Things that have not changed:
1. I am awesome
2. Gilmore Girls is hilarious and my favorite show.
3. Jess is cute.
Things that have changed:
1. I do not like cold weather. I used to say I preferred cold weather to hot. That was false. My circulation does not work properly and thus, cold weather is miserable.
2. I want to to work with teenagers. Ever since I was little, I've wanted to work with kids. I'm not always great at communicating with peers and adults, but I can talk to kids. Kids are awesome. They're easy; talking to or playing with kids is one of the things that comes most naturally. I can teach a kindergarten/first grade Sunday school class with no preparation and I do it well. But my...passion, I guess, for the past few months in teen girls. I love them; they are awesome...they are also more complex and more difficult.
Thus semester both of my opportunities for working with young kids (preschool-1st grade) went away or different reasons. However, in my one Intercultural Studies class, I am writing my big capstone paper, basically what my major has been working towards for the past 4 years, on teenage girls. Yep. My one last big ICS thing isn't about culture unless you think teens are aliens from another world, which some do. Anyways, I have to go to class now. My youth ministry class. I just wanted to write really quickly and tell you all how my life has changed, because I think it's funny.
So...thanks Horizons girls, for sucking me in. For making my life plans far different than what I thought they'd be 3 years ago. Thank you Rusty or making me a junior high leader. Thank you lady from the missions fair last year who told me that I should think about social work. Ach...I actually need to leave now
Vaya con Dios!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Ruby Slippers
I love Jonalyn Fincher. I've never really met her, although she did speak at a chapel at Biola last year with her husband. But she is really smart and really good at articulating her thoughts into a really amazing book called Ruby Slippers. It's about women, the soul of women and a lot of other things. Men should read it too because it is..fantastic.
I've been reading it slowly over the past couple weeks and I still have one chapter left, but I'm so distracted by her ideas ad I want other people to know what she says because she talks about a lot of things that I think are important.
I tried to start writing to talk about the book, about what she says. But I was 1 giant paragraph in and had barely started talking about what's important in he first chapter. But the book is seriously seriously awesome. her chapters can be long, but they're all so so good. She's talking about femininity, how it's been used to force women into a specific 'gender role' and used to constrain who we think we 'ought' to be. She talks about what femininity should be, how God designed it and how God designed women to bear His image. As a woman, I bear God's image just as much as a man does. I bear God's image in my soul, in the attributes and characteristics that I share with Him, attributes and characteristics that are different that the attributes and characteristics of men.
She talks about six broad, general traits of being a woman, six things that most women have. They're not things that are necessary to e feminine or to be a woman, but they're general 'family characteristics,' is what I think she calls them. She says that no women is ever ore or less feminine. Whether I'm sitting on my couch in a tank to and basketball shorts (as I am now) or dressed up for prom - I am always a woman and I am always feminine.
The chapter I read today talked about some of the weaknesses of women, things we tend to do. She frames them as our strengths and our attributes gone bad and says that men's weaknesses are often the same thing. She talks about a tendency to be passive aggressive, to send silent, subtle barbs at other women to hurt them. She talks about her own tendency to end over backward to please someone, about women's emotional sensitivity to others and how we need to be needed, and why that's a bad thing. She talked about the tendency of women to not like other women, which is something that always bugs me so much. I always hear from girls that "I just don't like other girls" and I understand what they mean but it's so...awful to perpetuate a 'girl-hating culture.' (Another book I read Reviving Ophelia talked about our girl-hating culture). She talked about our tendency to classify things as feminine or girly and dismiss them, to think that more masculine things are better and cooler and thus to degrade women.
I feel like I could read this book over and over and continue learning from it. I read the first couple chapters last year and loved it, but when I started it over this year, they were just as good. I want other women, other girls, to read this book. I want them to know and understand what she talks about.
I love Ruby Slippers. You should read it. I will seriously buy it for you. Email me, Facebook message me. It is the best ever.
Vaya con Dios.
I've been reading it slowly over the past couple weeks and I still have one chapter left, but I'm so distracted by her ideas ad I want other people to know what she says because she talks about a lot of things that I think are important.
I tried to start writing to talk about the book, about what she says. But I was 1 giant paragraph in and had barely started talking about what's important in he first chapter. But the book is seriously seriously awesome. her chapters can be long, but they're all so so good. She's talking about femininity, how it's been used to force women into a specific 'gender role' and used to constrain who we think we 'ought' to be. She talks about what femininity should be, how God designed it and how God designed women to bear His image. As a woman, I bear God's image just as much as a man does. I bear God's image in my soul, in the attributes and characteristics that I share with Him, attributes and characteristics that are different that the attributes and characteristics of men.
She talks about six broad, general traits of being a woman, six things that most women have. They're not things that are necessary to e feminine or to be a woman, but they're general 'family characteristics,' is what I think she calls them. She says that no women is ever ore or less feminine. Whether I'm sitting on my couch in a tank to and basketball shorts (as I am now) or dressed up for prom - I am always a woman and I am always feminine.
The chapter I read today talked about some of the weaknesses of women, things we tend to do. She frames them as our strengths and our attributes gone bad and says that men's weaknesses are often the same thing. She talks about a tendency to be passive aggressive, to send silent, subtle barbs at other women to hurt them. She talks about her own tendency to end over backward to please someone, about women's emotional sensitivity to others and how we need to be needed, and why that's a bad thing. She talked about the tendency of women to not like other women, which is something that always bugs me so much. I always hear from girls that "I just don't like other girls" and I understand what they mean but it's so...awful to perpetuate a 'girl-hating culture.' (Another book I read Reviving Ophelia talked about our girl-hating culture). She talked about our tendency to classify things as feminine or girly and dismiss them, to think that more masculine things are better and cooler and thus to degrade women.
I feel like I could read this book over and over and continue learning from it. I read the first couple chapters last year and loved it, but when I started it over this year, they were just as good. I want other women, other girls, to read this book. I want them to know and understand what she talks about.
I love Ruby Slippers. You should read it. I will seriously buy it for you. Email me, Facebook message me. It is the best ever.
Vaya con Dios.
Friday, October 8, 2010
You know what, I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.
I love the Office. It is my favorite show, maybe close to rivaling Gilmore Girls in sheer awesomeness. Not quite, but definitely close. A lot of the reason I like it is because of Jim. John Krasinski is definitely not bad looking and the character of Jim is so awesome.
For the Women's Care Ministry I'm a part of this year, we're leading a book study on Captivating. The primary thing the author talks about is the three deep, soul level desires of all women, which are to be romanced, to be an irreplaceable part of a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. I've only read the first chapter so far and I don't remember the rest of what she says, but these things definitely fit me. I think my love of the Office and of Jim relates to these desires. I want to be Pam, to have a guy totally in love with me, who doesn't give up for years, who proposes in a gas station in the middle of pouring rain. Maybe not those exact things...but I love Pam and Jim's story. Jim's super funny and awesome and funny and...I'm not good with adjectives.
In Captivating, Stasi Elderedge talks about a woman's desire to be romanced, to be pursued by a man and to be his priority. She talks about getting flowers and love letters from the guy she ended up marrying and I'm like...that's so cute. I want that too. But at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't talk about wanting this. I'm almost embarrassed to be writing this right now, like it's too personal. There's a song by Bethany Dillon called Beautiful and in it she says that she wants to be beautiful, to make someone to stand in awe, to be amazed by her inner and outer beauty. I posted the lyrics on my MySpace once, a couple years ago and felt almost embarrassed that I agreed with her then. They're...too deep, too close to my heart.
To admit that I want to, I yearn to, be romanced and pursued is...it feels girly and weak and desperate. I can and do live and get along without a man in my life; I'm a whole, complete person by myself. I don't live and wait for the time when there is someone pursuing me...but it's still something I want. It's why I wish Jim was real.
Vaya con Dios.
For the Women's Care Ministry I'm a part of this year, we're leading a book study on Captivating. The primary thing the author talks about is the three deep, soul level desires of all women, which are to be romanced, to be an irreplaceable part of a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. I've only read the first chapter so far and I don't remember the rest of what she says, but these things definitely fit me. I think my love of the Office and of Jim relates to these desires. I want to be Pam, to have a guy totally in love with me, who doesn't give up for years, who proposes in a gas station in the middle of pouring rain. Maybe not those exact things...but I love Pam and Jim's story. Jim's super funny and awesome and funny and...I'm not good with adjectives.
In Captivating, Stasi Elderedge talks about a woman's desire to be romanced, to be pursued by a man and to be his priority. She talks about getting flowers and love letters from the guy she ended up marrying and I'm like...that's so cute. I want that too. But at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't talk about wanting this. I'm almost embarrassed to be writing this right now, like it's too personal. There's a song by Bethany Dillon called Beautiful and in it she says that she wants to be beautiful, to make someone to stand in awe, to be amazed by her inner and outer beauty. I posted the lyrics on my MySpace once, a couple years ago and felt almost embarrassed that I agreed with her then. They're...too deep, too close to my heart.
To admit that I want to, I yearn to, be romanced and pursued is...it feels girly and weak and desperate. I can and do live and get along without a man in my life; I'm a whole, complete person by myself. I don't live and wait for the time when there is someone pursuing me...but it's still something I want. It's why I wish Jim was real.
Vaya con Dios.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Bittersweet
I hate my youth ministry class. Hate it hate it hate it. Also, I really love it. The content is awesome, the reading is really interesting, and the professor is great. However...it makes me sad every week after class. I miss my Horizons students so much after talking about ministry and about teenagers for 2 hours. I spent my whole walk back to my apartment tonight trying not to cry. We talked about mentoring today in class, what a mentor is and isn't, how to set-up a mentoring relationship, and other stuff. I wanted to have a youth group to use the stuff I'm learning. I want to be a volunteer with a youth group. Well, actually, I want to be a volunteer with Horizon's youth group. When my professor was talking about how to choose students to mentor, I had a good list of girls in jr high and high school that I'd love to mentor, that I think are 'ready,' that would benefit from it. But it's all focused on personal contact and meeting regularly and...stuff I can't do from 300 miles away. I miss the junior highers. I miss the high schoolers too.
Sometimes I hate even being at Biola. I know it's where I'm supposed to be and I love my friends and I'm learning so much in and out of my classes...but I want to be home. If last semester was my hardest semester (which it definitely was), this is the semester I want to be here the least. I've wanted to be home so much, to be able to talk to students (not kids) and to be a real part of Horizons, not just some random girl who shows up every month or so. I want to build deeper relationships with students and it's harder over email. People forget to reply or just don't reply and continually trying to talk feels like I'm harassing them.
I miss Becky and Tiffany and my sister. I feel like I'm having a little pity party for myself here. I guess I basically am. I wish I could be two people. Or that my life and my heart weren't split in half, between here and there. I wish I wasn't stuck in a place I don't want to be. But...then it's not about me, is it? As selfish as I am and as much as I would love to just quit school and do what I want, I know God wants me here. I know that I'm going to do social work. Missions was always my idea; social work appeared out of the blue when I was looking for a missions-related job. I hope I get to stay in Peoria; I hope I get to be more involved with Horizons when I graduate (which is only 8 months away!). But God's plans aren't the same as mine; my life is going to be different than how I imagine. I'm working on being open to God's will, to seeking that even when I'm depressed and just wanting to be home. If you pray for me, pray for that. If you want me to pray for you, let me know and I will. Every day. I'm not even lying. If you're from Horizons and you read this, I miss you.
Vaya con Dios.
Sometimes I hate even being at Biola. I know it's where I'm supposed to be and I love my friends and I'm learning so much in and out of my classes...but I want to be home. If last semester was my hardest semester (which it definitely was), this is the semester I want to be here the least. I've wanted to be home so much, to be able to talk to students (not kids) and to be a real part of Horizons, not just some random girl who shows up every month or so. I want to build deeper relationships with students and it's harder over email. People forget to reply or just don't reply and continually trying to talk feels like I'm harassing them.
I miss Becky and Tiffany and my sister. I feel like I'm having a little pity party for myself here. I guess I basically am. I wish I could be two people. Or that my life and my heart weren't split in half, between here and there. I wish I wasn't stuck in a place I don't want to be. But...then it's not about me, is it? As selfish as I am and as much as I would love to just quit school and do what I want, I know God wants me here. I know that I'm going to do social work. Missions was always my idea; social work appeared out of the blue when I was looking for a missions-related job. I hope I get to stay in Peoria; I hope I get to be more involved with Horizons when I graduate (which is only 8 months away!). But God's plans aren't the same as mine; my life is going to be different than how I imagine. I'm working on being open to God's will, to seeking that even when I'm depressed and just wanting to be home. If you pray for me, pray for that. If you want me to pray for you, let me know and I will. Every day. I'm not even lying. If you're from Horizons and you read this, I miss you.
Vaya con Dios.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Call it torture, call it university
I'm in a World Civilizations class this semester, covering about 1500 until now-ish. I was not excited to actually have to take the class, but since I'm just taking it online, it's interesting. I read a chapter, take a test, and post my answers to the discussion questions every week. It takes less than 3 hours. Anyways...this week my chapter is about the Enlightenment and Scientific Revolution. I already know quit a bit abut it thanks to AIMS World History and Ms. Calvano, but it's kind of weird now. I can't think of a better adjective. But these guys that I learned about in school, Voltaire and Locke and others, hated Christians and Christianity. They believed and trusted solely in science and things that were 'rational' and could be proven. They also, interestingly, thought that the existence of God could be 'empirically deduced by the contemplation of nature.' They didn't believe in divine revelation, but deists believed that there was a God who created the world and that we have life after death, to be rewarded or punished based on our deeds while on earth. In some ways it's odd that these men have affected a lot of how we understand the world, the freedoms we have now in the United States, but they were very opposed to the church as a whole. Or Freud, who was horribly sexist and crazy, but I still have to study and learn things that he taught. I don't like Freud.
In some ways, I can see why though. The church in the Middle Ages wasn't really known for their toleration or compassion. England couldn't decided whether it hated the Protestants or Catholics and alternately killed both, Spain had the Inquisition, and torture was pretty well accepted for 'heretics.' The Catholic church accepting indulgences and the persecution and silencing of former scientists (i.e. Copernicus and Galileo) probably didn't help matters either. It's like the beginning of the idea that science and religion can't agree; they're almost always seen as opposing and enemies, like the ideas taught by the church are so ridiculous and unable to measure. In some ways, yeah, they are. The fact that God became a human being, that one God is also 3 people, that forever exists or that heaven and hell are real places...it's more than I can understand and more than science can explain. There's more to life than matter and energy, more than can fit into the bow of things that are scientifically explainable. My theology professor last year attended a state college and he was talking about his biology class. The professor as talking about the human body and the heart and the fact that scientists don't know what makes the heart start beating...it just does. It's like science acknowledges that there are things unexplainable through scientific processes, but pretends there aren't.
I could go on about science and religion, but my point was just that so much of our cultural understanding and the importance of science came from these men who would think that I'm ignorant and an idiot and intolerant and...a religious fanatic. I love learning, so I just thought it was intriguing, especially studying this at a Christian university.
Vaya con Dios.
In some ways, I can see why though. The church in the Middle Ages wasn't really known for their toleration or compassion. England couldn't decided whether it hated the Protestants or Catholics and alternately killed both, Spain had the Inquisition, and torture was pretty well accepted for 'heretics.' The Catholic church accepting indulgences and the persecution and silencing of former scientists (i.e. Copernicus and Galileo) probably didn't help matters either. It's like the beginning of the idea that science and religion can't agree; they're almost always seen as opposing and enemies, like the ideas taught by the church are so ridiculous and unable to measure. In some ways, yeah, they are. The fact that God became a human being, that one God is also 3 people, that forever exists or that heaven and hell are real places...it's more than I can understand and more than science can explain. There's more to life than matter and energy, more than can fit into the bow of things that are scientifically explainable. My theology professor last year attended a state college and he was talking about his biology class. The professor as talking about the human body and the heart and the fact that scientists don't know what makes the heart start beating...it just does. It's like science acknowledges that there are things unexplainable through scientific processes, but pretends there aren't.
I could go on about science and religion, but my point was just that so much of our cultural understanding and the importance of science came from these men who would think that I'm ignorant and an idiot and intolerant and...a religious fanatic. I love learning, so I just thought it was intriguing, especially studying this at a Christian university.
Vaya con Dios.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
You're alone and you're scared, but the banquet's all prepared
My life is not my own.
That's what I've been learning this past weekend especially. I went home and realized how much I missed Arizona weather. It seems crazy, because I've spent the past 21 years complaining about the heat, and wanting to go out of Arizona for college and maybe wanting to leave for after college, but I was glad to be home and appreciated the consistency in weather. As much as I don't always like the heat, it's nice to know that when I wake up it will be really hot and in the afternoon it will be really hot and at 11 pm it will be really hot. California weather is so temperamental and up and down and cloudy in the morning, but sweltering by 10:30, when I get off of work. Ugh.
But...back to learning. Through Stuff Christians Like and Troy talking at church this past weekend, I'm learning (or trying to) that my life and what I do with it isn't about my comfort zone, my preferences, and what I think I'd be best at. I'm not saying that God doesn't use the skills and passions He's given me in using me as a part of His plan, but my primary concern is and should be His plan, what He's doing, and were He's leading. The limited place where I'm comfortable is not the top of His list I don't think, because He can gift me to do anything or use me and work through me when and where I'm not gifted.
Another reason I'm really glad I went home this past weekend, besides having fun and hanging out with people, is hearing Troy's message at church Sunday morning and a brief one at youth worship night Sunday night. They were both awesome. He talked about being contagious as Christians rather than complacent and compromising. He talked along similar lines on Sunday night and what kept running through my head is that my life is not mine to dictate and control. It's not up to me to decide.
As a result of this idea and Troy's message this weekend, I signed up for a couple different ministries at Biola, at least to learn more. I did not sign up for the ministries involved in working with kids, even though that is always my first inclination. Working with kids is, to me, easiest. I'm comfortable teaching Sunday School to K-1st graders and working with preschoolers far more than being a camp counselor for junior high and high school students. For a long time, I've thought that God's plan for me is to work with kids as a career and as a service to Him. But especially in the past couple of years, working with Horizons students and praying with high school girls where I know that those were not my words coming out...maybe my love of kids and my ease and comfort in teaching and working with them doesn't equal God's plan for my future. Maybe God wants to stretch me more.
So at the ministry fair, I avoided the booths for child-related ministries and specifically signed up at 2 booths way outside my comfort zone, Women's Care in the social justice ministry and Brown Bag, which is ministry and friendship with the homeless. Both of these terrify me. I went to an info meeting for Women's Care tonight and they were talking with working with a home for women, 17 and over, teaching life skills classes and hosting book studies and writing letters to women in prison and I was like...um...I don't know how to do that. I am not quipped; maybe this isn't for me. Staying and listening though, I wanted to do it. Working with kids is easy and comfortable, but life isn't supposed to be easy and comfortable. I want to grow and learn and step outside the small arena that I feel totally comfortable in.
God's prepared the way before me; He's already present and working in whatever situation I find myself in, whether it's a castle with talking clocks or teaching life skills and discussing books with victims of sex trafficking. God is awesome.
I don't think Troy reads this, but if you do...thanks.
Vaya con Dios.
That's what I've been learning this past weekend especially. I went home and realized how much I missed Arizona weather. It seems crazy, because I've spent the past 21 years complaining about the heat, and wanting to go out of Arizona for college and maybe wanting to leave for after college, but I was glad to be home and appreciated the consistency in weather. As much as I don't always like the heat, it's nice to know that when I wake up it will be really hot and in the afternoon it will be really hot and at 11 pm it will be really hot. California weather is so temperamental and up and down and cloudy in the morning, but sweltering by 10:30, when I get off of work. Ugh.
But...back to learning. Through Stuff Christians Like and Troy talking at church this past weekend, I'm learning (or trying to) that my life and what I do with it isn't about my comfort zone, my preferences, and what I think I'd be best at. I'm not saying that God doesn't use the skills and passions He's given me in using me as a part of His plan, but my primary concern is and should be His plan, what He's doing, and were He's leading. The limited place where I'm comfortable is not the top of His list I don't think, because He can gift me to do anything or use me and work through me when and where I'm not gifted.
Another reason I'm really glad I went home this past weekend, besides having fun and hanging out with people, is hearing Troy's message at church Sunday morning and a brief one at youth worship night Sunday night. They were both awesome. He talked about being contagious as Christians rather than complacent and compromising. He talked along similar lines on Sunday night and what kept running through my head is that my life is not mine to dictate and control. It's not up to me to decide.
As a result of this idea and Troy's message this weekend, I signed up for a couple different ministries at Biola, at least to learn more. I did not sign up for the ministries involved in working with kids, even though that is always my first inclination. Working with kids is, to me, easiest. I'm comfortable teaching Sunday School to K-1st graders and working with preschoolers far more than being a camp counselor for junior high and high school students. For a long time, I've thought that God's plan for me is to work with kids as a career and as a service to Him. But especially in the past couple of years, working with Horizons students and praying with high school girls where I know that those were not my words coming out...maybe my love of kids and my ease and comfort in teaching and working with them doesn't equal God's plan for my future. Maybe God wants to stretch me more.
So at the ministry fair, I avoided the booths for child-related ministries and specifically signed up at 2 booths way outside my comfort zone, Women's Care in the social justice ministry and Brown Bag, which is ministry and friendship with the homeless. Both of these terrify me. I went to an info meeting for Women's Care tonight and they were talking with working with a home for women, 17 and over, teaching life skills classes and hosting book studies and writing letters to women in prison and I was like...um...I don't know how to do that. I am not quipped; maybe this isn't for me. Staying and listening though, I wanted to do it. Working with kids is easy and comfortable, but life isn't supposed to be easy and comfortable. I want to grow and learn and step outside the small arena that I feel totally comfortable in.
God's prepared the way before me; He's already present and working in whatever situation I find myself in, whether it's a castle with talking clocks or teaching life skills and discussing books with victims of sex trafficking. God is awesome.
I don't think Troy reads this, but if you do...thanks.
Vaya con Dios.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights and cups of coffee
I think blogging is like some sort of addiction. Once I start, I keep thinking of amazingly brilliant things to tell everyone. Or maybe I just like the feeling on my thoughts being in a computer and not all crammed in my head. I read in a book last week that journaling for a few minutes before you go to bed will help you sleep better. I have no doubt that it will, but I always just want to go to sleep so my thoughts are all stuck in my brain.
I just finished reading a Jodi Picoult book. She likes to write books about controversial things. They usually flash back and forth so you don't even really know what's going until a ways into it and she uses a lot of different people's points of view so it's even more confusing. There's also usually a court case of some sort and s dramatic revelation at the eleventh hour. I like her books; they're entertaining and easy to read. They're usually a good escape from having to think too much. But I did not like the one I just finished. I was really depressed after it. It was a story about a guy who was accused of raping a student at the school he used to teach at. After 8 months in jail, he moved somewhere new, started dating a girl, and then a girl in the new town accuses him of rape. Addie, the girl he starts dating, had been raped at the end of high school by 3 guys, 2 of whom still live in her small town. The accused rapist/teacher, Jack, stood by in college when his friends from the soccer team regularly gang raped girls. Since he was often the top scorer, he got to go first and just pretended the rest didn't happen. Then, very dramatically (to completely ruin the ending), after Jack wins the case, the author reveals that Gillian, the accuser, is regularly sexually abused by her dad, who also by the way was the leader of the group that raped Addie back in high school, along with the police chief. After I finished the last page, I wanted to cry.
I've joked before that authors have higher expectations or opinions of people that movie producers. Books are way more likely to end unhappily and the endings get changed when they're made into movies, like in Dear John and My Sister's Keeper. But sometimes, I just like happy endings. It's probably part of the reason I like Harry Potter so much. I always knew the ending was going to be basically happy, that Voldemort would die and all would be well. The books and authors I've been finding and reading more lately do not seem to like happy endings very much. I know that life isn't made up of happy endings and I don't like cheesiness, but I read to have a break from normal life. I think it's silly that a lot of Christian authors don't seem to think that Christians can live past the pioneer era, but I like those books. There's twists and conflict, but you know it's all going to be okay. You know it's not going to just end after a court trial with a father making out with his daughter.
I've been thinking about racism more too, because I'm in a Peoples of Ethnic America class, so we've been talking and reading about it. Sometimes I think that I like to pretend that racism doesn't really exist. That it's exaggerated and people are just lazy and...whatever else. We were talking about 'white privilege' in class today, about the idea or reality that white people have an advantage over people of other races, that merely by being white we don't suffer as much and aren't discriminated against. The author of the essay was female so she also talked about male privilege, that generally guys are privileged and have an advantage, just because they're male. They don't have to worry about the same sexism-related issues or wonder if the reason that someone talks like you're an idiot or doesn't acknowledge your contribution to a Bible discussion is because you're female. My opinions on women and our role must be selfishly rooted and emotionally driven. Why is t that even I am more impressed by a male writer who's more egalitarian than I am by a woman?
Life is too complicated. I wish I was at Hogwarts.
Vaya con Dios.
I just finished reading a Jodi Picoult book. She likes to write books about controversial things. They usually flash back and forth so you don't even really know what's going until a ways into it and she uses a lot of different people's points of view so it's even more confusing. There's also usually a court case of some sort and s dramatic revelation at the eleventh hour. I like her books; they're entertaining and easy to read. They're usually a good escape from having to think too much. But I did not like the one I just finished. I was really depressed after it. It was a story about a guy who was accused of raping a student at the school he used to teach at. After 8 months in jail, he moved somewhere new, started dating a girl, and then a girl in the new town accuses him of rape. Addie, the girl he starts dating, had been raped at the end of high school by 3 guys, 2 of whom still live in her small town. The accused rapist/teacher, Jack, stood by in college when his friends from the soccer team regularly gang raped girls. Since he was often the top scorer, he got to go first and just pretended the rest didn't happen. Then, very dramatically (to completely ruin the ending), after Jack wins the case, the author reveals that Gillian, the accuser, is regularly sexually abused by her dad, who also by the way was the leader of the group that raped Addie back in high school, along with the police chief. After I finished the last page, I wanted to cry.
I've joked before that authors have higher expectations or opinions of people that movie producers. Books are way more likely to end unhappily and the endings get changed when they're made into movies, like in Dear John and My Sister's Keeper. But sometimes, I just like happy endings. It's probably part of the reason I like Harry Potter so much. I always knew the ending was going to be basically happy, that Voldemort would die and all would be well. The books and authors I've been finding and reading more lately do not seem to like happy endings very much. I know that life isn't made up of happy endings and I don't like cheesiness, but I read to have a break from normal life. I think it's silly that a lot of Christian authors don't seem to think that Christians can live past the pioneer era, but I like those books. There's twists and conflict, but you know it's all going to be okay. You know it's not going to just end after a court trial with a father making out with his daughter.
I've been thinking about racism more too, because I'm in a Peoples of Ethnic America class, so we've been talking and reading about it. Sometimes I think that I like to pretend that racism doesn't really exist. That it's exaggerated and people are just lazy and...whatever else. We were talking about 'white privilege' in class today, about the idea or reality that white people have an advantage over people of other races, that merely by being white we don't suffer as much and aren't discriminated against. The author of the essay was female so she also talked about male privilege, that generally guys are privileged and have an advantage, just because they're male. They don't have to worry about the same sexism-related issues or wonder if the reason that someone talks like you're an idiot or doesn't acknowledge your contribution to a Bible discussion is because you're female. My opinions on women and our role must be selfishly rooted and emotionally driven. Why is t that even I am more impressed by a male writer who's more egalitarian than I am by a woman?
Life is too complicated. I wish I was at Hogwarts.
Vaya con Dios.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
You won't find grace without honesty
I wanted to share some things going on in my life lately. First, most people probably know that I love reading. I really enjoy reading, a whole lot and I have since I learned to when I was 4. However...I am going to be reading a WHOLE lot this semester, especially early on. I have 5 books each for 2 of my classes, 4 for another, and 3/2/1 for the others. It adds up to a total of 20 books. I will be reading 100% of all of these books except my giant history textbook, because the time period we're covering is only the last 2/3 of the book. So that's nice at least.
But this semester I'm more nervous about being able to do my schoolwork than I can remember being for any of my previous semesters. Looking at my schedule, with working and reading and homework, I'm like...can I really do all this? I've been busy and worked hard the past 3 years, but I've never truly been overwhelmed. I don't think I've ever felt like I can't do it. It feels like...real life. I'm in an apartment and I can make real dinner and I have things under a bathroom cabinet and a towel rack. Sorry...I'm so impressed by the awesomeness of not having to hang my wet towel off the end of my bed and keep food in my desk drawer. I don't even have to use a shower caddy. I'm like a real adult in a real apartment. But anyways, for my Gospel and Culture, the capstone for my Intercultural Studies classes, I have to write a 20-25 page paper and give a 15-minute presentation on it, like 'journal quality'. It's...legit. I don't know, it's just weird to think about being a real adult, having jobs that feel more real (a Research Assistant in the Christian Ministries department and doing office work in the cafe). I wear nice clothes, not my Facilities t-shirt and gross jeans.
Also, I really like the word awesome. This summer, I started an unofficial list in my head. It's called "People Who Are More Awesome than Me." I like to think that I am awesome, so it's just recognizing people I know and how/why they are more awesome than me, whether in general or at something specific. Yesterday, I had a 'you are more awesome than me' moment with my roommate Raeleen. She'd come in the apartment and wanted to turn the air colder and I didn't. I was pretty short with her and frustrated because I'm generally cold in our apartment. Anyways, she was going to turn it down and we talked and disagreed and then she went in her room. She came back to mine a few minutes later and asked me to forgive her for being insensitive. I was like...crap...I was a jerk. You are more awesome than me. I'm not good about asking for forgiveness. I know the Christian life isn't about comparisons at all, but it's more of a recognition of my shortcomings and things that I need to improve in. So now the lost of people who are more awesome than me has 3 people. It's still growing though; Raeleen's the only one from Biola who's made it on yet. The first two are from my church in AZ, Liz and Tiffany. Ugh. It's only going to get longer as I continue to recognize that I am not actually that awesome, I'm so imperfect. I don't like being overwhelmed and not very awesome.
The other thing I'm thinking about currently is how much I like Stuff Christians Like. Whether you read it or not, it is great. A lot of it really funny, and generally true. I really like that Jon Acuff, the author, is actually a Christian, like me. There was a blog a while ago called Stuff Christian Culture Likes, but it was a lot more sarcastic and mocking. Jon Acuff is super funny and comments on the culture that he is a part of and on himself a a pastor's kid. You should read it. It's my favorite. But some days, I'll read one that's like...a punch in the face. Yesterday I read a post about God's feelings regarding my 'comfort zone.' I really like my comfort zone, where I don't have to interact with people much and I can think I'm really awesome. It's like the colliding of thinking about the real world and realizing how much more awesome than me so many people are in seeing my comfort zone and realizing that God doesn't really like my comfort zone or want to give me the things that I selfishly want. It's...ridiculous. I wish I could know things and explain things and believe that I'm a good person living in a good world, but I don't really think that's true. Here's Jon Acuff's interpretation of God's reaction to my comfort zone:
"I don’t like your ‘comfort zone.’ For one thing, it’s something you create and you also turn to me less when you’re in your comfort zone. I want you out of your comfort zone. I want you dependent on me and if to do that I have to pull you out of your comfort zone, then I will. I am the only one that can create true comfort. I am the only one that can give you that gift. You are powerless to be truly comfortable outside of me. The adventure I am calling you to will not be comfortable by your definition of the word."
Vaya con Dios.
But this semester I'm more nervous about being able to do my schoolwork than I can remember being for any of my previous semesters. Looking at my schedule, with working and reading and homework, I'm like...can I really do all this? I've been busy and worked hard the past 3 years, but I've never truly been overwhelmed. I don't think I've ever felt like I can't do it. It feels like...real life. I'm in an apartment and I can make real dinner and I have things under a bathroom cabinet and a towel rack. Sorry...I'm so impressed by the awesomeness of not having to hang my wet towel off the end of my bed and keep food in my desk drawer. I don't even have to use a shower caddy. I'm like a real adult in a real apartment. But anyways, for my Gospel and Culture, the capstone for my Intercultural Studies classes, I have to write a 20-25 page paper and give a 15-minute presentation on it, like 'journal quality'. It's...legit. I don't know, it's just weird to think about being a real adult, having jobs that feel more real (a Research Assistant in the Christian Ministries department and doing office work in the cafe). I wear nice clothes, not my Facilities t-shirt and gross jeans.
Also, I really like the word awesome. This summer, I started an unofficial list in my head. It's called "People Who Are More Awesome than Me." I like to think that I am awesome, so it's just recognizing people I know and how/why they are more awesome than me, whether in general or at something specific. Yesterday, I had a 'you are more awesome than me' moment with my roommate Raeleen. She'd come in the apartment and wanted to turn the air colder and I didn't. I was pretty short with her and frustrated because I'm generally cold in our apartment. Anyways, she was going to turn it down and we talked and disagreed and then she went in her room. She came back to mine a few minutes later and asked me to forgive her for being insensitive. I was like...crap...I was a jerk. You are more awesome than me. I'm not good about asking for forgiveness. I know the Christian life isn't about comparisons at all, but it's more of a recognition of my shortcomings and things that I need to improve in. So now the lost of people who are more awesome than me has 3 people. It's still growing though; Raeleen's the only one from Biola who's made it on yet. The first two are from my church in AZ, Liz and Tiffany. Ugh. It's only going to get longer as I continue to recognize that I am not actually that awesome, I'm so imperfect. I don't like being overwhelmed and not very awesome.
The other thing I'm thinking about currently is how much I like Stuff Christians Like. Whether you read it or not, it is great. A lot of it really funny, and generally true. I really like that Jon Acuff, the author, is actually a Christian, like me. There was a blog a while ago called Stuff Christian Culture Likes, but it was a lot more sarcastic and mocking. Jon Acuff is super funny and comments on the culture that he is a part of and on himself a a pastor's kid. You should read it. It's my favorite. But some days, I'll read one that's like...a punch in the face. Yesterday I read a post about God's feelings regarding my 'comfort zone.' I really like my comfort zone, where I don't have to interact with people much and I can think I'm really awesome. It's like the colliding of thinking about the real world and realizing how much more awesome than me so many people are in seeing my comfort zone and realizing that God doesn't really like my comfort zone or want to give me the things that I selfishly want. It's...ridiculous. I wish I could know things and explain things and believe that I'm a good person living in a good world, but I don't really think that's true. Here's Jon Acuff's interpretation of God's reaction to my comfort zone:
"I don’t like your ‘comfort zone.’ For one thing, it’s something you create and you also turn to me less when you’re in your comfort zone. I want you out of your comfort zone. I want you dependent on me and if to do that I have to pull you out of your comfort zone, then I will. I am the only one that can create true comfort. I am the only one that can give you that gift. You are powerless to be truly comfortable outside of me. The adventure I am calling you to will not be comfortable by your definition of the word."
Vaya con Dios.
Monday, August 9, 2010
California girls, we're unforgettable.
I was going to post a blog last night, but I was way too tired so I wasn't making sense and I was sharing way too much. Currently, I'm in a much better mood but still wanted to share since I haven't blogged all summer. This summer, I've been going through a 12 week Bible study called Experiencing God (it's pretty great) and thinking a lot about 'my future.' I'm not sure why I put that in quotes but when I was writing that sentence in my head it seemed like it needed quotes. Anyways...I think I'm less confused than I was before this summer. So...he's what I know...
1. I want to make a difference. This is still too self-focused, but I'm working on that still.
2. I love working with kids and teens and things I read about American culture and about teenage girls breaks my heart every time, the same as seeing pictures of starving kids on TV (referred to as 'economic porn' by the director of my study abroad program last year)
3. I know that God has a plan and that my job in it is to join Him where He's already working, not seek this unique thing that I could do to make me a cooler person.
4. I look for 'signs' or whatever from God about my future plans. Like...the day that Rusty and I broke up I'd just read a chapter in Passion and Purity that confirmed what I'd been thinking about my, and Elisabeth Elliot's, decision to wait on God's timing. I've been looking into social work a lot because at a missions fair at Biola, there were a ton of booths set up for different organizations. I talked to a ton of people at a bunch of the tables, and the only thing that stood out or sounded like where I could/should go was social work. I tried to steal a pen from the table for Fuller Theological Seminary, but the woman at the table came over to talk to me and recommended against their Children at Risk program and said that a social work degree would be better. It was just weird, but God works in weird ways.
That's all I can think of, relating to my thoughts about my future. I love kids and teenagers and want to work with them for my career. I think I'd basically be content working in a daycare somewhere, but that's just me being lazy and not wanting to step out of my 'comfort zone.' Oh...I have something to add to my list...
5. I know that my idea of what my life will look like is nowhere near to God's idea. I'm not quite okay with this yet...I'd like to be able to map out my life and make definite plans rather than shrugging my shoulders when someone asks what I'm going to do after Biola. But my vague ideas and hopes aren't necessarily God's plans.
So...I'm still waiting. After almost 6 months of waiting and crying and hoping, I know a possible general direction and I'm just going from there. I'm taking the social work class at Biola this semester, as well as Peoples of Ethnic America and Adolescent Culture and Development. It should be really awesome. I'm really excited to live in the apartments on-campus.
Sometimes I feel like I've grown and changed a lot in the past few months, but at least part of that is just me hoping I have. I'm definitely in a better relationship with God, which is good. I can't think of how to end this, so I'm just going to end it like this.
Vaya con Dios.
1. I want to make a difference. This is still too self-focused, but I'm working on that still.
2. I love working with kids and teens and things I read about American culture and about teenage girls breaks my heart every time, the same as seeing pictures of starving kids on TV (referred to as 'economic porn' by the director of my study abroad program last year)
3. I know that God has a plan and that my job in it is to join Him where He's already working, not seek this unique thing that I could do to make me a cooler person.
4. I look for 'signs' or whatever from God about my future plans. Like...the day that Rusty and I broke up I'd just read a chapter in Passion and Purity that confirmed what I'd been thinking about my, and Elisabeth Elliot's, decision to wait on God's timing. I've been looking into social work a lot because at a missions fair at Biola, there were a ton of booths set up for different organizations. I talked to a ton of people at a bunch of the tables, and the only thing that stood out or sounded like where I could/should go was social work. I tried to steal a pen from the table for Fuller Theological Seminary, but the woman at the table came over to talk to me and recommended against their Children at Risk program and said that a social work degree would be better. It was just weird, but God works in weird ways.
That's all I can think of, relating to my thoughts about my future. I love kids and teenagers and want to work with them for my career. I think I'd basically be content working in a daycare somewhere, but that's just me being lazy and not wanting to step out of my 'comfort zone.' Oh...I have something to add to my list...
5. I know that my idea of what my life will look like is nowhere near to God's idea. I'm not quite okay with this yet...I'd like to be able to map out my life and make definite plans rather than shrugging my shoulders when someone asks what I'm going to do after Biola. But my vague ideas and hopes aren't necessarily God's plans.
So...I'm still waiting. After almost 6 months of waiting and crying and hoping, I know a possible general direction and I'm just going from there. I'm taking the social work class at Biola this semester, as well as Peoples of Ethnic America and Adolescent Culture and Development. It should be really awesome. I'm really excited to live in the apartments on-campus.
Sometimes I feel like I've grown and changed a lot in the past few months, but at least part of that is just me hoping I have. I'm definitely in a better relationship with God, which is good. I can't think of how to end this, so I'm just going to end it like this.
Vaya con Dios.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I'm falling in and now this feeling's getting stronger
My spring semester is finally finally finally over! All of the stress and papers and tests and packing and fitting in last times with friends...ach, I get a little stressed remembering. I'm so glad to be done, but in all of the busyness I didn't really let myself think about the summer and what it will look like. It's like a big...void almost. I'm going to camp with my church for a week and to Florida with my family, both of which will be super amazing, but the rest of the summer, I've got nothing definite. Nothing but free time. Hopefully working, doing respite work like last summer, but even that's not very sure right now.
Even when I was at school, even when I was counting the days and the tasks and the hours until I could be done, I didn't even really want to come home. I love my family and I'm so glad to be able to see them, to hang out with my sister and to see Becky and Charlotte, but all of them have other things to do where I have nothing. Becky's life is basically here, Charlotte has work and things, and my sister has a way more active social life than I ever have. That sounds more self-pitying than I'm actually feeling. I just...I don't quite know how to explain. Or at least explain in a way that I'm theoretically okay with anyone reading. There are some things I won't share over public blog.
Maybe this is just because it's night; I tend to be more emotional at night or right when I wake up. This afternoon I had fun with myself, unpacking and playing good music loudly. Then Allyson and I went to Bashas and got food, because our parents and Zach were gone, and made some pizza bagels and rented The Lovely Bones. And it was good. It wasn't until I got tired and bored that I started being so melancholy. I don't like melancholy. I need something to do. I'm going to go crazy sitting at home all summer. I think it goes back to my last blog and feeling like I don't have a place to rest. Everything is uncomfortable or stretching or...I don't know. I explained it well to my spiritual director but I cried then thinking about it and I'm sick of crying too so I try to avoid thinking about it. That's a totally healthy way to deal, right?
I'm not a fan of uncertainty and this summer is going to be different than either of my summers in college for a few different reasons. I'm working on holding to God, really knowing that He is here with me. It's a long, slow process of learning and relearning.
Now I'm trying to get up, I'm trying to retrace
My steps back to wherever I messed up
Is forever enough?
I'm holding on...
I know you'll be there whenever I wake up
Even when I was at school, even when I was counting the days and the tasks and the hours until I could be done, I didn't even really want to come home. I love my family and I'm so glad to be able to see them, to hang out with my sister and to see Becky and Charlotte, but all of them have other things to do where I have nothing. Becky's life is basically here, Charlotte has work and things, and my sister has a way more active social life than I ever have. That sounds more self-pitying than I'm actually feeling. I just...I don't quite know how to explain. Or at least explain in a way that I'm theoretically okay with anyone reading. There are some things I won't share over public blog.
Maybe this is just because it's night; I tend to be more emotional at night or right when I wake up. This afternoon I had fun with myself, unpacking and playing good music loudly. Then Allyson and I went to Bashas and got food, because our parents and Zach were gone, and made some pizza bagels and rented The Lovely Bones. And it was good. It wasn't until I got tired and bored that I started being so melancholy. I don't like melancholy. I need something to do. I'm going to go crazy sitting at home all summer. I think it goes back to my last blog and feeling like I don't have a place to rest. Everything is uncomfortable or stretching or...I don't know. I explained it well to my spiritual director but I cried then thinking about it and I'm sick of crying too so I try to avoid thinking about it. That's a totally healthy way to deal, right?
I'm not a fan of uncertainty and this summer is going to be different than either of my summers in college for a few different reasons. I'm working on holding to God, really knowing that He is here with me. It's a long, slow process of learning and relearning.
Now I'm trying to get up, I'm trying to retrace
My steps back to wherever I messed up
Is forever enough?
I'm holding on...
I know you'll be there whenever I wake up
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