There's no such thing as a free lunch.

There's also no such thing as a cheap t-shirt. Last summer, I read a book called Everyday Justice, about the things that normal people can do or change in their everyday lives in order to pursue justice in the world. The author calls them 'tweaks' to the way we already do things. Most people can't or won't completely overhaul their lifestyle of habits, but by changing some things in how we live, we can pursue God's justice in the world.

One of the main things that sticks with me is the idea of thinking of 'hidden costs.' I was raised to look for bargains and good deals in everything, to buy cheap. My parents are both very...frugal, which isn't a negaitve thing at all. But a lot of things that we buy for cheap come at great cost to others. Thinking about the fact that the Biola t-shirt I'm wearing right now could have likely been made by a junior high girl, working 80 hours a week, and also possibly expected to have sex with her employer makes me a little disgusted with myself. But it's not always enough disgusted to keep me from buying a cheap shirt at Kohl's or Old Navy, two stores that I love. It's far enough removed that I can go without thinking about it for a long time. And buying clothes ethically does seen way too overwhelming, since I haven't found any actual stores and I'm not a huge fan of buying online.

After I read the book, I decided to go this school year without buying clothes, primarily to seek out places to ethically buy my clothing. I haven't quite made it, but I also haven't bought as much as I would have otherwise. I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do when the school year is over. Fairtrade clothes are a lot more expensive, because the workers that made it are paid legally (Labor cost is generally .04% of what we pay for an article of clothing). I don't have the money to spend, so hopefully it'll make me think more carefully about what I buy and I can buy more intentionally and whatnot. That's the goal at least and I've got a month and a half (!) until the end of the school year to figure it all out.

Vaya con Dios.


http://www.newdream.org/marketplace/clothing.php

 http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/documentary_archive/6564445.stm

A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement.

She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, “Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can’t save all these starfish. You can’t begin to make a difference!”

The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean. Then she looked up at the man and replied,

“Well, I made a difference to that one!”

There are more important things in life than my no-longer-a-teenager angst, my love for The Office and Harry Potter, and my eagerness to graduate. That might be all for this month.

Til I see Your face, see it shining through

I want to graduate so badly. I'm having a hard time with this last semester and being...present, I guess. I think so much about the future, about living in AZ and finding a job and getting an apartment that I can't enjoy the time I have here and now. I feel like I no longer have any friends; I only really talk to my roommates and the people in my classes. It's like...well, I'm not going to be here in 4 months and you can't keep all your friends from college anyways, so why try? Sometimes, I am ridiculous.
I'm also basically incapable of doing homework. I'm typing and doing so well on a paper...and then suddenly I'm on Facebook and I don't even know how it happened. I tend to go for a reward system with myself and homework, like I get to get dinner after I finish this section or this assignment, I get to check Facebook, I get to watch The Office. It's pretty effective, except when the lazy part of my brain takes over and forcibly drags me away from doing homework without me realizing.
I really like Elisabeth Elliot. I wish we could have been friends. Except she would not approve of my laziness.
Um...I don't really have anything else to say. I'm bored. And sleepy. Too tired  for homework (obviously) but not tired enough for sleep.  I'll go read instead.

Vaya con Dios.

And so each step she’s taking is a step of faith toward who she’ll be

I don't want to only blog when I'm all melancholy and lame. This is about my life and my life has the valleys, but the mountains too and I've been doing pretty good lately. I got to go home this past weekend and it was super awesome. I got to see and hang out with my family a lot and also with my friends at home. My sister told me that I need to find a man RIGHT NOW and even wanted to pick up a guy off the street for me. My two best friends are both engaged now which is super exciting. Me and Becky talked about things for her bridal shower and bachelorette party, both of which are going to be so excellent since I'll probably be planning and such. On a side note, Firefox does not think that 'bachelorette' is a word. What's up with that?

Anyways, hmmm...life life life. Life right now is a lot of homework and interning. I'm at a group home about 20 minutes from my school and it's awesome and frustrating and challenging and great. I like going and I love the kids, but kids who've been neglected for the majority of their lives tend to act out more and act more immaturely than they should. I like most of the staff, but adjusting to three different staff groups with different opinions about me and what my role is can be confusing.

God is great too. I don't like the valley part of life and such, but learning the lesson is so great. I was reading part of The Screwtape Letters yesterday and it was talking about how God uses the hard time to come nearer to people. The book is written as a collection of letters from one demon, Screwtape, to his nephew Wormwood about how to lure a man away from God, whom he calls The Enemy. He talks about how God wants to preserve and give us free will, so oftentimes He'll in a sense "back off" and let us figure things out by ourselves, but that He may also speak to us more clearly in those times. Screwtape says that a man is truly lost to their cause when he can be in darkness, unable to see or hear or feel God, and still trust Him and put their confidence in Him. I've never really read a lot of the book so it was really interesting and so true. It made me think about my life a lot. I've never hit 'rock bottom' or whatnot and felt totally alone and depressed. This isn't an "I'm so awesome because I did what God said" either. It's...I don't know. I don't really have a plan as to what to write. I haven't totally learned the lesson yet, but I have and am learning to be confident with God's plans and God's timing, even when I have no idea what it is and even when I'm so frustrated. Like now. Ugh. Reading it was also interesting because I do feel like God is more distant now that I'm 'better' and definitely that I don't seek Him as much, which is definitely a problem. I'm working on it.

But back to my original point, life is great. It really is. Not like a fake great where really it sucks but I don't wan to announce that online or even a mediocre. There are things that aren't good and things/people that frustrate me, but there are a lot more that bring me joy, like hanging out and laughing with my sister and getting Taco Bell and sharing  testimonies with an awesome girl I just met. I'm really excited for life and what God has in store.

Vaya con Dios.

Tired of the eggshells we've been walking on

Sometimes...I am ridiculous. Sometimes I completely understand why men say that women are complicated. I don't think that all women are all the time...but I definitely have the moments where someone else would need a dotted line and an X to mark the spot to understand what I'm thinking. Just sometimes though. But that's not the point of what I'm trying to say.

Today at my internship, one of the girls in the group home did not want to do her homework at all. She was pretending to be a dead possum and running around in circles and eating chips and talking to the staff members there, anything to keep from doing the one last division problem on her worksheet. At one point, her house mom told her that her homework wasn't just going to go away; that it'd still be there when she was done doing what she was doing. It made me think, because I do that a lot. I hope that problems go away if I don't have to deal with them, don't have to talk about them. That how I feel about a situation or whatnot will change if I ignore it and act like everything's fine. Or even when I know that it's not a good way to handle anything, I still do it. It's ridiculous.

I've been listening to Taylor Swift today because it just feels like a Taylor Swift sort of day. Does that make sense? Anyways, so Taylor Swift mixed with some Hawk Nelson stuck in my head and coupled with thinking about my problems not going away made me all melancholy. Thinking about all the things I've left unsaid, the situations and relationships with so much that I don't want to talk about, so much I want to ignore and pretend like I'm doing just great. But sometimes, writing about it helps and brings me out of my funk, at least for the night.

Vaya con Dios. Happy Valentine's Day!


you're beautiful
every little piece, love, don't you know
you're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
when you find everything you've looked for
i hope your life leads you back to my door
oh but if it don't, stay beautiful