My life is not my own.
That's what I've been learning this past weekend especially. I went home and realized how much I missed Arizona weather. It seems crazy, because I've spent the past 21 years complaining about the heat, and wanting to go out of Arizona for college and maybe wanting to leave for after college, but I was glad to be home and appreciated the consistency in weather. As much as I don't always like the heat, it's nice to know that when I wake up it will be really hot and in the afternoon it will be really hot and at 11 pm it will be really hot. California weather is so temperamental and up and down and cloudy in the morning, but sweltering by 10:30, when I get off of work. Ugh.
But...back to learning. Through Stuff Christians Like and Troy talking at church this past weekend, I'm learning (or trying to) that my life and what I do with it isn't about my comfort zone, my preferences, and what I think I'd be best at. I'm not saying that God doesn't use the skills and passions He's given me in using me as a part of His plan, but my primary concern is and should be His plan, what He's doing, and were He's leading. The limited place where I'm comfortable is not the top of His list I don't think, because He can gift me to do anything or use me and work through me when and where I'm not gifted.
Another reason I'm really glad I went home this past weekend, besides having fun and hanging out with people, is hearing Troy's message at church Sunday morning and a brief one at youth worship night Sunday night. They were both awesome. He talked about being contagious as Christians rather than complacent and compromising. He talked along similar lines on Sunday night and what kept running through my head is that my life is not mine to dictate and control. It's not up to me to decide.
As a result of this idea and Troy's message this weekend, I signed up for a couple different ministries at Biola, at least to learn more. I did not sign up for the ministries involved in working with kids, even though that is always my first inclination. Working with kids is, to me, easiest. I'm comfortable teaching Sunday School to K-1st graders and working with preschoolers far more than being a camp counselor for junior high and high school students. For a long time, I've thought that God's plan for me is to work with kids as a career and as a service to Him. But especially in the past couple of years, working with Horizons students and praying with high school girls where I know that those were not my words coming out...maybe my love of kids and my ease and comfort in teaching and working with them doesn't equal God's plan for my future. Maybe God wants to stretch me more.
So at the ministry fair, I avoided the booths for child-related ministries and specifically signed up at 2 booths way outside my comfort zone, Women's Care in the social justice ministry and Brown Bag, which is ministry and friendship with the homeless. Both of these terrify me. I went to an info meeting for Women's Care tonight and they were talking with working with a home for women, 17 and over, teaching life skills classes and hosting book studies and writing letters to women in prison and I was like...um...I don't know how to do that. I am not quipped; maybe this isn't for me. Staying and listening though, I wanted to do it. Working with kids is easy and comfortable, but life isn't supposed to be easy and comfortable. I want to grow and learn and step outside the small arena that I feel totally comfortable in.
God's prepared the way before me; He's already present and working in whatever situation I find myself in, whether it's a castle with talking clocks or teaching life skills and discussing books with victims of sex trafficking. God is awesome.
I don't think Troy reads this, but if you do...thanks.
Vaya con Dios.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights and cups of coffee
I think blogging is like some sort of addiction. Once I start, I keep thinking of amazingly brilliant things to tell everyone. Or maybe I just like the feeling on my thoughts being in a computer and not all crammed in my head. I read in a book last week that journaling for a few minutes before you go to bed will help you sleep better. I have no doubt that it will, but I always just want to go to sleep so my thoughts are all stuck in my brain.
I just finished reading a Jodi Picoult book. She likes to write books about controversial things. They usually flash back and forth so you don't even really know what's going until a ways into it and she uses a lot of different people's points of view so it's even more confusing. There's also usually a court case of some sort and s dramatic revelation at the eleventh hour. I like her books; they're entertaining and easy to read. They're usually a good escape from having to think too much. But I did not like the one I just finished. I was really depressed after it. It was a story about a guy who was accused of raping a student at the school he used to teach at. After 8 months in jail, he moved somewhere new, started dating a girl, and then a girl in the new town accuses him of rape. Addie, the girl he starts dating, had been raped at the end of high school by 3 guys, 2 of whom still live in her small town. The accused rapist/teacher, Jack, stood by in college when his friends from the soccer team regularly gang raped girls. Since he was often the top scorer, he got to go first and just pretended the rest didn't happen. Then, very dramatically (to completely ruin the ending), after Jack wins the case, the author reveals that Gillian, the accuser, is regularly sexually abused by her dad, who also by the way was the leader of the group that raped Addie back in high school, along with the police chief. After I finished the last page, I wanted to cry.
I've joked before that authors have higher expectations or opinions of people that movie producers. Books are way more likely to end unhappily and the endings get changed when they're made into movies, like in Dear John and My Sister's Keeper. But sometimes, I just like happy endings. It's probably part of the reason I like Harry Potter so much. I always knew the ending was going to be basically happy, that Voldemort would die and all would be well. The books and authors I've been finding and reading more lately do not seem to like happy endings very much. I know that life isn't made up of happy endings and I don't like cheesiness, but I read to have a break from normal life. I think it's silly that a lot of Christian authors don't seem to think that Christians can live past the pioneer era, but I like those books. There's twists and conflict, but you know it's all going to be okay. You know it's not going to just end after a court trial with a father making out with his daughter.
I've been thinking about racism more too, because I'm in a Peoples of Ethnic America class, so we've been talking and reading about it. Sometimes I think that I like to pretend that racism doesn't really exist. That it's exaggerated and people are just lazy and...whatever else. We were talking about 'white privilege' in class today, about the idea or reality that white people have an advantage over people of other races, that merely by being white we don't suffer as much and aren't discriminated against. The author of the essay was female so she also talked about male privilege, that generally guys are privileged and have an advantage, just because they're male. They don't have to worry about the same sexism-related issues or wonder if the reason that someone talks like you're an idiot or doesn't acknowledge your contribution to a Bible discussion is because you're female. My opinions on women and our role must be selfishly rooted and emotionally driven. Why is t that even I am more impressed by a male writer who's more egalitarian than I am by a woman?
Life is too complicated. I wish I was at Hogwarts.
Vaya con Dios.
I just finished reading a Jodi Picoult book. She likes to write books about controversial things. They usually flash back and forth so you don't even really know what's going until a ways into it and she uses a lot of different people's points of view so it's even more confusing. There's also usually a court case of some sort and s dramatic revelation at the eleventh hour. I like her books; they're entertaining and easy to read. They're usually a good escape from having to think too much. But I did not like the one I just finished. I was really depressed after it. It was a story about a guy who was accused of raping a student at the school he used to teach at. After 8 months in jail, he moved somewhere new, started dating a girl, and then a girl in the new town accuses him of rape. Addie, the girl he starts dating, had been raped at the end of high school by 3 guys, 2 of whom still live in her small town. The accused rapist/teacher, Jack, stood by in college when his friends from the soccer team regularly gang raped girls. Since he was often the top scorer, he got to go first and just pretended the rest didn't happen. Then, very dramatically (to completely ruin the ending), after Jack wins the case, the author reveals that Gillian, the accuser, is regularly sexually abused by her dad, who also by the way was the leader of the group that raped Addie back in high school, along with the police chief. After I finished the last page, I wanted to cry.
I've joked before that authors have higher expectations or opinions of people that movie producers. Books are way more likely to end unhappily and the endings get changed when they're made into movies, like in Dear John and My Sister's Keeper. But sometimes, I just like happy endings. It's probably part of the reason I like Harry Potter so much. I always knew the ending was going to be basically happy, that Voldemort would die and all would be well. The books and authors I've been finding and reading more lately do not seem to like happy endings very much. I know that life isn't made up of happy endings and I don't like cheesiness, but I read to have a break from normal life. I think it's silly that a lot of Christian authors don't seem to think that Christians can live past the pioneer era, but I like those books. There's twists and conflict, but you know it's all going to be okay. You know it's not going to just end after a court trial with a father making out with his daughter.
I've been thinking about racism more too, because I'm in a Peoples of Ethnic America class, so we've been talking and reading about it. Sometimes I think that I like to pretend that racism doesn't really exist. That it's exaggerated and people are just lazy and...whatever else. We were talking about 'white privilege' in class today, about the idea or reality that white people have an advantage over people of other races, that merely by being white we don't suffer as much and aren't discriminated against. The author of the essay was female so she also talked about male privilege, that generally guys are privileged and have an advantage, just because they're male. They don't have to worry about the same sexism-related issues or wonder if the reason that someone talks like you're an idiot or doesn't acknowledge your contribution to a Bible discussion is because you're female. My opinions on women and our role must be selfishly rooted and emotionally driven. Why is t that even I am more impressed by a male writer who's more egalitarian than I am by a woman?
Life is too complicated. I wish I was at Hogwarts.
Vaya con Dios.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
You won't find grace without honesty
I wanted to share some things going on in my life lately. First, most people probably know that I love reading. I really enjoy reading, a whole lot and I have since I learned to when I was 4. However...I am going to be reading a WHOLE lot this semester, especially early on. I have 5 books each for 2 of my classes, 4 for another, and 3/2/1 for the others. It adds up to a total of 20 books. I will be reading 100% of all of these books except my giant history textbook, because the time period we're covering is only the last 2/3 of the book. So that's nice at least.
But this semester I'm more nervous about being able to do my schoolwork than I can remember being for any of my previous semesters. Looking at my schedule, with working and reading and homework, I'm like...can I really do all this? I've been busy and worked hard the past 3 years, but I've never truly been overwhelmed. I don't think I've ever felt like I can't do it. It feels like...real life. I'm in an apartment and I can make real dinner and I have things under a bathroom cabinet and a towel rack. Sorry...I'm so impressed by the awesomeness of not having to hang my wet towel off the end of my bed and keep food in my desk drawer. I don't even have to use a shower caddy. I'm like a real adult in a real apartment. But anyways, for my Gospel and Culture, the capstone for my Intercultural Studies classes, I have to write a 20-25 page paper and give a 15-minute presentation on it, like 'journal quality'. It's...legit. I don't know, it's just weird to think about being a real adult, having jobs that feel more real (a Research Assistant in the Christian Ministries department and doing office work in the cafe). I wear nice clothes, not my Facilities t-shirt and gross jeans.
Also, I really like the word awesome. This summer, I started an unofficial list in my head. It's called "People Who Are More Awesome than Me." I like to think that I am awesome, so it's just recognizing people I know and how/why they are more awesome than me, whether in general or at something specific. Yesterday, I had a 'you are more awesome than me' moment with my roommate Raeleen. She'd come in the apartment and wanted to turn the air colder and I didn't. I was pretty short with her and frustrated because I'm generally cold in our apartment. Anyways, she was going to turn it down and we talked and disagreed and then she went in her room. She came back to mine a few minutes later and asked me to forgive her for being insensitive. I was like...crap...I was a jerk. You are more awesome than me. I'm not good about asking for forgiveness. I know the Christian life isn't about comparisons at all, but it's more of a recognition of my shortcomings and things that I need to improve in. So now the lost of people who are more awesome than me has 3 people. It's still growing though; Raeleen's the only one from Biola who's made it on yet. The first two are from my church in AZ, Liz and Tiffany. Ugh. It's only going to get longer as I continue to recognize that I am not actually that awesome, I'm so imperfect. I don't like being overwhelmed and not very awesome.
The other thing I'm thinking about currently is how much I like Stuff Christians Like. Whether you read it or not, it is great. A lot of it really funny, and generally true. I really like that Jon Acuff, the author, is actually a Christian, like me. There was a blog a while ago called Stuff Christian Culture Likes, but it was a lot more sarcastic and mocking. Jon Acuff is super funny and comments on the culture that he is a part of and on himself a a pastor's kid. You should read it. It's my favorite. But some days, I'll read one that's like...a punch in the face. Yesterday I read a post about God's feelings regarding my 'comfort zone.' I really like my comfort zone, where I don't have to interact with people much and I can think I'm really awesome. It's like the colliding of thinking about the real world and realizing how much more awesome than me so many people are in seeing my comfort zone and realizing that God doesn't really like my comfort zone or want to give me the things that I selfishly want. It's...ridiculous. I wish I could know things and explain things and believe that I'm a good person living in a good world, but I don't really think that's true. Here's Jon Acuff's interpretation of God's reaction to my comfort zone:
"I don’t like your ‘comfort zone.’ For one thing, it’s something you create and you also turn to me less when you’re in your comfort zone. I want you out of your comfort zone. I want you dependent on me and if to do that I have to pull you out of your comfort zone, then I will. I am the only one that can create true comfort. I am the only one that can give you that gift. You are powerless to be truly comfortable outside of me. The adventure I am calling you to will not be comfortable by your definition of the word."
Vaya con Dios.
But this semester I'm more nervous about being able to do my schoolwork than I can remember being for any of my previous semesters. Looking at my schedule, with working and reading and homework, I'm like...can I really do all this? I've been busy and worked hard the past 3 years, but I've never truly been overwhelmed. I don't think I've ever felt like I can't do it. It feels like...real life. I'm in an apartment and I can make real dinner and I have things under a bathroom cabinet and a towel rack. Sorry...I'm so impressed by the awesomeness of not having to hang my wet towel off the end of my bed and keep food in my desk drawer. I don't even have to use a shower caddy. I'm like a real adult in a real apartment. But anyways, for my Gospel and Culture, the capstone for my Intercultural Studies classes, I have to write a 20-25 page paper and give a 15-minute presentation on it, like 'journal quality'. It's...legit. I don't know, it's just weird to think about being a real adult, having jobs that feel more real (a Research Assistant in the Christian Ministries department and doing office work in the cafe). I wear nice clothes, not my Facilities t-shirt and gross jeans.
Also, I really like the word awesome. This summer, I started an unofficial list in my head. It's called "People Who Are More Awesome than Me." I like to think that I am awesome, so it's just recognizing people I know and how/why they are more awesome than me, whether in general or at something specific. Yesterday, I had a 'you are more awesome than me' moment with my roommate Raeleen. She'd come in the apartment and wanted to turn the air colder and I didn't. I was pretty short with her and frustrated because I'm generally cold in our apartment. Anyways, she was going to turn it down and we talked and disagreed and then she went in her room. She came back to mine a few minutes later and asked me to forgive her for being insensitive. I was like...crap...I was a jerk. You are more awesome than me. I'm not good about asking for forgiveness. I know the Christian life isn't about comparisons at all, but it's more of a recognition of my shortcomings and things that I need to improve in. So now the lost of people who are more awesome than me has 3 people. It's still growing though; Raeleen's the only one from Biola who's made it on yet. The first two are from my church in AZ, Liz and Tiffany. Ugh. It's only going to get longer as I continue to recognize that I am not actually that awesome, I'm so imperfect. I don't like being overwhelmed and not very awesome.
The other thing I'm thinking about currently is how much I like Stuff Christians Like. Whether you read it or not, it is great. A lot of it really funny, and generally true. I really like that Jon Acuff, the author, is actually a Christian, like me. There was a blog a while ago called Stuff Christian Culture Likes, but it was a lot more sarcastic and mocking. Jon Acuff is super funny and comments on the culture that he is a part of and on himself a a pastor's kid. You should read it. It's my favorite. But some days, I'll read one that's like...a punch in the face. Yesterday I read a post about God's feelings regarding my 'comfort zone.' I really like my comfort zone, where I don't have to interact with people much and I can think I'm really awesome. It's like the colliding of thinking about the real world and realizing how much more awesome than me so many people are in seeing my comfort zone and realizing that God doesn't really like my comfort zone or want to give me the things that I selfishly want. It's...ridiculous. I wish I could know things and explain things and believe that I'm a good person living in a good world, but I don't really think that's true. Here's Jon Acuff's interpretation of God's reaction to my comfort zone:
"I don’t like your ‘comfort zone.’ For one thing, it’s something you create and you also turn to me less when you’re in your comfort zone. I want you out of your comfort zone. I want you dependent on me and if to do that I have to pull you out of your comfort zone, then I will. I am the only one that can create true comfort. I am the only one that can give you that gift. You are powerless to be truly comfortable outside of me. The adventure I am calling you to will not be comfortable by your definition of the word."
Vaya con Dios.
Monday, August 9, 2010
California girls, we're unforgettable.
I was going to post a blog last night, but I was way too tired so I wasn't making sense and I was sharing way too much. Currently, I'm in a much better mood but still wanted to share since I haven't blogged all summer. This summer, I've been going through a 12 week Bible study called Experiencing God (it's pretty great) and thinking a lot about 'my future.' I'm not sure why I put that in quotes but when I was writing that sentence in my head it seemed like it needed quotes. Anyways...I think I'm less confused than I was before this summer. So...he's what I know...
1. I want to make a difference. This is still too self-focused, but I'm working on that still.
2. I love working with kids and teens and things I read about American culture and about teenage girls breaks my heart every time, the same as seeing pictures of starving kids on TV (referred to as 'economic porn' by the director of my study abroad program last year)
3. I know that God has a plan and that my job in it is to join Him where He's already working, not seek this unique thing that I could do to make me a cooler person.
4. I look for 'signs' or whatever from God about my future plans. Like...the day that Rusty and I broke up I'd just read a chapter in Passion and Purity that confirmed what I'd been thinking about my, and Elisabeth Elliot's, decision to wait on God's timing. I've been looking into social work a lot because at a missions fair at Biola, there were a ton of booths set up for different organizations. I talked to a ton of people at a bunch of the tables, and the only thing that stood out or sounded like where I could/should go was social work. I tried to steal a pen from the table for Fuller Theological Seminary, but the woman at the table came over to talk to me and recommended against their Children at Risk program and said that a social work degree would be better. It was just weird, but God works in weird ways.
That's all I can think of, relating to my thoughts about my future. I love kids and teenagers and want to work with them for my career. I think I'd basically be content working in a daycare somewhere, but that's just me being lazy and not wanting to step out of my 'comfort zone.' Oh...I have something to add to my list...
5. I know that my idea of what my life will look like is nowhere near to God's idea. I'm not quite okay with this yet...I'd like to be able to map out my life and make definite plans rather than shrugging my shoulders when someone asks what I'm going to do after Biola. But my vague ideas and hopes aren't necessarily God's plans.
So...I'm still waiting. After almost 6 months of waiting and crying and hoping, I know a possible general direction and I'm just going from there. I'm taking the social work class at Biola this semester, as well as Peoples of Ethnic America and Adolescent Culture and Development. It should be really awesome. I'm really excited to live in the apartments on-campus.
Sometimes I feel like I've grown and changed a lot in the past few months, but at least part of that is just me hoping I have. I'm definitely in a better relationship with God, which is good. I can't think of how to end this, so I'm just going to end it like this.
Vaya con Dios.
1. I want to make a difference. This is still too self-focused, but I'm working on that still.
2. I love working with kids and teens and things I read about American culture and about teenage girls breaks my heart every time, the same as seeing pictures of starving kids on TV (referred to as 'economic porn' by the director of my study abroad program last year)
3. I know that God has a plan and that my job in it is to join Him where He's already working, not seek this unique thing that I could do to make me a cooler person.
4. I look for 'signs' or whatever from God about my future plans. Like...the day that Rusty and I broke up I'd just read a chapter in Passion and Purity that confirmed what I'd been thinking about my, and Elisabeth Elliot's, decision to wait on God's timing. I've been looking into social work a lot because at a missions fair at Biola, there were a ton of booths set up for different organizations. I talked to a ton of people at a bunch of the tables, and the only thing that stood out or sounded like where I could/should go was social work. I tried to steal a pen from the table for Fuller Theological Seminary, but the woman at the table came over to talk to me and recommended against their Children at Risk program and said that a social work degree would be better. It was just weird, but God works in weird ways.
That's all I can think of, relating to my thoughts about my future. I love kids and teenagers and want to work with them for my career. I think I'd basically be content working in a daycare somewhere, but that's just me being lazy and not wanting to step out of my 'comfort zone.' Oh...I have something to add to my list...
5. I know that my idea of what my life will look like is nowhere near to God's idea. I'm not quite okay with this yet...I'd like to be able to map out my life and make definite plans rather than shrugging my shoulders when someone asks what I'm going to do after Biola. But my vague ideas and hopes aren't necessarily God's plans.
So...I'm still waiting. After almost 6 months of waiting and crying and hoping, I know a possible general direction and I'm just going from there. I'm taking the social work class at Biola this semester, as well as Peoples of Ethnic America and Adolescent Culture and Development. It should be really awesome. I'm really excited to live in the apartments on-campus.
Sometimes I feel like I've grown and changed a lot in the past few months, but at least part of that is just me hoping I have. I'm definitely in a better relationship with God, which is good. I can't think of how to end this, so I'm just going to end it like this.
Vaya con Dios.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I'm falling in and now this feeling's getting stronger
My spring semester is finally finally finally over! All of the stress and papers and tests and packing and fitting in last times with friends...ach, I get a little stressed remembering. I'm so glad to be done, but in all of the busyness I didn't really let myself think about the summer and what it will look like. It's like a big...void almost. I'm going to camp with my church for a week and to Florida with my family, both of which will be super amazing, but the rest of the summer, I've got nothing definite. Nothing but free time. Hopefully working, doing respite work like last summer, but even that's not very sure right now.
Even when I was at school, even when I was counting the days and the tasks and the hours until I could be done, I didn't even really want to come home. I love my family and I'm so glad to be able to see them, to hang out with my sister and to see Becky and Charlotte, but all of them have other things to do where I have nothing. Becky's life is basically here, Charlotte has work and things, and my sister has a way more active social life than I ever have. That sounds more self-pitying than I'm actually feeling. I just...I don't quite know how to explain. Or at least explain in a way that I'm theoretically okay with anyone reading. There are some things I won't share over public blog.
Maybe this is just because it's night; I tend to be more emotional at night or right when I wake up. This afternoon I had fun with myself, unpacking and playing good music loudly. Then Allyson and I went to Bashas and got food, because our parents and Zach were gone, and made some pizza bagels and rented The Lovely Bones. And it was good. It wasn't until I got tired and bored that I started being so melancholy. I don't like melancholy. I need something to do. I'm going to go crazy sitting at home all summer. I think it goes back to my last blog and feeling like I don't have a place to rest. Everything is uncomfortable or stretching or...I don't know. I explained it well to my spiritual director but I cried then thinking about it and I'm sick of crying too so I try to avoid thinking about it. That's a totally healthy way to deal, right?
I'm not a fan of uncertainty and this summer is going to be different than either of my summers in college for a few different reasons. I'm working on holding to God, really knowing that He is here with me. It's a long, slow process of learning and relearning.
Now I'm trying to get up, I'm trying to retrace
My steps back to wherever I messed up
Is forever enough?
I'm holding on...
I know you'll be there whenever I wake up
Even when I was at school, even when I was counting the days and the tasks and the hours until I could be done, I didn't even really want to come home. I love my family and I'm so glad to be able to see them, to hang out with my sister and to see Becky and Charlotte, but all of them have other things to do where I have nothing. Becky's life is basically here, Charlotte has work and things, and my sister has a way more active social life than I ever have. That sounds more self-pitying than I'm actually feeling. I just...I don't quite know how to explain. Or at least explain in a way that I'm theoretically okay with anyone reading. There are some things I won't share over public blog.
Maybe this is just because it's night; I tend to be more emotional at night or right when I wake up. This afternoon I had fun with myself, unpacking and playing good music loudly. Then Allyson and I went to Bashas and got food, because our parents and Zach were gone, and made some pizza bagels and rented The Lovely Bones. And it was good. It wasn't until I got tired and bored that I started being so melancholy. I don't like melancholy. I need something to do. I'm going to go crazy sitting at home all summer. I think it goes back to my last blog and feeling like I don't have a place to rest. Everything is uncomfortable or stretching or...I don't know. I explained it well to my spiritual director but I cried then thinking about it and I'm sick of crying too so I try to avoid thinking about it. That's a totally healthy way to deal, right?
I'm not a fan of uncertainty and this summer is going to be different than either of my summers in college for a few different reasons. I'm working on holding to God, really knowing that He is here with me. It's a long, slow process of learning and relearning.
Now I'm trying to get up, I'm trying to retrace
My steps back to wherever I messed up
Is forever enough?
I'm holding on...
I know you'll be there whenever I wake up
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Let it go, let it be and brick by brick we can be free
Does everything in my life have to be a stretching and growing experience? This semester has definitely been one whee I've grown the most, spiritually, in friendships, in expressing myself, and in resolving conflicts but sometimes I wish some areas of my life were just areas that I could be comfortable in. Like, if I'm growing a lot closer to God and learning to depend more on Him, which is something outside my 'comfort zone,' can't I be comfortable in times with my friends? Why does being in community have to feel like a discipline and something I have to stretch myself in? When I spend time alone, I feel lonely. It just happens, quite a bit actually. Can't I just have peace and rest and comfort in that area of my life for a little while? I feel like I'm explaining this badly, but last night I was thinking about my conflict resolution skills, or lack thereof, and knowing how much I have grown this semester or even in the past couple of years, but how far I still have to grow. I guess in a way I want to not grow in things, to be unaware of my deficiencies and not trying to stretch past my comfort zone so often. I don't want to have to consciously tell myself not to be jealous or passive-aggressive or focused, whether on homework or friends or whatever. I want things that are supposed to be fun to actually be fun.
This past weekend, I went to Rocky Point with my family and it was awesome. I didn't take my computer or any homework things homework and I think I needed that. I had the weekend to chill out and go snorkeling and sit on the beach and eat burritos and wrestle my sister/break our camper. But then I didn't get a whole lot of sleep so I'm entering the worst week of my semester sleep deprived and thus less motivated and more emotional than usual. Any time I think about things I have to do on top of schoolwork, I get panicky. Even just thinking about having to pick up and fill out a job application, meet for a meeting/test for a different potential job, pick up/return library books, see how I like my new nook, hang out with a bunch of different friends, get people to sign my birthday present mug from Charlotte's mom, pack, study for finals, go to Disneyland, go to the beach.
I just started reading Ruby Slippers, and it's so awesome but also eats up my time and I feel guilty for not doing homework or hanging out with people that I won't get to see in a couple weeks or not trying out my nook and I just need something I can enjoy, like I said earlier. I need something I can just purely enjoy and I can't find anything.
I'm so exhausted. I'm so ready for this semester to be over. I've skipped my devotions for the past week or so because I just plain need that extra time to sleep in the morning and I'm too busy or distracted during the day. I'm just plain worn out from this semester, with my class load and thinking about the future and major changes in my life and Mickey dying and reflecting and just...life. I desparately need sleep and free time and...summer. God, be with me. Get me through and give me strength until I can finally rest.
Vaya con Dios.
This past weekend, I went to Rocky Point with my family and it was awesome. I didn't take my computer or any homework things homework and I think I needed that. I had the weekend to chill out and go snorkeling and sit on the beach and eat burritos and wrestle my sister/break our camper. But then I didn't get a whole lot of sleep so I'm entering the worst week of my semester sleep deprived and thus less motivated and more emotional than usual. Any time I think about things I have to do on top of schoolwork, I get panicky. Even just thinking about having to pick up and fill out a job application, meet for a meeting/test for a different potential job, pick up/return library books, see how I like my new nook, hang out with a bunch of different friends, get people to sign my birthday present mug from Charlotte's mom, pack, study for finals, go to Disneyland, go to the beach.
I just started reading Ruby Slippers, and it's so awesome but also eats up my time and I feel guilty for not doing homework or hanging out with people that I won't get to see in a couple weeks or not trying out my nook and I just need something I can enjoy, like I said earlier. I need something I can just purely enjoy and I can't find anything.
I'm so exhausted. I'm so ready for this semester to be over. I've skipped my devotions for the past week or so because I just plain need that extra time to sleep in the morning and I'm too busy or distracted during the day. I'm just plain worn out from this semester, with my class load and thinking about the future and major changes in my life and Mickey dying and reflecting and just...life. I desparately need sleep and free time and...summer. God, be with me. Get me through and give me strength until I can finally rest.
Vaya con Dios.
Monday, May 10, 2010
I'm broken inside, but all I go through it leads me to You
I should not read the Christy Miller books. Seriously. Especially the later ones, they hit too close to home for me. Never mind that her college is based on Biola (the author went there, met her husband there, and one of her sons was an RA here), but at least in some ways, her protagonist is way way too similar to me. She's shy and not too confident and reserved and loves kids and...ugh. The storyline fits too closely too. In the penultimate book of the main 12-book series, she breaks up with Todd, the guy she's liked and been sort-of dating for the entire series so that he can follow his dream and God's call to go off and do jungle missions work. Since it's a Christian series, obviously everything works out in the next book and the two of them eventually get married. But reading the scene at the end of the 11th book was different than when I read the series when I was 16. I cried when I read it yesterday. I was anticipating that scene and my reaction for the past couple days, because I knew it was coming. It was one of the scenes that's stuck with me the most since I read the series so long ago.
I don't know if I'm being too dramatic or reading too much into it, but I've thought of that scene and if that would be me some day, if I'd have to give up someone I really liked because it was God's will. I'd rather have the happy ending that Christy does than her heartbreaking middle or the emotional roller coaster that comes in the beginning of the series. She has doubts, she dates a couple of the 'wrong' guys, she gets jealous and has petty fights with her friends. It's still definitely romanticized, but I want the romanticized love life and epic story without the heartbreak, the ups without the downs.
Right now, I'm in the middle of the first of three books set after her high school graduation. She, her boyfriend, and her best friend travel around Europe after Christy's been working in an orphanage in Switzerland for a school year. I was like...I would LOVE to do that. I want to work in an orphanage, to travel around Europe with my best friends, to be so sure of God's leading and God's will. But...do I want to do it because it sounds like a 'cool' thing to do? Except it doesn't...Christy only feels stressed and drained from working in the orphanage. She decides it's not the thing she wants to do. I want that experience, to do something crazy and awesome, but most importantly to do something.
Ach I want money to not be a concern, for me to know where I'm going and why God's given me the passions I have. I want to get my master's in social work, but definitely not right after Biola. But then what do I do in the meantime? I feel like I ask a lot of questions and never get answers; the questions only pile up bigger and bigger. I think my pile of wants and wishes does the same thing...gets bigger and bigger, even the wish that my list of questions would get smaller and that I'd get a couple answers. The only answer I have now is to wait...just wait. I'm not a big fan of that answer. I want a 'better' one, with a step-by-step plan and specific instructions. Maybe this time next year I'll have a couple answers. I think my plan now is to try, to look into opportunities in what I want to do and to try or make plans based on my desires and what I think God's will might be. God needs to be the center of my hopes and dreams and plans, not me and not anyone else. I'm working towards that...slowly.
I don't know if I'm being too dramatic or reading too much into it, but I've thought of that scene and if that would be me some day, if I'd have to give up someone I really liked because it was God's will. I'd rather have the happy ending that Christy does than her heartbreaking middle or the emotional roller coaster that comes in the beginning of the series. She has doubts, she dates a couple of the 'wrong' guys, she gets jealous and has petty fights with her friends. It's still definitely romanticized, but I want the romanticized love life and epic story without the heartbreak, the ups without the downs.
Right now, I'm in the middle of the first of three books set after her high school graduation. She, her boyfriend, and her best friend travel around Europe after Christy's been working in an orphanage in Switzerland for a school year. I was like...I would LOVE to do that. I want to work in an orphanage, to travel around Europe with my best friends, to be so sure of God's leading and God's will. But...do I want to do it because it sounds like a 'cool' thing to do? Except it doesn't...Christy only feels stressed and drained from working in the orphanage. She decides it's not the thing she wants to do. I want that experience, to do something crazy and awesome, but most importantly to do something.
Ach I want money to not be a concern, for me to know where I'm going and why God's given me the passions I have. I want to get my master's in social work, but definitely not right after Biola. But then what do I do in the meantime? I feel like I ask a lot of questions and never get answers; the questions only pile up bigger and bigger. I think my pile of wants and wishes does the same thing...gets bigger and bigger, even the wish that my list of questions would get smaller and that I'd get a couple answers. The only answer I have now is to wait...just wait. I'm not a big fan of that answer. I want a 'better' one, with a step-by-step plan and specific instructions. Maybe this time next year I'll have a couple answers. I think my plan now is to try, to look into opportunities in what I want to do and to try or make plans based on my desires and what I think God's will might be. God needs to be the center of my hopes and dreams and plans, not me and not anyone else. I'm working towards that...slowly.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Desparately need You
I'm very conflicted about a lot of things. Tonight, or this week I guess, Biola is doing some 'Gender Impact' chapels and things. Tonight, there was one called 'Gender Myths,' a message and discussion by Jonalyn and Dale Fincher. I really liked it; I agreed with most of what they said. I guess I'll tell you what they said before I talk about my tumbling, confused thoughts.
They talked a lot about myths or stereotypes that just aren't true and the way our culture marginalizes both genders in how we talk and think about ourselves and one another, making a path for domestic violence and rape. Those two things wouldn't come out of a culture with a healthy understanding of and respect for both genders and gender differences. They talked about a survey given to elementary school kids, in which they were asked 'what if you woke up tomorrow morning as the other gender?' Most of the girls said they'd rather still be girls but gave benefits of being boys (shooting hoops after breakfast, being chose to demonstrate a sport in PE, etc.). Most of the boys, however, were horrified. Some said they would kill themselves before they'd be a girl and said how they would do it too, whether stabbing themselves or taking a bottle of kids. Gender and differences and the apparent superiority of one is taught subconsciously and at a young age.
Ach...I have so many thoughts, relating to tonight and other books I've read and my theology class in which we're talking about women in the church and it's so frustrating. I feel so picky sometimes, picking up subtle nuances and motivation behind the phrasing of a word of the one someone uses that makes me chafe against what they say, even though I might agree with their actual point. I think I chafe against motivations behind what they say, that women should be submissive and men leaders. In my small group communication class, we talked about how the best business/small group leaders have more androgynous traits, traits traditionally attributed to both genders. It's a topic I'm interested in and have stayed up way way too late talking and debating about before. I think it's hard because the picky nuances matter. They show things about the culture and subtle ways that show what someone actually thinks and not just what they're saying. Choosing a tone or a specific word reveals cultural biases that aren't Biblical, as much as submission to God and differences between men ad women are.
I'm still not quite sure what I think and have even less confidence in my ability to articulate it correctly without frustrating myself completely or taking five pages to do so. I will say that I do believe that men and women were created by God to be different; He made our bodies obviously differently and I think He made our souls and our whole being different from one another also. I definitely don't think that means that all women are the same or all men are the same. But we reflect and show God's image differently. I think He can gift men and women equally and that we have equal access to God; it's not the man who receives God's will and the woman who follows her husband or someone that's not God. I think that God has a will for my life separate from any possible husband or anyone else. I'm still not sure if God has missions in my future or not, and I question sometimes if I'm strong enough to go alone. In a lot of ways, I look for friends and people to surround me that complement my strengths. In a lot of ways, I need someone with me who's more outgoing when I'm reserved, more of an idea person when I can focus on follow thru, more communicative and able to handle conflict. But could these areas be met in a ministry team? Ugh...maybe I should save this discussion for another time, another day, another blog. It would be another 10 pages of wondering and wandering around in circles, looking for an answer. I want to be okay in not having the answers, in being clueless and fumbling for my next step.
I want a lot of things, I have a lot of questions. I think I'm going to take them all and go to bed. Good night.
They talked a lot about myths or stereotypes that just aren't true and the way our culture marginalizes both genders in how we talk and think about ourselves and one another, making a path for domestic violence and rape. Those two things wouldn't come out of a culture with a healthy understanding of and respect for both genders and gender differences. They talked about a survey given to elementary school kids, in which they were asked 'what if you woke up tomorrow morning as the other gender?' Most of the girls said they'd rather still be girls but gave benefits of being boys (shooting hoops after breakfast, being chose to demonstrate a sport in PE, etc.). Most of the boys, however, were horrified. Some said they would kill themselves before they'd be a girl and said how they would do it too, whether stabbing themselves or taking a bottle of kids. Gender and differences and the apparent superiority of one is taught subconsciously and at a young age.
Ach...I have so many thoughts, relating to tonight and other books I've read and my theology class in which we're talking about women in the church and it's so frustrating. I feel so picky sometimes, picking up subtle nuances and motivation behind the phrasing of a word of the one someone uses that makes me chafe against what they say, even though I might agree with their actual point. I think I chafe against motivations behind what they say, that women should be submissive and men leaders. In my small group communication class, we talked about how the best business/small group leaders have more androgynous traits, traits traditionally attributed to both genders. It's a topic I'm interested in and have stayed up way way too late talking and debating about before. I think it's hard because the picky nuances matter. They show things about the culture and subtle ways that show what someone actually thinks and not just what they're saying. Choosing a tone or a specific word reveals cultural biases that aren't Biblical, as much as submission to God and differences between men ad women are.
I'm still not quite sure what I think and have even less confidence in my ability to articulate it correctly without frustrating myself completely or taking five pages to do so. I will say that I do believe that men and women were created by God to be different; He made our bodies obviously differently and I think He made our souls and our whole being different from one another also. I definitely don't think that means that all women are the same or all men are the same. But we reflect and show God's image differently. I think He can gift men and women equally and that we have equal access to God; it's not the man who receives God's will and the woman who follows her husband or someone that's not God. I think that God has a will for my life separate from any possible husband or anyone else. I'm still not sure if God has missions in my future or not, and I question sometimes if I'm strong enough to go alone. In a lot of ways, I look for friends and people to surround me that complement my strengths. In a lot of ways, I need someone with me who's more outgoing when I'm reserved, more of an idea person when I can focus on follow thru, more communicative and able to handle conflict. But could these areas be met in a ministry team? Ugh...maybe I should save this discussion for another time, another day, another blog. It would be another 10 pages of wondering and wandering around in circles, looking for an answer. I want to be okay in not having the answers, in being clueless and fumbling for my next step.
I want a lot of things, I have a lot of questions. I think I'm going to take them all and go to bed. Good night.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the fortieth time...just jump and see if we can fly
This semester has sucked. I'll get to the positive part later, but I'm not feeling particularly positive at the moment so I'm going with that now. I hate my schedule - my days are all long an they start too early. On my best weekday, I still have 6 hours of class - 3 of the back to back to back. I'm not a fan of group projects and I should have realized before I signed up for small group communication that we'd probably be doing a lot of group work but I didn't. I have to do reflections and meditations and prayer projects for 3 different classes, which is way too much so instead of any of them being beneficial or accomplishing their intended purpose, they're just tedious and I make things up for them. Right now I'm working on a ministry-related project which I was excited for but not I hate it too. It's probably not even going to be used but I want to make it really good but that's time consuming and I don't want to do it any more.
I hate feeling like an insecure seventh grader again. Even when I know that what I'm thinking is ridiculous, it's still such a battle to convince myself otherwise. I can tell when I've been spending too much time alone because I get like this, complaining and self-pitying, but I don't know how to change it. I'm not the one that's going to go out and invite myself to do things with people. I want people to want me around so I end up sitting around and being miserable because no one indicates that they do. I've felt like I've been growing in this, but today I'm back at the bottom, at the beginning. But have I grown? Or just withdrawn and ignored any negative feelings that if I talked about them could make people mad at me? Because I know that I tend to do that and that ignoring them doesn't help at all. I hate advice. I hate people telling me what to do or what I could do or should do. I really want to break something that would break really awesomely, like throw my laptop or my cellphone against my brick wall. That would be the right amount of destructiveness. Throwing my sweatshirt on the couch isn't good enough and slamming my door seems childish, especially since it would be so loud on my hall and alert the other 60 girls that I just slammed my door.
This semester has easily been the hardest I've had so far. My semester in Uganda was hard, but I felt like I learned so much and I was trying new things and I whitewater rafted and saw elephants less than 100 feet from our safari van...it was a really different experience. This semester, I'm in the same place with the same people...learning still, but without the new experiences and everything. It's been hard for a few different reasons and overall probably good for me...but not pleasant.
The positive part I mentioned earlier is that even though this has been my worst semester of school, one that I will be glad to see the end of, it's been the one when I've grown the most especially spiritually, realizing my complete dependence on God. And yes, I'm dependent on Him even when I'm happy...but having a lot taken away from me and feeling abandoned when I need people around me the most has pushed me into God's arms. I've journaled so much more this semester, not as much as n Uganda, but more than I would have in a normal year or two. I don't know why I want to document so much negativity, but it helps. And despite how negative and depressed I feel at times, I know that I have grown. I'm not the same person I was two months ago. I'm more confused definitely, especially about my future - not knowing why God would invest in me such a heart for youth in the US and children and youth elsewhere or...well, so many why questions race around around, giving me a different answer every day. But maybe certainty or striving for contentment in my uncertainty. It's okay that I don't know what I'm doing now or what I will be doing later; God does. He knows me, my path, everything.
I hate feeling like an insecure seventh grader again. Even when I know that what I'm thinking is ridiculous, it's still such a battle to convince myself otherwise. I can tell when I've been spending too much time alone because I get like this, complaining and self-pitying, but I don't know how to change it. I'm not the one that's going to go out and invite myself to do things with people. I want people to want me around so I end up sitting around and being miserable because no one indicates that they do. I've felt like I've been growing in this, but today I'm back at the bottom, at the beginning. But have I grown? Or just withdrawn and ignored any negative feelings that if I talked about them could make people mad at me? Because I know that I tend to do that and that ignoring them doesn't help at all. I hate advice. I hate people telling me what to do or what I could do or should do. I really want to break something that would break really awesomely, like throw my laptop or my cellphone against my brick wall. That would be the right amount of destructiveness. Throwing my sweatshirt on the couch isn't good enough and slamming my door seems childish, especially since it would be so loud on my hall and alert the other 60 girls that I just slammed my door.
This semester has easily been the hardest I've had so far. My semester in Uganda was hard, but I felt like I learned so much and I was trying new things and I whitewater rafted and saw elephants less than 100 feet from our safari van...it was a really different experience. This semester, I'm in the same place with the same people...learning still, but without the new experiences and everything. It's been hard for a few different reasons and overall probably good for me...but not pleasant.
The positive part I mentioned earlier is that even though this has been my worst semester of school, one that I will be glad to see the end of, it's been the one when I've grown the most especially spiritually, realizing my complete dependence on God. And yes, I'm dependent on Him even when I'm happy...but having a lot taken away from me and feeling abandoned when I need people around me the most has pushed me into God's arms. I've journaled so much more this semester, not as much as n Uganda, but more than I would have in a normal year or two. I don't know why I want to document so much negativity, but it helps. And despite how negative and depressed I feel at times, I know that I have grown. I'm not the same person I was two months ago. I'm more confused definitely, especially about my future - not knowing why God would invest in me such a heart for youth in the US and children and youth elsewhere or...well, so many why questions race around around, giving me a different answer every day. But maybe certainty or striving for contentment in my uncertainty. It's okay that I don't know what I'm doing now or what I will be doing later; God does. He knows me, my path, everything.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Please don't fight, these hands that are holding you
Grief comes to my door uninvited
With unwelcome friends 'round about
'Much work to be done here,' he muses
As his work begins, I cry out...
'Loneliness, leave me alone,
Work gently, but quickly, oh Pain!
Tears, stop flowing, you tire me so.
How long must Grief call my name?'
'Come, sit close and stay awhile
With Pain and Tears,' says he.
'Loneliness also will be here
With Sorrow and Misery.'
'Loneliness also will be here
With Sorrow and Misery.'
'Visit with Sorrow; spend time with Pain.
Let Tears become your friend.
And day by day these friends begin
Let Tears become your friend.
And day by day these friends begin
To guide your Grief to its 'end.'
Sorrow turns into memories,
Time spent with pain becomes strength.
Loneliness bows to peace of mind,
And time with Grief becomes well spent.
So Loneliness, come sit with me.
Let time be our friend, of Pain.
Tears, flow freely, if you must,
While Grief softly whispers my name.
Sorrow turns into memories,
Time spent with pain becomes strength.
Loneliness bows to peace of mind,
And time with Grief becomes well spent.
So Loneliness, come sit with me.
Let time be our friend, of Pain.
Tears, flow freely, if you must,
While Grief softly whispers my name.
-Nancy Fitts, January 2001
I don't like to think of myself as grieving. It seems...overly dramatic and more serious than I'd like to regard my life as. A period or season of grief does not seem appealing at all. No thanks God, can I have cake instead? Can't I know Your love and Your comfort without seeing all of the edges, without facing less pleasant things? Why do You choose suffering and grief to shape us? In that list somewhere in the Bible, we have perseverance, character, and hope because of sufferings...but why choose tribulation and trials as the first part of that list, the first part of the test?
I'm also in an Acts class and was reading about Saul's early life after his conversion. I think I always somehow thought that Saul was converted on the road to Damascus and then maybe a couple weeks r months later he's thrown in jail with Silas and the doors fall off of their jail cells. According to the author of the book I'm reading, he spent three years out in the desert, tried to go to Jerusalem, but the apostles ship him back to his hometown where he waits for five or six or eight years. That's eleven years or more after his conversion and amazing commission from Jesus. Eleven years of solitude definitely and probably suffering. His family probably wasn't going to accept him back home in Tarsus, so he's just hanging out...in a cave?
I've been frustrated at waiting a month. I'd like to hear from God where I'm going and what I'm doing now. I mean...a month ago Rusty and I broke up so we could both seek God's will. I sometimes feel like I'm no closer to knowing than I was then. Or what I have thought about, I don't know if I decided on it because I like the answer it gives or if it is from God. This also conflicts with the fact that God can use me anywhere, in the US or elsewhere and that no matter what I imagine or plan now, my life will not turn out like I've planned. It's a little bit...terrifying. Not knowing when waiting will be over or even how to know when it is. Paul got a visit from Barnabas inviting him to come to Antioch. What would be my equivalent?
There's been so much going on in my head; it'd be impossible to put it all down in a blog. Round and round, up and down, all over the place - those are my thoughts. I wish they'd stop, give me peace, let me just focus on other things. I wish I didn't know how badly I need to rely on God, for comfort, for strength, for everything. I wish I could still think that I'm independent, a strong woman. I wish I didn't know how weak I am, know my complete reliance on God - not only for the one time salvation but for ongoing sanctification, the ongoing process of becoming more holy and more like Christ.
Ugh. I wouldn't quite say that lie is good right now, but I do know - with my head - that growth is good and that God is good. I just wish I could learn things differently, more easily.
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