Trusting God

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.

Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.

Psalm 31:7-9



But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.

Isaiah 43:1-2



Dependency is such a negative quality in American culture, especially in women I think. We're taught to be so self-sufficient, that we don't need to rely on other people to meet our needs. It's not attractive or okay really to admit that you need someone or something, that I can't stand by myself. I'm learning, in a not-so-pleasant way to be dependent, to rely on God. I have no idea where my future's heading, what it will look like, what I'm going to do. It's easier to believe that I can rely on myself when I can see my future, when I'm content and comfortable in my life now, when...I don't know. I wish I didn't have to learn dependence and obedience the hard way. I wish it came naturally, that it was easy and I didn't have to learn by experience. But God's will is better than mine, right? His ways, His thoughts are higher than mine. It's a slow, painful process of learning, but I know the lesson is worth learning. I have to believe that it is, that God is faithful and trustworthy. I have to believe that He has a plan and knows more than I do or...I don't know how I'd be. Well I guess if I wasn't listening to Him and trusting Him, I wouldn't be here now in this situation. I've heard before that it's easier to trust God in brokenness and in want. Painful times are often good growing periods for a lot of people and as much as I wish I grew without the pain, I'm hoping it's a good refining process.

A year from Kampala and digestive biscuits...

Uganda doesn't feel a year away. It doesn't feel like it's been a year since I walked in the red dirt across campus, learned how delicious Fanta Passion is, or was given a Lugandan name. In a lot of ways I feel like I've just assimilated back into American life too quickly, too easily. When people ask about Uganda, I never have any idea what to say. I don't know how to articulate what I learned, how much it changed me or how much more I wish it had changed me. I don't know how to change how I act, how to let the things I learned actually affect how I think and what I do. I mean, there's the fun stories about rafting/thinking I could die or the safari and being feet away fro a hippo in the campsite. But I don't know how to describe the little things, like adjusting to food and finding food that I miss so much here, to not really thinking that my host families were poor and needed a better way of life. Going to Uganda changed my view on missions, made me understand it a little less. There were mission teams that went from Biola to Uganda and Kenya and I just wanted to ask them why, to ask what they were going to do. What do we have to offer Uganda? But I still want to go, still want to do something, somewhere that matters. I'm just less sure of what that is.
My dorm room is covered with memories of Uganda, with fabric-like pictures to pictures I took and other miscellaneous decorations. The shirt I'm wearing today is one I bought there. But seeing these things doesn't change me. I made a list at the end of last semester and I wish I could read it. I want to see all of the things I was so determined to do. So many things seem superficial and wasteful, but I tend to just ignore it, to push it aside.
I miss Uganda. I don't think I'll ever be back, but I miss the experience, the people. Sometimes I want to say Ugandan things to people but they wouldn't understand. I want to tell people they look smart or...other common Ugandan phrases or sentences that took me a little while to understand before. I want people to ask me more about my semester. I...I don't know what else. I want to see how this has changed me.

Home and Away Again

My mom's wanted me to do "one last update" for a few weeks now. I'm leaving for jamaica in a few days and I was reading my former/future roommate's blog because she's already there, so I decided to finally post something. I don't know if it'll be an update or if it'll be my last post. I don't want Uganda to be over. I hope it continues to affect me. Maybe. It'd probably be easier if it didn't.

Life's been...good. And less not so good. But such is life, I guess. I spent the last two weeks at summer camp with my church's junior high and then high school ministry. It was pretty awesome. I was totally exhausted after and kinked out about 20 minutes after getting home from HS camp on Friday night...around 8 pm. It was totally awesome. I started doing respite care (like babysitting for kids with developmental disorders). It's good...and government funded so I get paid way more than I'd ever charge for babysitting. I'm a cheap babysitter, because I mostly just like doing it. My church did VBS a few weeks ago and that was fun. I was in charge of games for the preschoolers. The games are all related to the Bible lessons for each day so every day I was supposed to connect the game with the lesson...I forgot about that part quite often. Oops. But I figured it didn't matter that much anyways. The kids didn't listen all that much, but they did love the games. So did I.

Um...I haven't seen my best friends nearly as much as I want to. I re-addicted myself to The Sims. The person who's asked me the most about Uganda is my little sister's friend, who asked...weird/uninformed/unintelligent questions. I'm going to be on student leadership for women's discipleship at my school next year. I have a devotional published in a book. I miss Uganda. Anytime I think about or remember it. Mostly I try to stay distracted, which hasn'y been difficult the past few weeks because of how busy I've been. This upcoming week might be harder. I've heard that Jamaica is similar to Uganda in a lot of ways and different in a lot of ways too. It's probably a lot more different than I'm expecting.

I'm...okay. Mostly good. Still assimilating too much. Maybe I'll work on integrating soon.

I'm not going to do a "last post." I don't want to tie up loose ends. My loose ends aren't tied up. I hope they're not at least. Vaya con Dios.

Don't need to wait for the answers before you step out in faith

This may very well be my last blog entry from this side of the Atlantic. We're leaving really early Thursday morning, 5 am, and driving 10-13 hours south and west to Rwanda. We drive back to UCU on May 1st and then up to Entebbe the next day, to spend 3 days doing a debrief of our semester here. My days here are numbered. I have 8 days in Uganda, split by 10 days in Rwanda, remaining. I'm still not sure how exactly I feel about going home. I've spent 4 months here, with a group of students experiencing a lot of the same sort of things. I've been stretched and I've learned a lot and gradually become more comfortable here. Now I'm about to leap back into life at home, where not a lot has changed...except me. I don't really know how I'll react to being home, to people and...life. I feel like my whole way of thinking and processing has changed and the way I view the world and politics and...everything. I'm a little...nervous. Anxious. Panicky. I've heard from other people about returning home. I know that I'll be overwhelmed.
I also have no idea how to communicate any of what I've learned, about myself or the world or life or God. It's...I don't even know. I'll just wait and see. I can't predict everything now. It'll be alright. Vaya con Dios.

Higher, Jesus, higher

So...last summer I got a filling, between my back 2 teeth on the bottom of the right side of my mouth. It fell out while I was at Disneyland last semester. And...while I was flossing last night. I texted Phil, one of the USP interns and he made an appointment for me at a dentist in Kampala. I left UCU with Vincent, the USP driver, at 2 (and missed my class today, which was sad). I got there a half hour before my appointment and went in about a half hour after I was supposed to. It was okay though. I'd brought a book. Anyways, after I got in I asked if they have laughing gas. They did not. So I opted to get my filling re-done without anesthesia, because I HATE the shot. And when I got it re-filled before, he didn't drill or anything. Well...my dentist this time (Kathy) DID think it was necessary to drill, to reshape my cavity so it would hopefully stay in better. It hurt. Quite a lot. It was far different than any other dentist experience. I don't know exactly how.
Also, while Kathy was holding something to bring it to my mouth, whatever it was dripped straight into my eye. She told me that it's acidic, but wouldn't blind me. I rinsed my eye as best I could and after she finished my filling (a half hour or so later), I took out that contact because it was still burning. I rode home from Kampala and walked up to my dorm with only one contact. It as awesome. Then I rinsed the one (they'd given me a cup to put it in), took the other out, put on my glasses, and went to find dinner. I missed lunch so I was really hungry and wanted to reward myself. I got 2 rolexes, a brownie, and a soda (Fanta Passionfruit - which I will definitely miss). Now I am very full, my tooth is still sensitive, and my eye is almost done burning.
Overall, I'd say it was a fairly good day. Not the best overall, but dinner was delicious. I'm also going to watch an illegal movie (X-Men Origins: Wolverine - which isn't even in theaters yet). So my night will probably only get better. I have some popcorn in my room and will probably get another soda. AND I'll get to talk to Rusty. I hope.
I'm leaving for Rwanda in less than a week, on April 23rd. We drive back to UCU on May 1st and up to Entebbe on the 2nd. We'll be there for a couple days, debriefing and whatnot, and I fly out late on May 5th and get home in the afternoon on May 7th. It's coming up SO fast. I can't believe my time here is almost done. A lot of things here have become so familiar that it'll be very strange to come home again. The part of me that resists change is really nervous. I will be really glad to see people, especially my family. And Rusty, Becky, and Charlotte. May 7th will be happy; May 5th won't.
Thus far my summer plans are: Biola - May 14th-17th; Junior high camp - June 7-12 ; cruise w/ the family (maybe) - ; Jamaica - June 30-July 8. Other than that, I will be HOME. I'm excited.
Vaya con Dios.

Happy Birthday Zach!

In Ugandan time, it will be my little brother's 18th birthday in about an hour and a half. Crazy, right? It's still about noon on April 7th in the US, but whatever. I don't know his email or know if he even has one. I also don't think he reads this normally. However, I know that other family members do and they can pass along the message.

Happy birthday little brother! I can't believe you're so old. I hope you have an awesome day at Disneyland. I got you a sweet present, but you'll have to wait about a month for it. I miss you and I love you!

--Christine

They're forming an alliance.

We (30 of the 38 USPers) went on a safari this past weekend. It was at Queen Elizabeth National Park, which s on the western end of Uganda. Mukono is on the eastern end so we drove all the way across Uganda. It's only about the size of Uganda, but because of pothole roads and speed bumps every quarter mile, it took us 11 hours to get there. We took a faster way back, so it only took 10 hours. We stopped 2-3 times each way to get gas, have a bathroom break, let our engine cool down because it overheated, or take pictures at the equator and eat delicious food. We took a matatu (14 passenger van/taxi) there and back and used it for the safri-ing. This weekend, I spent about 30 hours in that matatu. The seats were not very comfortable either. The sleeping was pretty difficult. The safari was sweet. W saw a lot of elephants, pretty close to our van. We saw a lion, a leopard, a hyena, a hippo, mongooses, warthogs, kob, giant pterodactyl birds, and probably more that I'm forgetting. We camped and that was cool, except the ground was rocky and our stuff got a little wet. We brought our own food, so I had PB&J for most of our meals and various snacks. They made us dinner 1 night and that was fantastic. I got to talk to some of the others USPs and that was sweet. We had a campfire. There was a hippo about 100 feet away from me. I never want to ride in another matatu, but I probably will sometime this week and definitely will at some point before I leave.
This is our last week of normal classes. It's a little...stressing. After classes, we have finals week and then we go to Rwanda for 10 days. Then we have a few days of debrief and then I leave. A month from now, I'll be in Washington DC. It is crazy. I really want to see everyone at home, but I don't want to leave everyone here. I don't want to stop learning. I'm not counting down the days, although I do know how many are left. I'm glad to be here now and I'll be glad to be home soon. See you all soon. Vaya con Dios.

Echoes of Eden, reflections of what we were created for

Community worship this morning went really well. We opened with a description of USP – who we are and why we’re here, 4 songs (Days of Elijah, My Redeemer Lives, Still, Create in Me a Clean Heart), and some prayers. They like the long prayers. Then we had the drama to “In the End” by Linkin Park. The basic point of the skit is that it doesn’t matter how hard you try to master or conquer your sins, you have to let them go to get to Jesus. There’s two sinners and one finally lets go of the chains the demons use to hold them back. The other tries and struggles, but won’t just let go. At the end of the song, the demons pull her back and wrap the chains (or ropes in our case) around her more, then push her onto her knees and she fell over onto the ground. It’s really powerful. The audience clapped when Geoff (the first sinner) let go and got to Jesus. Our actors did amazing. Then we had a Scripture reading and message from Ephesians 5:18-23, about God’s redemption and his desire to bring us to Him and give us so much more.
We had some more prayers and then another skit-type deal. It was “Cardboard Testimonies.” On one side each person wrote a sin or something you struggle with and on the other, how God has redeemed you. Some of them were pride, lying, sexual immorality, peer pressure, etc. Mine said “I didn’t know that I am valuable…God has shown me my worth.” It was a little frightening to stand up there with the sign in front of me. Moreso that the other USP students would see, because I actually know and talk to them and maybe I don’t want them to know about my issues. I don’t know many UCU students so that wasn’t as big of a deal. We closed with ‘Amazing Grace.’ Afterwards, a woman came up and told me that she’s struggled with the same thing but I’m precious to God and He has an awesome plan for me. It was really cool.
Overall, it went really well. It was awesome. I’m very introspective or thoughtful or whatever sometimes, especially when I have a lot of time alone s I’ve been thinking a lot. Not really about a lot of specific things, just about…myself. My view of myself and of others and of God. So, you know…nothing serious. I really love the “Days of Elijah” song. It’s so…triumphant. I hadn’t heard it before I came here, although many of the other students have.
I have loved my time here. I’m learning a lot and sometimes the time alone is good. I really miss everyone at home and I want to see my family, my friends, junior highers, Rusty, Becky and Charlotte…but I’m leaving so soon. My time here just started. And it’s already ¾ over. In about a month and 4 days, I’m leaving Uganda. I don’t know if I’ll come back either. I hope I can. I hope I keep in touch with some of the girls here. I’m going to miss them once I leave.
God’s really amazing, you know?

Behold, he comes,
riding on a cloud,
shining like the sun,
at the trumpet call.
Left your voice;
it’s the year of Jubilee.
Out of Zion’s hill,
salvation comes.

Vaya con Dios.

I tried so hard and got so far

This is the first time I've been online since...Tuesday. So about a week. Our Internet was down. It was pretty frustrating. It was a lot worse for others than for me because they've had class registration stuff this week. I just want to talk to people at home. This week hasn't been too exciting. I've attended all my classes, gone to the daycare and Kampala twice, visited the kabaka's (king/cultural leader for a tribe) palace, seen one of Idi Amin's torture chambers, cried, sang, danced, eaten, slept, spent time with girls in my dorm and the other dorms, etc.
Every semester, USP plans and leads one community worship (chapel). Ours is tomorrow. We're singing 4 songs, doing a skit to "In the End" by Linkin Park, having a short message and doing cardboard testimonies. It's like...you put a sin or something you struggle with one on side and that God has healed you on the other. I'm singing as part of the chorus (along with basically everyone else) and doing a cardboard testimony. I was going to do the skit but couldn't make it to rehearsal. It looks really awesome though. If you're reading this and you're from Biola, Geoff and Michelle both have pretty major roles.
I really like the daycare. I like it even more when the real teachers aren't around. They expect the kids (about 1.5-4 years old)to act way older than they are, to sit properly and color in the lines and...whatever. I like just playing with them. That's more fun. They have some great names. There are kids like Jessie, Maggie, Martha, Matthew, Timothy, Elijah, Faith, Liza, and some funkier ones like Nyla (my favorite kid), Opio, Pascal, Persus (a girl, btw), and then some that are just...I don't know. There's Treasure and Future (brothers), Given, Praise, Agape, and I'm sure more that I don't remember. It's really cool.
I'm going on a safari this weekend. That's pretty sweet. This is my last full week of classes. That's sweet also. I think I'm done for now. Maybe I'll do some homework. Maybe not. Vaya con Dios.

Charity still doesn't know my name

I haven't written a blog in a while. But I feel like nothing's really happened. It's just...life. School, friends, meals...whatever. I've watched a lot of movies lately; I borrowed a bunch of Disney DVDs from Krista, one of the USP girls. She bought 5 DVDs in Kampala; each has about 5-12 movies on it. Uganda is quite illegal in their movie making. I haven't had a lot of homework. I missed a quiz because I skipped class. I haven't locked my keys in my room in a while. Me and Rusty had our year anniversary. It rained finally. I haven't gotten any mail. I applied for student ministry leadership at Biola. I watched Seven Pounds. I covered a lot of books at the children's library. I learned about Compassion, AIDS, debt, aid and trade, politics, colonialism, discipleship, myself, God, etc. I went to a concert-type deal. They sang Everyday and it about made my week. That's one of my longterm favorite worship songs. I have another new one; it's called Days of Elijah.
Time is passing way too fast. Our classes are officially done on April 8th. Then the next week we have finals. Then we leave for Rwanda on April 23rd. I have less than a months with the UCU students. In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm just getting comfortable and settled with the girls on my hall.
I'm still definitely enjoying my time and my experiences here, but a lot of the time I'm also ready to come home. I'm sick of being away from people. I want to just be with people and talk to them, not having to wait for emails which rarely, if ever, come or for the time here to match up with the time at home. I want good food. I want air conditioning.
My title refers to one of the friendliest guys here, Bob Charity. I think he recognizes my face, but still has no idea what my name is.
Vaya con Dios.