Please don't fight, these hands that are holding you

Grief comes to my door uninvited

With unwelcome friends 'round about

'Much work to be done here,' he muses

As his work begins, I cry out...

'Loneliness, leave me alone,

Work gently, but quickly, oh Pain!

Tears, stop flowing, you tire me so.

How long must Grief call my name?'

'Come, sit close and stay awhile

With Pain and Tears,' says he.
'Loneliness also will be here
With Sorrow and Misery.'

'Visit with Sorrow; spend time with Pain.
Let Tears become your friend.
And day by day these friends begin

To guide your Grief to its 'end.'

Sorrow turns into memories,
Time spent with pain becomes strength.
Loneliness bows to peace of mind,
And time with Grief becomes well spent.

So Loneliness, come sit with me.
Let time be our friend, of Pain.
Tears, flow freely, if you must,
While Grief softly whispers my name.

-Nancy Fitts, January 2001                           

A woman who works at Biola shared that poem that she write at the Beloved this morning, the women's discipleship group I'm a part of here at school. In our small group, Charlotte, Elyse, and I talked about the poem, about regarding grief as a friend, about not trying to hurry grief or sorrow along, about...a lot of things. One of the first things Nancy shared is that grief is a gift from God and that grief doesn't refer solely to the death of a loved one. Admittedly, there are greater and larger sorrows, but losing a relationship, giving up a dream, or facing a changing relationship can also be processes full of grief.

I don't like to think of myself as grieving. It seems...overly dramatic and more serious than I'd like to regard my life as. A period or season of grief does not seem appealing at all. No thanks God, can I have cake instead? Can't I know Your love and Your comfort without seeing all of the edges, without facing less pleasant things? Why do You choose suffering and grief to shape us? In that list somewhere in the Bible, we have perseverance, character, and hope because of sufferings...but why choose tribulation and trials as the first part of that list, the first part of the test?

I'm also in an Acts class and was reading about Saul's early life after his conversion. I think I always somehow thought that Saul was converted on the road to Damascus and then maybe a couple weeks r months later he's thrown in jail with Silas and the doors fall off of their jail cells. According to the author of the book I'm reading, he spent three years out in the desert, tried to go to Jerusalem, but the apostles ship him back to his hometown where he waits for five or six or eight years. That's eleven years or more after his conversion and amazing commission from Jesus. Eleven years of solitude definitely and probably suffering. His family probably wasn't going to accept him back home in Tarsus, so he's just hanging out...in a cave?

I've been frustrated at waiting a month. I'd like to hear from God where I'm going and what I'm doing now. I mean...a month ago Rusty and I broke up so we could both seek God's will. I sometimes feel like I'm no closer to knowing than I was then. Or what I have thought about, I don't know if I decided on it because I like the answer it gives or if it is from God. This also conflicts with the fact that God can use me anywhere, in the US or elsewhere and that no matter what I imagine or plan now, my life will not turn out like I've planned. It's a little bit...terrifying. Not knowing when waiting will be over or even how to know when it is. Paul got a visit from Barnabas inviting him to come to Antioch. What would be my equivalent?

There's been so much going on in my head; it'd be impossible to put it all down in a blog. Round and round, up and down, all over the place - those are my thoughts. I wish they'd stop, give me peace, let me just focus on other things. I wish I didn't know how badly I need to rely on God, for comfort, for strength, for everything. I wish I could still think that I'm independent, a strong woman. I wish I didn't know how weak I am, know my complete reliance on God - not only for the one time salvation but for ongoing sanctification, the ongoing process of becoming more holy and more like Christ.

Ugh. I wouldn't quite say that lie is good right now, but I do know - with my head - that growth is good and that God is good. I just wish I could learn things differently, more easily.