioch. What would be my equivalent?
There's been so much going on in my head; it'd be impossible to put it all down in a blog. Round and round, up and down, all over the place - those are my thoughts. I wish they'd stop, give me peace, let me just focus on other things. I wish I didn't know how badly I need to rely on God, for comfort, for strength, for everything. I wish I could still think that I'm independent, a strong woman. I wish I didn't know how weak I am, know my complete reliance on God - not only for the one time salvation but for ongoing sanctification, the ongoing process of becoming more holy and more like Christ.
Ugh. I wouldn't quite say that lie is good right now, but I do know - with my head - that growth is good and that God is good. I just wish I could learn things differently, more easily.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Trusting God
I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
Psalm 31:7-9
But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:1-2
Dependency is such a negative quality in American culture, especially in women I think. We're taught to be so self-sufficient, that we don't need to rely on other people to meet our needs. It's not attractive or okay really to admit that you need someone or something, that I can't stand by myself. I'm learning, in a not-so-pleasant way to be dependent, to rely on God. I have no idea where my future's heading, what it will look like, what I'm going to do. It's easier to believe that I can rely on myself when I can see my future, when I'm content and comfortable in my life now, when...I don't know. I wish I didn't have to learn dependence and obedience the hard way. I wish it came naturally, that it was easy and I didn't have to learn by experience. But God's will is better than mine, right? His ways, His thoughts are higher than mine. It's a slow, painful process of learning, but I know the lesson is worth learning. I have to believe that it is, that God is faithful and trustworthy. I have to believe that He has a plan and knows more than I do or...I don't know how I'd be. Well I guess if I wasn't listening to Him and trusting Him, I wouldn't be here now in this situation. I've heard before that it's easier to trust God in brokenness and in want. Painful times are often good growing periods for a lot of people and as much as I wish I grew without the pain, I'm hoping it's a good refining process.
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
Psalm 31:7-9
But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:1-2
Dependency is such a negative quality in American culture, especially in women I think. We're taught to be so self-sufficient, that we don't need to rely on other people to meet our needs. It's not attractive or okay really to admit that you need someone or something, that I can't stand by myself. I'm learning, in a not-so-pleasant way to be dependent, to rely on God. I have no idea where my future's heading, what it will look like, what I'm going to do. It's easier to believe that I can rely on myself when I can see my future, when I'm content and comfortable in my life now, when...I don't know. I wish I didn't have to learn dependence and obedience the hard way. I wish it came naturally, that it was easy and I didn't have to learn by experience. But God's will is better than mine, right? His ways, His thoughts are higher than mine. It's a slow, painful process of learning, but I know the lesson is worth learning. I have to believe that it is, that God is faithful and trustworthy. I have to believe that He has a plan and knows more than I do or...I don't know how I'd be. Well I guess if I wasn't listening to Him and trusting Him, I wouldn't be here now in this situation. I've heard before that it's easier to trust God in brokenness and in want. Painful times are often good growing periods for a lot of people and as much as I wish I grew without the pain, I'm hoping it's a good refining process.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
A year from Kampala and digestive biscuits...
Uganda doesn't feel a year away. It doesn't feel like it's been a year since I walked in the red dirt across campus, learned how delicious Fanta Passion is, or was given a Lugandan name. In a lot of ways I feel like I've just assimilated back into American life too quickly, too easily. When people ask about Uganda, I never have any idea what to say. I don't know how to articulate what I learned, how much it changed me or how much more I wish it had changed me. I don't know how to change how I act, how to let the things I learned actually affect how I think and what I do. I mean, there's the fun stories about rafting/thinking I could die or the safari and being feet away fro a hippo in the campsite. But I don't know how to describe the little things, like adjusting to food and finding food that I miss so much here, to not really thinking that my host families were poor and needed a better way of life. Going to Uganda changed my view on missions, made me understand it a little less. There were mission teams that went from Biola to Uganda and Kenya and I just wanted to ask them why, to ask what they were going to do. What do we have to offer Uganda? But I still want to go, still want to do something, somewhere that matters. I'm just less sure of what that is.
My dorm room is covered with memories of Uganda, with fabric-like pictures to pictures I took and other miscellaneous decorations. The shirt I'm wearing today is one I bought there. But seeing these things doesn't change me. I made a list at the end of last semester and I wish I could read it. I want to see all of the things I was so determined to do. So many things seem superficial and wasteful, but I tend to just ignore it, to push it aside.
I miss Uganda. I don't think I'll ever be back, but I miss the experience, the people. Sometimes I want to say Ugandan things to people but they wouldn't understand. I want to tell people they look smart or...other common Ugandan phrases or sentences that took me a little while to understand before. I want people to ask me more about my semester. I...I don't know what else. I want to see how this has changed me.
My dorm room is covered with memories of Uganda, with fabric-like pictures to pictures I took and other miscellaneous decorations. The shirt I'm wearing today is one I bought there. But seeing these things doesn't change me. I made a list at the end of last semester and I wish I could read it. I want to see all of the things I was so determined to do. So many things seem superficial and wasteful, but I tend to just ignore it, to push it aside.
I miss Uganda. I don't think I'll ever be back, but I miss the experience, the people. Sometimes I want to say Ugandan things to people but they wouldn't understand. I want to tell people they look smart or...other common Ugandan phrases or sentences that took me a little while to understand before. I want people to ask me more about my semester. I...I don't know what else. I want to see how this has changed me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)