This semester has sucked. I'll get to the positive part later, but I'm not feeling particularly positive at the moment so I'm going with that now. I hate my schedule - my days are all long an they start too early. On my best weekday, I still have 6 hours of class - 3 of the back to back to back. I'm not a fan of group projects and I should have realized before I signed up for small group communication that we'd probably be doing a lot of group work but I didn't. I have to do reflections and meditations and prayer projects for 3 different classes, which is way too much so instead of any of them being beneficial or accomplishing their intended purpose, they're just tedious and I make things up for them. Right now I'm working on a ministry-related project which I was excited for but not I hate it too. It's probably not even going to be used but I want to make it really good but that's time consuming and I don't want to do it any more.
I hate feeling like an insecure seventh grader again. Even when I know that what I'm thinking is ridiculous, it's still such a battle to convince myself otherwise. I can tell when I've been spending too much time alone because I get like this, complaining and self-pitying, but I don't know how to change it. I'm not the one that's going to go out and invite myself to do things with people. I want people to want me around so I end up sitting around and being miserable because no one indicates that they do. I've felt like I've been growing in this, but today I'm back at the bottom, at the beginning. But have I grown? Or just withdrawn and ignored any negative feelings that if I talked about them could make people mad at me? Because I know that I tend to do that and that ignoring them doesn't help at all. I hate advice. I hate people telling me what to do or what I could do or should do. I really want to break something that would break really awesomely, like throw my laptop or my cellphone against my brick wall. That would be the right amount of destructiveness. Throwing my sweatshirt on the couch isn't good enough and slamming my door seems childish, especially since it would be so loud on my hall and alert the other 60 girls that I just slammed my door.
This semester has easily been the hardest I've had so far. My semester in Uganda was hard, but I felt like I learned so much and I was trying new things and I whitewater rafted and saw elephants less than 100 feet from our safari van...it was a really different experience. This semester, I'm in the same place with the same people...learning still, but without the new experiences and everything. It's been hard for a few different reasons and overall probably good for me...but not pleasant.
The positive part I mentioned earlier is that even though this has been my worst semester of school, one that I will be glad to see the end of, it's been the one when I've grown the most especially spiritually, realizing my complete dependence on God. And yes, I'm dependent on Him even when I'm happy...but having a lot taken away from me and feeling abandoned when I need people around me the most has pushed me into God's arms. I've journaled so much more this semester, not as much as n Uganda, but more than I would have in a normal year or two. I don't know why I want to document so much negativity, but it helps. And despite how negative and depressed I feel at times, I know that I have grown. I'm not the same person I was two months ago. I'm more confused definitely, especially about my future - not knowing why God would invest in me such a heart for youth in the US and children and youth elsewhere or...well, so many why questions race around around, giving me a different answer every day. But maybe certainty or striving for contentment in my uncertainty. It's okay that I don't know what I'm doing now or what I will be doing later; God does. He knows me, my path, everything.
