I am passive-aggressive. I've probably known this for a while but didn't have the specific word or definition to apply until last semester. In my small group communication class, a group did a presentation on conflict management styles: assertive, passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive. They said that passive-aggressive is the least healthy. I was like, 'hey...it's not the worst thing I could be.' In another class we were taking about conflict and how we respond to it, as a part of a whole personality test deal. Basically, my personality type will withdraw or give in when faced with conflict. In that class, she also gave us a list of responses to conflict, like attacking the other person, freezing them out, etc. The one that resonated the most with me was called something like 'Vengeance is Mine.' Basically, it means that I try to subtly 'punish' someone when I'm mad at them. The silent treatment is sometimes too obvious, so I still talk to and acknowledge someone I'm mad at, just in the least enthusiastic manner possible. They have really exciting news, I will reply with a 'that's great' and go back to what I was doing. I'm texting someone I'm upset with, they get short, curt answers with a period at the end. One word with a period...that is definitely the best way to communicate hurt feelings. Yes, I am so intelligent.
The thing is...I usually know I'm doing it too. It is a conscious decision to not be excited, to give curt answers over text or in person. Sometimes it's just if I've been hurt by someone and don't want to be again so I try to keep from investing in them, but sometimes I'm just mad and don't know how to handle conflict. Even when I'm being ridiculous, my head is yelling at me that I'm being stupid and I should apologize for being manipulative and we should talk about what's bothering me because it's obviously important. But the more scared part of me is usually more influential and it keeps me from saying anything. And even when I do realize my instincts and cut them off, I still don't say anything about whatever's bothering me. I just ignore it, pretend there's no problem, pretend I'm not still mad after 9. Nope, I'm doing just fine. My life is great, just busy with homework. It's so easy to hide everything and just say I'm doing good, my life is good, everything is good.
Communicating and conflict are not my greatest skills. Confronting someone involves mental planning, of what I'm going to say so that it comes out right and analyzing whether this really is important enough to say something and what the possible consequences. But then actually talking to someone and they immediately get defensive and I feel attacked and I am done with that conversation. I give in, you win, I am not talking about this any more. You keep thinking everything's fine and I'll just hold onto this bitterness that only comes out when I'm lonely. It's like my other post, satan knows what to use to get me. He knows my insecurities and fears as well as I do and he uses them against me in the worst way.
No matter how much better I like to think I'm doing, it's still the same old things over and over. I tell myself positive things, I try to handle things...but it's like it never really sinks in and I never really believe it. My head knows that I'm probably not always annoying, that I'm not ugly, that people do want to be friends with me...but the same messages keep coming back and hitting me in the face and they're impossible to get rid of. I know in my head that I've grown and changed a lot, especially in the past year, but then why do I still struggle with the exact same issues? Like the Relient K song, I struggle with forward motion. I struggle with really moving on, with being transformed, with relying on God and His strength. Ugh. Life just gets more complicated. I wish it didn't. I wish that one day I would have everything figured out, that I'd be at peace with who God made me to be, with how I look and act and think. I wish satan didn't have such a hold on me, that he didn't keep me so paralyzed with my own fears and insecurities. I wish that life would work how I wanted it to. That would definitely be awesome.
Vaya con Dios.
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